The Great Plains Breeders Bowl Turf Mile

I’m here in beautiful Kansas to write about the Great Plains Breeders Bowl Turf Mile. Are you excited? Probably about as excited as me. Only one word could possibly describe the excitement in the air concerning this event:

Whoopdi-frickin-do.

Really. I mean who cares about this? I think I’m getting paid, but I don’t even know how much. Is anyone other than someone from the Great Plains Residency even going to look at this? I know I’m not going to read about other residency races. Shoot, I’m not going to watch the race or look at the results, I’m sure as heck not going to read about it. Oh sure, I read Knightmare’s weekly article about the big races, but he’s actually a talented writer and writes about horses of sim-wide significance. I’ll look over the race previews for some of the big races every now and then and I’ll read the Black Type Bugler on big race days, but residency restricted races? Get real. I’d rather read the phone book.

How non-exciting is this event? I’m in Kansas. You know what there is to do in Kansas? Nothing. There is NOTHING to do here. Nothing. In a place where there is nothing to do, you know how much interest the Great Plains Breeders Bowl has? Zero. That’s right. People would rather watch network tv (cable is still unavailable in many locations) on a Saturday afternoon than pay attention to this cheap bunch of claimers and allowance horses that we’re pretending are worth some notoriety run in a circle.

How bored am I already with this? I’ll tell you. I’ve changed fonts 12 times. Instead of diving into these crappy past performances, I’m playing with fonts.

What a waste of time.

Even worse, these aren’t even frickin’ stakes races. The Great Plains Breeders Bowl Classic Allowance? What the heck is Fabman spending our credits on! He didn’t even buy us stakes races! They’d probably have been claimers if he thought he could have gotten away with it. Someone’s going to have to check his stables and see if there have been any suspicious breedings lately. What a crock.

Unreal. I mean it. If you’re reading this right now, you’re either a member of Great Plains or accidentally found this from google because I’m putting hidden “hot teen girls” in hidden subtext throughout the article just to mess with drunk guys at home at 2am after striking out at last call at the bar. Who else could possibly care about this race. I guess maybe if you’re thinking about claiming one of these down the road – I’d say 80% of them will be back in claimers where they belong in two weeks anyway.

You know what the final kicker is? I can’t even make fun of any of these stupid horses for being in this “prestigious event” because after nominations were lagging early on, I got on everyone to be aggressive and try to have some residency spirit and take part. So now I’m the jerk if I say, “Bonus, why don’t you just keep Naptown Rainbow hidden in the back of your barn for another 10 weeks so you don’t embarrass yourself or her any more by displaying how you managed to get an AP Indy so slow it couldn’t outrun a trotter. Or Trotter.” Great. I’m going to end up being the jerk for all of this.

I don’t even know who’s idea this entire event was anyway. What are we trying to promote with this farce anyway? Ooh, look at this, we have a horse that ran 102 once, now let’s see if he can win a race where we don’t invite anyone else… like I said before, Whoopdi-frickin-do. Whoever thought of this should be kicked out. Send him (or her, it was probably one of the whiny chicks over there) over to some residency with people who actually have good ideas that don’t pollute the Black Type Bugler with this kind of crap.

I’m surprised there’s odds. I’d have figured the cpu would have looked at this disaster and just said “$#*@ it, I’m not dealing with this crap,” and pretended it was in Dubai where there was no wagering allowed. If you don’t make a morning line and nobody shows up to the track to bet, what happens?  Does Jimmy the Greek come back from the dead to torture us with negative expectation gambling picks on Sunday morning football games again? Is there a reason to waste Mike’s cpu power on computing odds for races that are going to be forgettable before they are run?

What a bunch of crap. There should be some kind of law that keeps Residency restricted race previews on the message boards they came from.

You know what? I forgot the other part about this that sucks. No fourteen horse cap. There’s sixteen horses in here! Who wants to look at sixteen owner restricted horses? I don’t want to look at any of them, and that includes my own!