GR Simsters Turf Mile – American Idol Style

GR Championships Turf Mile: American Idol Style

Welcome to grand old Kentucky as we’re gathered here for what should be a terrific match race between the wily veteran Ziklag and the up-and-coming 3yo Transylvania. With all the terrific milers that different members of the GR Simsters have, it’s surprising that only two horses were entered for the race, but it obviously will be a colossal battle between the two combatants. Wait a moment, I’ve just been handed a piece of paper from my editor, hmm, this is interesting, it appears that despite all the hot air that’s been blowing through the GR Simsters forums about these two horses, 12 other GR Simsters actually did enter horses. Well isn’t that interesting! I’ve also been notified that because of the prestige and attention the GR Simsters Turf Mile has been getting, three guest judges have been flown in to comment on all of the horses. And look who it is! Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson, and Simon Cowell have just entered the building, and it looks they’re ready to take a look at the horses. Of course these three are used to commenting on singers, but I guess they’re ready to take a shot at handicapping thoroughbreds. Before we start let’s see if the judges have anything to say:

Randy: I’m honored to be selected to be a part of this race. I really have never watched a horse race before or even know what most of this stuff means, but I’m going to try and give it a shot!

Paula: Wow this is so fun I love horses! I’ve never actually ridden one, but for my Cold Hearted Snake video my choreographer told me to visualize that I was trying to stay on a wild bull. That’s sort of like a horse right?

Simon: What the hell is this crap? They flew me out here to do what? Comment in stupid pixilated horses? Is this for real?

Well it looks like all of the judges are ready to start, so we’ll begin with the horses in reverse order of odds!

Rhystic Tutor, 3yo colt, 28/1, owned by Deadnthelane
Randy: Man I tell you what this horse probably needs to really improve to hit the board. He’s hasn’t raced much so he could improve, but the mid-90 SF’s he’s been running won’t get it done here. He’s in tough.
Paula: But gosh he’s such a beautiful horse Randy! I mean let’s look at the positives four races back he won by 2-1/2 lengths going a mile on the turf with a 98 SF, and that was his most recent race with those conditions! I really think he will run nicely!
Simon: Is this trainer serious? This horse has absolutely no shot. He should be running in a claiming race.

Nightsong, 3yo filly, 26/1, owned by Given
Randy: Are people even allowed to enter fillies in these races? I guess so. I mean this filly has never even lost a race, but it looks like her SF’s aren’t that high and heck she ran 10 points higher going 7f than at a mile. I don’t know she’ll really need to improve.
Paula: Geez Randy I think maybe this beautiful filly has just won by what she’s needed to so far. She won her last race by almost four lengths, and from what I hear rarely do horses win by more than that at a mile in this game. I think she’s a great contender and has great odds to bet on too!
Simon: Clearly we have another trainer who’s insane. This filly just ran an 88 SF at a mile. C’mon man this horse has no shot. Next.

Italian Squall, 3yo colt, 19/1, owned by Pilgrim
Randy: This horse really ran a career best effort last time out on the turf at a mile, winning by two lengths with a 98 SF. I’m not sure that he has the needed improvement to finish 1st in this race, but look for this horse to continue getting better.
Paula: Another sensational looking colt! The last race for this horse was simply fantastic and I see a realistic chance to crack the 100 SF barrier this week!
Simon: Once again you guys are both smoking crack this horse has absolutely no shot. That last race was a freaking allowance, he’s going to get crushed in this stakes race.

Greek Judge, 9yo horse, 18/1, trained by Migman
Randy: This older horse has been getting beat pretty handily in owner-restricted allowance races recently, and it seems he might be on the down-cycle of his career. He’s been running SF’s in the high-80’s, low-90’s of late, and I find it hard to see him winning.
Paula: Yes this horse is older but he’s only run 21 times and I think he has a lot of improvement still left! I’d like to see him run well especially since he’s such a good looking horse.
Simon: I hope some of the next horses will start to look better, because the ones so far are hogwash. This horse has as much chance of winning this race as Paula has of going an entire American Idol season without hooking up with one of the contestants.

Graninsky, 4yo colt, 12/1, trained by Teejay
Randy: Another very speedy horse it looks like this race will have a frantic pace to it. It seems like this horse hits a wall when he attempts to run a mile or more, and how he likes the distance will make a big difference in his chances. He’s been running in very good form recently and is coming off a 101 speed figure, so you have to respect him.
Paula: Oh wow this is such a great looking horse I just love him! I don’t think he’ll have any problems with a mile as he has handled 7.5f very well recently, and I think he has a terrific chance!
Simon: Bullocks this horse wants a mile like I want to have Roseanne Barr’s love child. Maybe if they give him a furlong head start he will have a shot.

Goodbye Deputy, 3yo colt, 12/1, trained by Epic
Randy: This horse ran a very good race two back in an allowance at a mile on the turf against older horses, ripping off a 104 speed figure. In his last race he stretched out to 8.5f and ran in a stakes, and that didn’t go so well for him, so class might be a question. I’d say he’ll need to improve to win this one.
Paula: But Randy that 104 is so high and did I mention he’s a great looking horse and he always tries so hard! I think you can ignore that last stakes race and he has a real shot.
Simon: Talk to me when this horse runs well in a stakes, which will probably be when I’m dead and in the grave.

Cazadora, 3yo filly, 12/1, trained by Silver Charm
Randy: This is a very nice looking filly that has been running around 100 SF’s, but those races have all come on the dirt. So what she will do on the turf is a question mark really, but her sire Gone West has been known to throw some pretty good turf horses. If she likes the turf she should have a major shot to win.
Paula: Yay another filly and what a beauty! What’s the difference between turf and dirt? I think she can definitely win!
Simon: Come on why even bother running this horse in this race? I guess she could run well on the turf, but not likely.

Surgeon Tubes, 4yo colt, 10/1, trained by Reman
Randy: This is a pretty versatile horse who looks to be effective on both the turf and the dirt. Unfortunately, he’s failed to win recent allowance races around the mile distance on the turf, and it’s sort of hard to see him improving enough to win this stakes race.
Paula: What a great looking horse! It looks like two of his last three races have been 100+ SF’s on the turf, so I think he has a terrific chance! Plus he ran a 104 early in the year!
Simon: His early season form was alright but now he couldn’t win an allowance if all the other horses were blindfolded.

Chester Copperpot, 4yo colt, 10/1, trained by PadreBri
Randy: To me this is where the race starts getting really good, as this horse oozes talent. As a 3yo he ran a 113 on the turf at 8.5f to win a stakes, and while he hasn’t really progressed like his owner may have wanted, he did run a 105 three back to run 2nd in a turf stakes at a mile. I think he has a terrific shot to win.
Paula: Oh I absolutely adore this horse his name is so cuddly I could just hug him all day long! Plus from what Randy says it sounds like he can really run!
Simon: Ok now we’re getting a bit more serious. This horse looks decent, but what I want to know is what kind of horrid trainer would turn such a promising 3yo into a mediocre 4yo?

Epiphany Too, 5yo horse, 9/1, trained by Topicount
Randy: This older horse has had an incredible career, winning more than $1 million. Unfortunately for his trainer, most of the races that he won money on came early in his career as he was a very good 2yo horse. He hasn’t run further than 6.5f in two years, and his recent SF’s have been sub-100 for the most part. It’s hard to see this horse figuring into the top finishers, although if it enjoys the return to a mile it could run a big race.
Paula: Oh wow a female trainer for this horse that is awesome! Yay! I think this horse will definitely win!
Simon: Oh c’mon Paula who are you kidding? Women have no place in music or horse racing or anything really. This horse has no shot. Next.

Day Vision, 3yo colt, 8/1, trained by In Denial
Randy: A horse that is really coming into his own, this 3yo just ran a torrid 106 SF while finishing 3rd in a G2 race at 7f in his most recent race. Two back he crushed a turf allowance race at 7.5f by 2 lengths with a 100 SF. The lone question about him is his ability to get a mile. He has only run a mile once, and he ran mediocre in a G3. Personally I don’t think he will have any problems with a mile and I think he has a great shot.
Paula: Oh what a gorgeous horse! That 106 SF he ran in his most recent race is really terrific too! I think this horse will finish very high!
Simon: This one has a good chance in here, as he’s proven he can win stakes races. But does he want a mile I’m not sure. I’d like to say something mean about this horse but there isn’t much to say. Although I do think it’s pretty pathetic that a Daylami-sired horse looks like he doesn’t want to run past a mile. What a disgrace!

Massacre, 3yo colt, 7/1, trained by Lennbrenner
Randy: This horse is beloved by the oddsmakers and you can see why with his most recent effort being a 106 in his turf debut! That race was an allowance at 7f, and on the dirt he seemed to enjoy 7f more than longer races, but perhaps he will improve going further on the turf. One also has to be wary that his freakjob last time out was a product of dropping a ½-furlong from turf-to-dirt, but it not he has a great shot.
Paula: Oh what a terrific looking horse! He ran so great on the turf in his last race, and even though I have no idea what that means I think he could definitely win!
Simon: Ok to be brutally honest I think this horse’s last race might have been a farce. And even if it wasn’t what does it say about this trainer that he didn’t try the turf with this horse until his 15th race?

Transylvania, 3yo colt, 6/1, trained by War Emblem
Randy: I think this horse is my pick to win, as he seems to be the fastest of all the runners in the race. That 109 SF he ran two back in the G3 against older horses was simply sensational, and there’s no shame in the 3rd-place check he picked up last time out in a G1 against 3yo’s. With all the speed in this race expect to see him flying late.
Paula: Oh my what a stunningly good looking horse! He reminds me of Corey Clark! Can I sleep in his stall?
Simon: After hearing all the hype about this horse I expected to be blown away by his PP’s. All that I’m blown away by, however, is the fact that this horse has never won an open stakes race. He might win simply because the rest of the field is hellacious, but is he the Sim Hero that his owner wants everyone to think? Yeah, and Paula Abdul has an IQ of over 20.

Ziklag, 5yo horse, 4/1, trained by Tremendous Machine
Randy: And here we have the wily veteran that has won more than $2.8 million over the course of his illustrious career. You name it, this horse has probably done it, as he has won eight stakes races including three G1’s. However, he’s run 42 races and looks to be on the downward spiral, as his two most recent races have yielded SF’s of 97 and 95. He probably has a few more big efforts left in him, and he has the potential to win this race. In any case it’s an honor to cover a race with him in it as he is a true Sim star, although perhaps of the past.
Paula: Wow what a great looking older horse! He reminds me of Sean Connery with his stunning features!
Simon: Well he reminds me of Mr. Burns. This trainer just doesn’t know when to give it up, as the horse has won one of his last 17 starts. I’ll admit he had some major skills in his day, but I think he’s in for a whooping this week.

Ok judges, any closing comments:

Randy: Peace ya’ll this was fun! When do I get paid for this?

Paula: Oh this was so much fun when do I get to ride around on the horses!

Simon: You people are all pathetic this is a freaking game with little pixels running around on a screen. Get a life.