Model Behavior When The Saints Go Marching Out…On Track
[Setting: a Louisiana starting gate. Fourteen horses are entered in the $500,000 Grade III Saints Handicap, a mile and an eighth race for older horses. But first they must face the music. They stand silent and stalwart in the gate, as they prepare to get an evaluation, from a quartet of judges who are looking for…….America’s Next Top Miler! (Sue me, it is a stretch. But, y’know, anything for my creativity.)]
The host: Hi, I’m Tyrant, and I’m looking for the next fresh face in racing beauty. So, instead of taking some skinny chicks and putting them on my talk show, The Tyrant Shanks Show—check your local listings!—I’ve come out to the track to see which colt is Fabulous! and who is most definitely [she sneers] not.
[She gestures to a judging table with three others seated. The horses ooh and aah silently. The jockeys couldn’t care less.]
Tyrant: You all know the judges by now. There’s Hunky, the bald Brit. Say hi, baby!
Hunky [in a crisp, masculine British accent]: Hi, horses. Hope we pick a winner.
Tyrant: Then there’s our expert on looks, Mister Coco. [She squeals. Expect a lot of that in this article.]
Mister Coco [in an accent that’s, let’s just say, is the opposite of Hunky]: Hey, babies. Who’s looking fierce tonight?
Tyrant: Finally, we have our expert, Janis Stickperson!
Janis [reeking of scotch and Benson & Hedges, and quite over it, whatever it is]: Yeah, right, whatevs…what city are we in? [She looks at a female outrider.] Hey, Auntie Mame! Where can I get a Tanqueray?
Tyrant: We’re going to make you stand before us so we can look at you and your portfolio of races, and we’ll see who’s good enough to win. [She flips her hair over the shoulder…and it flies off. She catches the weave before it can blow onto the turf course.] Whoopsie! And let’s start off with…
I Did My Time [Kingmambo x Sadler’s Wells, trained by sinner for Knightmare Stables]
Tyrant [She squeals. That’s two.]: He is so what this competition is all about: a horse who starts slow, but over time becomes a threat.
Hunky: Yes, fascinating form. But I have some issues here.
Janis: Your male-pattern baldness doesn’t count, sweetie.
Hunky [ignores her. Everyone does, you know—she’s so skinny you could stick her in a tube of Colgate.]: I see a lot of improvement, I notice your speed figures are much better these days, over 100 seven times in nine months. And you like to take the lead. That’s good—I like it fast.
Mister Coco: So do I, baby. [He snaps.]
Hunky: But after a while you look a bit…dead, like you can’t take much direction once your done. You haven’t won in almost six months, you have only one real dimension to you, and that’s speed.
Janis [waking up from an “inadvertent” snooze]: Speed? Huh? Where? How much?
Tyrant [oblivious]: I see your last time you were stepping up in class was back when you were age 3. You kept going to the lead and fading late. Our next Top Miler needs to be consistent, and must have enough versatility that you don’t fall into that trap again. Plus, you haven’t been facing a tough bunch of horses lately, so when we test you out against some fine horses in this division, we don’t know if you have that class edge…one second, baby. [Tyrant hollers aloud.] Anybody got any ribs? I’m hungry! [She squeals. Three.]
Janis: Why are we bothering? You’re 12-1, you have Dead Weight riding you, and you’re just too fat. I have Botox older than you. Away, away!
Hunky: Your trademark is in going to the front and trying to hang on. It’s a dangerous game, but while you’ve shown some improvement, we’re just not sure just…who you are yet. We need….more.
Mister Coco: You have a lot, darlin’, but your speed figures…they need to be BIGGER!
Tyrant: Oh, yes, those speed figures. They’re…alright. But in this grade eye-eye-eye—
Hunky: Um, darling, that’s Roman numerals. That stands for “3”.
Tyrant [sharply]: I know that. You’re eye candy. Just shush. [Sweetly] In this race we just need to see those numbers jump by a few points if we were to be more impressed with you.
Janis [slurring, even drooling, just a little]: You’d be impressed with a side order of cake, sweetness.
Tyrant: Next we have…
Fly Buda [Fusaichi Pegasus x Northern Dancer, trained by vicki for Twoofus Stables]
Tyrant: Look at all those 100’s! [She squeals twice. That’s three and four.]
Hunky: I really like that form. Your speed figures are right where they need to be.
Mister Coco [in a teeny tiny bit of a snit]: I don’t know why we didn’t just say that before.
Hunky: Before we didn’t see six 100+ speed figures in a row coming in.
Mister Coco [who rolls his eyes like he’s rolling dice]: Whatever.
Janice: God, you’re old. SIX. Geez, where’s the AARP card?
Tyrant: Sweetie, that just means he has a ton of experience. And the recent races are actually quite good. Second, fourth, fourth and fourth…they’re not wins, but they show me you still have a spark.
Hunky: Plus one second was in a Grade I.
Mister Coco: Yeah, against other old horses. [He gives that oh-so-familiar teenaged sigh that means, “Whatever.”]
Hunky: I don’t know what happened in the rain last time, but it turned you off. Sixth…I don’t know we can have that.
Tyrant: But it’s a fast track today. And I’m thinking…where’s my ribs? I want some sauce dripping off my chin [now shouting] and I will burn the Earth if it doesn’t happen now!!!!!
Janis: Want a Valium? I have some in my purse. [She whips out an A&P shopping bag, and starts rummaging through the collection of brown bottles.] Where is it, where is it…
Hunky [ignoring them both]: What they mean to say is they think you’ll bounce back from that race in mud. I don’t know about that. Plus, you lack an identity. Do you stalk? Do you come from the back? Who are you, and what do you plan to do to change the recent string of decent, non-winning performances?
Tyrant [Back to normal, though still ribless]: Distance shouldn’t be a problem, but we’re testing you for class. And Hunky’s right: your numbers are good, but you lack an identity. We’ll need to see improvement against these fine competitors, and I hope that the absence of mud makes you respond. We need to believe that you’re ready for this.
Janis: I think you’re ready for AARP yourself, hon.
Tyrant: Next we have…
Thksgingivitis(IRE) [Theatrical(IRE)-Gingivitis, by Forty Niner, trained by amybabs2 for Dentition *No Do Claima’s* Stables]
Janis: Oh, my God…who names these things?
Hunky: Well, he’s just honoring his mother.
Janis [disgusted]: Maybe he should go honor a dentist instead.
Tyrant: I kind of like the fact that the speed figures are way up there. Almost half his starts earned over 100.
Mister Coco: I admit, that is fab-you-luss. You are consistent.
Hunky: You are…but you’re not. When’s the last time you raced in a graded race? Oh, that’s right. Never.
Tyrant: But he’s got seasoning. He’s got spice. He’s…he’s got…a mix of herbs and spices, cooked gently over hot coals and where the [BLEEP] are my [BLEEP]ing ribs??? [An assistant tosses her a pork rib from a Chinese food container, which quiets her for the rest of this horse.]
Mister Coco: He’s been tested in stakes, though. And it takes a long time to get a horse ready to fire with fierceness!
Janis [trying to drink from a bottle of rubbing alcohol without success]: We’re gonna have to hose you down, aren’t we, Princess?
Hunky: He hasn’t, though. A fourth, a sixth, two eight-place finishes…I’m not sure he’s ready for prime time yet.
Mister Coco: But his last also came in the mud.
Hunky: True, but the distance doesn’t seem as if it will help him do better. It’s maybe a little too far. And we still aren’t certain what he actually likes to do in a race. He can lead, but doesn’t do it often. He can close but hasn’t been all that effective at it lately. It’s very mixed. Do you know what you’re saying, Coc?
Mister Coco: He has won at the distance, won by three, and did come from off the pace to do it, which he does seem to like to do most. And that speed figure was a career-best. [He gives him a snap in the face.] Don’t tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about. Ungh.
Hunky [sighing]: We’ll just see. Next up is…
Thundering Theif G [Cat Thief-Lexington Gulch, by Thunder Gulch, trained by medusa for Pgpg Stables]
Hunky: Well, I guess someone didn’t spellcheck themselves before submitting the name, did they?
Tyrant: I don’t know what you’re talking about, it looks correct to me.
Mister Coco: Me too.
Janis: It’s just perfect. Just because you’re British doesn’t mean you know everything about spelling and stuff. [Hunky head hits the table, incredulously.]
Tyrant: I’m so proud of this horse. It makes me feel fabulous to see a horse with 55 races in his career still playing hard on top of his game! [She squeals loudly. That’s five squeals, and one busted car window.]
Janis: This is supposed to be about being young! Racing is where you run at 2, you wind down at 3, and that’s it! Who wants to see old things anymore? [She’s now trying to break the childproof cap on the rubbing alcohol, still without luck.]
Tyrant: He’s just great, and still throwing 100+ figures with no end in sight! [She squeals, six.]
Hunky: What I really like, even at this stage, he’s earned triple-digits in his last eleven races, and has hit the board in every race since last March. The most consistent one yet, and still firing at age six.
Tyrant: And winning, too. That’s impressive. He loves racing at this age, and loves running well, three stakes wins in recent times.
Mister Coco: Yeah, so he wins, whatever. This is his first big graded race, though. How much more is there in the tank? He can’t go on forever. He’s leading up to a reality check.
Hunky: Where I have my doubts is in his preferred tactics. There’s a bit of speed here. Can he sit off the lead and be effective if there’s a mad scramble? And with the rise in class can he and his great speed figures rise to that challenge? I admit he looks great in his races, but it’s taken forever to get to this point, and now does he have a class edge?
Tyrant: If he wins, I’m gonna put him on my talk show—The Tyrant Shanks Show, check your local listings [She squeals, seven]—and make him a star!
Janis: Your show’s on the CW Network, it’s not like anyone can find your show without hiring a detective.
Mister Coco: I’ll be right back, gotta go check my look. [He leaves for a restroom break.]
Tyrant: Next up is…
Beefcake [Grand Slam x Storm Cat, trained by adonis for Beefcake Stables]
Janis [incredulous]: 62 starts? Where they running this, Sun City?
Tyrant: The veterans got it goin’ on! [Squeals; eight] Maybe not as good as what we just saw, but there’s still life left here as well.
Hunky: I agree a little bit. There aren’t as many great speed figures, but there are a few, and they did happen quite recently.
Tyrant: They’re in the mid-100s, they’re competitive. And throw out that last race in the mud.
Hunky: Here we go again.
Tyrant: You’re allowed to show improvement after a race in the rain…hey, that would make such a dope song for my next CD! [Squeals; nine]
Hunky: The numbers are great, but they do seem a point or two below where he’ll need to be on top here. Also, he’s another who likes to lead, and there’s a lot of that here. And then, there’s not having faced a good field of high quality competition in forever. Beating a good field of talented horses is something else.
Janis: God, you’re boring. [She pops something a little less organic than a Tic-Tic into her mouth.]
Tyrant: I wouldn’t say he likes to lead, he’s got a lot of experience coming from behind and has done well before, doing just that. He’s a horse that’s still developing at this level, and his races in stakes have gotten better over time. He’s got a shot—
Janis [ears perking up]: Cuervo Gold! Jell-O shots! Huh? What?
Hunky: I’m not convinced. His last race was frightful.
Tyrant: In the mud. He’ll get better out of the mud.
Janis: You didn’t, Toots.
Tyrant: Next up is—
Mister Coco [returning to his seat]: What did I miss?
The others [in unison]: Nothing.
Irish Quest [Rainbow Quest x Irish River(IRE), trained by xanderman for Jrogue Stables]
Tyrant: I think finally we’ve hit paydirt. A graded winner! [Squeal; nine]
Hunky: Yes, a graded winner. Too bad he’s more effective going longer.
Tyrant: But he did face a field of graded racers and beat them, last fall in New York. And at age 7—
Janis [over it, again]: Oh God, someone shut her up. Then get me something I can wash this down with. [She takes another non-organic Tic-Tac.]
Tyrant: —that’s impressive. He obviously has an idea of what it takes here.
Mister Coco: Too bad, he’s not goin’ that far this time. Mmm-hmmm. [He snaps.]
Tyrant: That doesn’t matter. He’s got a long string of triple-digit speed figures, a graded win, and enough speed to hold his own with the best in the country. What’s not to like?
Hunky: How about a lot of speed in this race?
Mister Coco: How about no relevant wins at nine furlongs, hmm?
Janis: How about that forehead, that weave, those jelly rolls…no, wait, never mind, didn’t know we were talking about the horse.
Tyrant: I think a graded win in his past, and a field which doesn’t have that quality? He might surprise you all. His speed figures and graded experience make him a very serious candidate for the win.
Hunky: He has faced some great horses, and done very well, with speed figures to kill for. I’m just not sure that with his speed here if he’ll have enough at a distance that might be just a little short for him.
Tyrant: Doesn’t matter, I love him.
Janis: Yeah, he’ll be thrilled to know.
Tyrant: Next up is…
Speakofthedevil [Kingmambo-Seattle Sal, by Seattle Slew, trained by super7 for More Evil Than The Evil Empire!]
Tyrant: Hmmm…I like the pedigree, and I think the speed figures are alright, but there’s just something missing here.
Hunky: I think for once we agree. [Tyrant squeals; ten.] At 20 starts, there’s some experience missing.
Mister Coco: And those speed figures. They’re OK, but not fierce enough.
Tyrant: They’re coming at the right time, four of them over 100 in her last five races, but they’re just….there. Not much personality, nothing shouting about just how fabulous he is.
Janis [irritated]: Because numbers can’t talk! Geez…
Mister Coco: He might need just some more time to get fresh, just like us.
Hunky: The speed figures aren’t too bad, but the three graded races are just blah. Nothing better than a sixth…he can do better, and the recent races haven’t been that helpful. He hasn’t won since October.
Tyrant: But he’s a closer, and in a race where there’s a bit of speed, that’s an advantage, isn’t it? I think he’s getting ready to come on strong, and why not here, since the competition is very good, but not impossible to beat?
Mister Coco: I’m not sure he can go the distance. No wins over a mile and a sixteenth, the numbers flatten out.
Tyrant: But he’s young yet. He’ll get better as he gets older.
Janis: You should be so lucky, hon.
Tyrant: Next up is…
Journey’s End [Dayjur-Storm Over Seattle, by Seattle Slew, trained by bigted15 for Bigted Stables]
Tyrant: Another 20 starts for him.
Hunky: But he has more consistency. He’s faced graded opponents. And that long stretch of speed figures over 100 is impressive.
Tyrant: I’m not sure about the last three races.
Mister Coco: Ty baby, they were good starts.
Tyrant: I’m just sayin’ that three allowance races might not be a great way to test for the class needed to win this race. He only won the last one, too. I want to see them get better challenged coming into this competition. [At this point, Janis is sticking her finger into her throat in a mocking gesture towards Tyrant; Tyrant is oblivious.] Janis, it’s not 5:30 yet, can’t that wait?
Hunky: He looks like a great one for the win. Speed figures are consistently strong, he’s been with tougher foes, he likes to come from off the pace in a race with a lot of possible speed, he loves the distance, lost of good starts…I see so many good things here.
Mister Coco: He’s got fierce in him, he just needs a stakes win to finally get it out of him.
Tyrant: That’s an issue. No stakes wins in nine months. He’s got the goods, but he just needs to become a complete package.
Janis: OK, enough. If I’m gonna sit in the sun with these beasts…and the horses too, I’m gonna need something stronger than Evian. [She looks at the starter and yells.] Grey Goose, waiter, and keep ’em comin’.
Tyrant: Next we have…
A.P. Precedent [A.P. Indy-La Precedenta, by Chester House, trained by squirrel3 for Squirrel Stables]
Janis: Finally! The one to beat!
Tyrant: Janis, you’re participating in our discussion! [She squeals one long one for about ten seconds; the eleventh of the article.]
Janis: Don’t be stupid, this is the best vodka tonic ever! I’ve been looking at 34 different tracks and finally found one who could make one correctly. [She’s now slurring her speech again.] About bloody time.
Tyrant: He’s the one they have to beat. Beautiful horse, excellent speed figures, averaging a 112.66 in his last three races.
Hunky [astonished]: Tyrant? How did you manage to know that?
Tyrant [looking at something shiny in the grandstand]: Know what? Did I say something? Anyway, he’s the one they have to beat. Beautiful horse, excellent speed figures.
Mister Coco: And fabulous form. Seriously fierce.
Hunky: And he won a Grade II last out in California. That 115 is very special.
Tyrant: It was awfully close, though. He’s a closer, but had to walk that runway so mad to hit it at the end. By a nostril.
Hunky: He’s very good. But that 115…too much too soon? Too high?
Janis [slurring incoherently]: You can’t be, sweetie.
Mister Coco: Back to Betty Ford again, baby.
Tyrant: I don’t think that’s his issue. But there is one there, and that’s distance. His big wins have come in shorter races. This is a bit longer, and he hasn’t looked so hot going longer.
Hunky: He has won twice at longer distances, though.
Tyrant: Yeah, but that was before he got so fierce, and will that hold up now that he’s the one they want to beat?
Mister Coco: He’s still got “it”, though. He’s a target, and the claws gotta come out to beat him. Plus, the race tactics? I bet he loves it. [He snaps.]
Tyrant: Next we have…
Horatio Nelson [Touch Gold-More Surpass, by A.P. Indy, trained by lopo34 for Winterfell Racing]
Tyrant: Wow. This is a young horse. Thirteen starts! [Squeals; twelve.]
Hunky: And the last six speed figures are very competitive, and could even get better. He’s well-bred, he’s got a little experience in the big leagues, he’s never not earned some money in his career, and there’s a lot of room to get better.
Mister Coco: But just one race in the big leagues…though it wasn’t so terrible.
Tyrant: It was a fine effort, he’s a very fast horse, but just doesn’t have a lot of sense of just how much is too much. He needs to pull back just a little bit.
Hunky: Yes, in a race with a lot of speedy horses, he might be fastest of all. That’s good, because he may have what it takes to outlast them. And it’s bad, because he’s going to have company, like it or not, and they will test him. That will drain him.
Mister Coco: Fierce!
Tyrant: He seems to want to run even though he’s a fast one. Distance shouldn’t be a problem, but outrunning everyone to the end could be. And you’re right, Hunky, his speed figures look so fly. They just need to step up a little against some tough ones.
Janis: [incoherent gurgles]
Mister Coco: Most eloquent thing you said all night, snook’ums.
Tyrant: Next we have…
Be Auror Song [Unbidled’s Song-Indyauror, by A.P. Indy, trained by auror for Fernando Empire]
Hunky: I actually kinda like him.
Tyrant [after squeal #13]: You do? Why?
Hunky: He’s a graded winner, and has won at the distance, and facing a tough bunch of three-year-olds is going to make you a hardcore runner, so beating them gives him a leg up.
Mister Coco: But those numbers, baby…they’re bringing me down a little. They’re good, almost 110, but there’s not enough of them. Even winning those two graded races ain’t good enough. Those numbers weren’t 100. [He snaps, then says] I want more.
Janis [really out of it, but just coherent enough]: So do I. Waiter!
Hunky: What more do you want? He ran a hardcore schedule last year. He went up against the best names. He even managed to beat a few of them.
Tyrant: But not since last May. He’s done OK. He could be outstanding, but he needs a wake-up call to motivate him. I’m not sure that there’s time.
Mister Coco: And he likes to be in the lead, too. That’s trouble. There’s a lot of this goin’ on this time.
Hunky: If he’s smart, though, learns to pull back also, there’s no reason why he can’t be a player in this event. He should get better by coming back in distance.
Janis: [now snoring]
Mister Coco: Courage, Camille.
Tyrant: Next we have…
All Flags Gold [Seeking The Gold x Seattle Slew, trained by muchalucha for Muchalucha Stables]
Hunky: Now this is looking promising. Great numbers, and very versatile. He can win on grass, and with a splash, and on dirt, where he has hit it big.
Tyrant: Well, there’s versatile, and then there’s confusion. He can work either surface, but which is he truly better at?
Mister Coco: It’s not that easy bein’ green, baby. He won an allowance, was second in a couple of stakes, and the numbers come up sparkling like diamonds. 107 and 108 are good numbers to have. [He snaps.]
Hunky: And he got a big break coming back to dirt by finishing second to A.P. Precedent by a nose, and the speed figure went up. A repeat of that, with all the pace in this race, that could be something special. I’ll even say maybe the grass races, in the long run, might have been not the best ideas. Maybe those starts could have been used for dirt racing, maybe even a Grade I win. We just don’t know.
Mister Coco: Does he have another great race in him? Yeah, it’s the fourteenth race, but after all that grass, will he be ready to go again in a big race? Or will he be like that? [He points emphatically to Janis, drooling onto her Vogue.]
Hunky: I think he’s getting ready for a big run, no matter what surface he runs best on.
Tyrant: His options are open here. But the good thing is maybe he’s going to show up late here with another big dramatic flourish. I like drama! [squeal; fourteen]
Mister Coco: And ribs.
Tyrant: Next up is…
Mon West [Maria’s Mon-Top February, by Gone West, trained by twister for ONEWORLD Stables – Established Wk. 634]
Tyrant: He’s a capable veteran.
Hunky: Maybe.
Mister Coco: Probably.
Hunky: You have something nice to say? At last?
Mister Coco: I know, right? I like the way he got off grass and got better, he’s still strong, and he makes it work for him. He can run a 110 still.
Tyrant: I so agree. He was almost a graded winner last year, and his run from the back of the pack is something I want to see.
Hunky: He hasn’t shown a whole lot lately. He’s struggled to get into the 90s so far this year, and just barely broke 100 last out. He hasn’t won a bloody stakes in three years, and that was on the turf! I’m not sure he’s what we want.
Mister Coco: He’s still a tough runner, though. He always takes his best shot, and just about had an upset in graded races twice in the last year. And he adores, loves, loves, LOVES the distance. I say yes, he’s got a shot.
Tyrant: He usually shows up in the big races, so in a field like this—so much speed, not much in the portfolio—you can’t just write him off.
Hunky: I’m not writing him off. But there’s two ways to go. He could find a late run inside him, or he could turn into Janis. [Janis is unconscious, and not hearing a thing.] An Absolut mess.
Mister Coco: He ain’t a mess. I bet he shocks you.
Tyrant: And last up, we have…
Formulated Risk [Beat Hollow-Carolina Roll, by Bahri, trained by karen for Beefcake Stables]
Tyrant: He’s last year’s winner, and he’s back for an upset! [Her last squeal, I promise you; that makes fifteen, a new BTB record.]
Hunky: He’s got an absolutely appalling post from the gate. But he also has a fantastic record. Look at all those 100+ speed figures in a row, and most of these were against excellent competition.
Mister Coco: He really is fierce! But—
Hunky: It just couldn’t last, being nice, could it?
Mister Coco: This race was his only graded win in his lifetime. He’s been struggling lately when he’s thrown in with other top horses.
Tyrant: I can overlook that, because he’s such a warrior that he brings his best every time. He’s got a string of 24 straight races with a speed figure over 100. How many horses can claim that?
Hunky: Not many, and in big races, like someone already said, he always shows up. He’ll make a late run, and it paid off last year.
Mister Coco: It’s also that his last wins came in minor stakes races, at longer distances. He wants more ground than the race gives him, even if he won last year.
Tyrant: Turning back in distance is going to give him a boost, though. He likes this distance alright anyway, and he could use a boost by changing things up. A distance makeover could look fabulous for him.
Hunky: And with all that experience in graded races, there’s a lot of back class that’s missing in a few others here. Don’t be so quick to judge.
Mister Coco: Hey, that’s why we’re all here! Or… [He looks down at Janis, a quivering mess.] Most of us, anyway.
Tyrant: Well, that’s it. Who’s got what it takes to become America’s Next Top Miler? [Again, like the old Michigan race, the Michigan Mile (And One-Eighth), I sacrifice logic for my art. You’ll just have to deal.] We’ve made our examination. But it’s up to them. Stay tuned (to my own talk show, the Tyrant Shanks Show) to see who gets the big prize!. And remember, if you wanna be on top…
Mister Coco: You…betta…work.