The Known Seattle
Hansel: These woods don’t look familiar.
Gretel: That’s because we’re in
Hansel: And we’re likely to get lost again.
Gretel: I have a plan. I am marking our trail.
Hansel: Not with breadcrumbs, I hope.
Gretel: No, with your losing betting slips. That way we can leave a very dense trail.
Hansel: Thank you very much. Are we looking for evil witches in gingerbread houses?
Gretel: No, we’re looking for the fastest horse on the island. They’re running a stakes race today. The Known
Hansel: I’m all for finding fast horses. I don’t understand the fairy tale theme, though. Why are we here?
Gretel: To make a connection. Today’s theme will be children’s literature.
Hansel: Well, that makes absolutely no sense to me, but I’m willing to stretch a metaphor, and I’m always willing to look at a horse race.
Gretel: “To stretch a metaphor” is making a metaphor of a metaphor. I believe that makes it a meta-metaphor.
Hansel: Stop that. Some readers have mentioned they don’t like to think about things, but they love the joke that starts, “What’s a metaphor?”
Gretel: “It’s for grazing horses.” Here’s the first one:
PP 1 BOLD PEGGY (FUSAICHI PEGASUS x HALO x BOLD RULER) bred and trained by conniecpu (Conniecpu Stables, 15%) Odds: 7-2
Gretel: The Bold Peggy I remember is Peggy Rathmann. She wrote “Goodnight, Gorilla” and other baby board books.
Hansel: No one cares. This mare’s been an infrequent winner over the past year and a half.
Gretel: Maybe, but she has a huge class edge on this field. She has twice the stakes points of any other horse here, and she’s the only one ranked in the top 20 in the division. She won the Grade I Three Smokestacks in October! Is there another graded winner here?
Hansel: But last time she couldn’t finish within 5 lengths of the winner in an allowance race.
Gretel: Learn to read a calendar, brother. That race was the first after a three month vacation. Surely it was meant as a prep race for bigger and better things. Like today. The trainer probably did not have her trying her hardest last time. She gets a great jockey that should have her storming down the stretch.
Hansel: We don’t know how hard she tried last time. We do know she’s run a lot of graded stakes and that can wear a horse down. Here’s another mare.
PP 2 HANNAH’S BOO BOO (STORM CAT x SINGSPIEL(IRE) x GONE WEST) bred and trained by rharfo2 (Rharfo2 Stables, 12%) Odds: 7-2
Gretel: Did you know there is a book called “Hannah’s Boo Boo?” It was written by Bonnie Wolfe Swickland in 1999.
Hansel: No one has ever heard of that book. I’ll bet most of Bonnie Wolfe Swickland’s family has never heard of that book. Why are you doing this?
Gretel: It’s a theme. Ok, we’ll refer to this instead: http://cgi.cafr.ebay.ca/HANNAH-MONTANA-Boo-Boo-Rice-Pack-w-Cover-CHOICE-OF-2_W0QQitemZ160206895775QQihZ006QQcategoryZ11779QQcmdZViewItem
Hansel: I’ll ignore that. These first two mares are the favorites. Don’t we always just eliminate the favorites?
Gretel: You always eliminate the favorites, but you almost always eliminate the winners, too.
Hansel: This mare doesn’t win that often either. She won seven of her first fifteen races, but she’s only won three of the nineteen since.
Gretel: But she’s one of the most consistent runners here. She always picks up at least a piece of the purse, and when she’s not facing graded company, she’s a sure thing to run a speed figure over 100. And three out of nineteen is better than your batting average.
Hansel: It might not take a figure much above 100 to win this. I’ll grant you that.
Gretel: Look at her last runs at this distance. This is her best distance.
PP 3 SISSON’S CHANT(KY) (WAR CHANT x MR. PROSPECTOR x NIJINSKY II) bred and trained by levers (Binzaman Stables, 12%) Odds: 5-1
Gretel: I know you’ll like this filly. She has a ton of early speed in a race with only two early speed horses.
Hansel: Give her a lead of over 8 lengths in an allowance race and she still is almost caught.
Gretel: A win by a quarter-length is as good as a five-length win. She’s an eclipse award winner! You aren’t going to question her class are you?
Hansel: She was amazing as a two-year-old. I almost picked her to win once. But since then, she’s two of twelve and fades as badly as the plaid upholstery did on the sofa in the sunroom.
Gretel: That simile was as forced as something that is really forced.
Hansel: Brilliant!
Gretel: Anyway, she has a very hot jockey and a favorable pace situation. I think she’s rounding into formidable form.
PP 4 SALLY HEMINGS (COLONIAL AFFAIR x TAIKI SHUTTLE x LYPHARD’S WISH(FR)) bred and trained by queer (The CVBear Racing Empire, 9%) Odds: 8-1
Hansel: At last, something I like.
Gretel: You like this mare? She’s the longest shot in the race.
Hansel: No, I like the name. Daughter of Colonial Affair. If it weren’t for your family friendly theme, I’d explain it to you.
Gretel: I get the reference, thank you. She may not win, but you have to admit she earns checks almost all the time.
Hansel: I must admit she occasionally throws in a speed figure that would allow her to get a good view of the top horses as they finish.
Gretel: You’re too cruel. This race is wide open. She’s got a shot.
PP 5 GREEN EGGS N HAM(IRE) (SHAMARDAL x SADLER’S WELLS x ROBERTO) bred and trained by conman3 (Chugalug Stables, 11%) Odds: 7-1
Gretel: Here is the other early speed filly. Will you pick her for this race? Will you pick her just in case?
Hansel: No! I will not pick her for this race. I will not pick her just in case. I will not choose her for the win. I only like her to begin. I do not like Green Eggs N Ham. I do not like her, Gretel, ma’am.
Gretel: Seriously, with so little early speed here, you have to upgrade her chances, don’t you? And you criticize the others for not winning recently. She has lots of recent wins.
Hansel: She also has worse early speed than Sisson Chant and she gives up if she can’t have the lead.
Gretel: I like her. In a race that will honor children’s literature, what better name for a horse?
Hansel: What?
Gretel: I mean I like the pace scenario for her, and I like her recent wins.
PP 6 ALL OVER THIS(KY) (APTITUDE x UNBRIDLED x BE MY GUEST) bred and trained by bbaffert (Bbaffert Stables, 11%) Odds: 9-2
Hansel: Where did this horse come from? I thought the entries closed with only seven entered.
Gretel: Trainers named Baffert always seem to get an extra chance. This filly did just make the entry deadline.
Hansel: I like the sneaky entry. The barn must think this is a field she can handle.
Gretel: You like something?
Hansel: I like subterfuge. I never said I liked this filly.
Gretel: Well, you have to like this one. She’s been out of the money just once (and that time just barely). She’s been rapidly improving. She has speed figures that make her an obvious choice, and you even said the early speed is likely to break down. What’s not to like?
Hansel: Let’s not get too excited. She has three wins in 16 starts. And she’s eligible to bounce after a big run off a layoff. Most importantly, I suppose, where is the children’s literature reference?
Gretel: Oh, look. Here is the next entry.
PP 7 NEVERLAND (LEMON DROP KID x DANEHILL x BE MY GUEST) bred and trained by charmer (Galileo Stables, 14%) Odds: 7-1
Gretel: Another perfect name from children’s literature.
Hansel: You need a better reason.
Gretel: She ran a great race last time. She beat a tough allowance group that included four stakeswinners.
Hansel: I think we’ve seen this act before. She beat boys in an allowance race back when she was three and followed that with two stakes tries. She does not run well in stakes, and five-year-olds looking for their first stakes wins never find them.
Gretel: Where’d you hear that?
Hansel: Since when can’t I just make stuff up?
Gretel: Well, she’s never run better than she’s running right now, and a repeat of her last race at this same distance would give her a great chance here.
Hansel: Here’s the last one.
PP 8 BONE PONY(IRE) (MOON BALLAD (IRE) x
Gretel: Oh, I’m not sure this is an appropriate name for our theme.
Hansel: Your theme. Just pretend her name is The Red Pony. That’s a children’s book, right?
Gretel: Sure, where horse after horse dies. It’s about the saddest book in the world.
Hansel: Let’s wrap this up. This one’s just a claimer.
Gretel: She used to be. I don’t know what this trainer’s secret is, but since joining this barn this pony’s been great. Did you notice the Grade II from November?
Hansel: A second at 27-1.
Gretel: Against an extremely tough field.
Hansel: What about the clunker she threw in her next race?
Gretel: She more than made up for it last time. Since teaming up with nag3 she has three wins and a second in four races at this distance.
Hansel: Well, that’s it. Who do you like?
Gretel: I think I have to go with All Over This, followed by Bone Pony and Bold Peggy. Who do you like?
Hansel: Me? I’m just along to be eye candy. I have a question about your picks: What happened to your theme? I don’t see any children’s story angle to your picks.
Gretel: Themes are fine for literature. This is horse racing.