EQUINICS 2016: Pet Sematary

By ITCH

For purposes of this article, we will intentionally misspell the name of the race.

The Grade 1 Pet Cemetery carries a purse of $750,000, but more importantly, bronze, silver and gold for three trainers in Equinics 2016. This is one of four juvenile races on the Equinics schedule. There is one filly among 19 colts to race six furlongs over the turf course in Brazil.

Pet cemetery, or course, is the correct spelling, but never again in this article.

From this point forward it’s the Pet Sematary. That’s the way author Stephen King spelled the title of his 1983 horror novel. And, that’s the name of both a movie and a famous song by one of my favorite bands, The Ramones.

King was a huge fan of the Ramones, and invited them to his home in Bangor, Maine. During the visit, he handed Dee Dee Ramone a copy of the Pet Sematary novel, and the bassist retreated to the basement. One hour later, he showed up with the lyrics to “Pet Sematary.” The Ramones released the song in 1989 as part of the album “Brain Drain.”

In an Equinics tribute to the name of the race, each runner will be assigned a lucky Ramones tune. We’ll have both an Equine Top 20, and a Punk Rock Top 20. The theme fits, because the Ramones liked to get this going in a hurry. The race is one of the first of Equinics 2016. It goes to post at 1:10 p.m. on Saturday, and will be one of the first races watched by the many residency members rooting on their teams.

What I’m going to do is listen to your horse’s song as I begin to write about it. Then, like Joey Ramone used to start so many songs, it’s “1,2,3,4” and go.

“To the untrained ear, every Ramones song sounds the same,” said Andy Greene in a Rolling Stone article dated from 2013. “They’re all fast, short, wickedly funny and deceptively simple. But the hardcores know the truth: No two songs are the same.”

For purposes of non-plagiarism, credit also is given to Rolling Stone for the information about all 10 songs in our Top 10. Nos 11 through 20, I came up with myself, so I am going to have to be creative, along with leaning on wikipedia.

“I Wanna Be Sedated” (Released 1978 on Road to Ruin.) When Joey Ramone wrote the lyrics for “I Wanna Be Sedated,” he was not joking. The band was on tour in New Jersey in 1977 when the singer badly burned his face and chest with the scalding water from a vaporizer he was using to soothe his throat. He somehow finished the show, then went to the hospital with second- and third-degree burns. They pulled a bunch of shows while he recovered, and when they returned to the road in Europe, he was still in constant pain. “I Wanna Be Sedated” was scribbled down in London around Christmas, and the band recorded it for the LP to be released the next year. It made no impact on the charts, but today it’s one of their most played songs on the radio. Joey often cited it as his single favorite Ramones song, and many fans feel the same way. Similarly top-rated is Marre’s KEPLER HEFFAKLUMP, a bay son of Dansili who is No. 18 in the division. Marre is a trainer after this writer’s heart. After 16 years of playing this great game, I’ve only got four stables. Marre has been training Sim horses for just as long, and has only six stables. So, even though Marre lives far away from me here in West Virginia and will represent the European Union Racing Organization in Equinics 2016, we have a lot in common in our approach to training Sim horses. We both show minimalization and longevity, just like the Ramones. Their songs were short, their shows were short, but they were built to last, staying on the road for 22 years. Unlike his trainer, Kepler Heffaklump is still in the very early stages of his Sim career. He’s only started four times, and won two. Seven of his competitors in the Grade 1 Pet Sematary have won more races than him, but none have as many stakes points as he does. This tells us that Kepler Heffaklump must have had success at the graded level. He did, rushing up from far back last out to be second in his graded debut. Kepler Heffaklump is kind of like Joey Ramone wants to be in his theme song. In the early stages of his race, he’s sedate. The horse broke dead last of 12 last out before getting up for second in the Grade 2 Bobby Papin on July 16 at Deauville. Breaking from post No. 11, Kepler Heffaklump dropped back quickest of all to be last. The tactic proved effective in that Marre’s colt got to relax in space, as other horses shouldered each five- and six-wide at the front. Kepler Heffaklump split horses with about a quarter mile to go, then set sail toward the front. He picked up a bunch of horses, all but one. That was an impressive race, but it may concern some handicappers that it will have been only three weeks of rest before the jump into this Grade 1 Equinics race. He switches distances from 5.5 furlongs to six, which should not be a problem for this versatile colt. He’s run very well in three of his four career starts, and all three races were at different distances: 5.5 furlongs, six and 6.5. This colt can make his move at the distance and has proven it. Besides the price he will pay for racing on short rest, I guess the only question left about this late-running colt is, “what in the world is a Heffaklump?” Simmers who happen to be raising young children may be most likely to know the answer. It was Winnie the Pooh who dreamed of an elephant-like creatures he called heffalumps. Kepler Heffaklump is 14-1 and has drawn near the far outside in post No. 19.

“Blietzkreig Bop” The first song on the first Ramones album is arguably their single most famous work. Although it didn’t make much of an impact at the time, “Blitzkrieg Bop” is everywhere these days, from video games to commercials to baseball stadiums. Oddly enough, Dee Dee Ramone drew inspiration from the Bay City Rollers’ mega-hit “Saturday Night.” They chanted “S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y,” and Dee Dee turned that into, “Hey, ho, let’s go!” He got help on the track from Tommy Ramone. “I wanted a rallying song,” the drummer said. It was played at basically every Ramones concert for 22 straight years, and though its later use in advertising and movies generated quite a bit of income, only Tommy lived long enough to enjoy it. A rallying song with the notable lyrics of “Let’s Go!” seems an apppriate theme song indeed for a fast race horse. There is only one graded winner in the Grade 1 Pet Sematary, and it’s Desert Dog’s PAYTON RED, a bay son of Red Dubawi. Desert Dog and Payton Red will represent the potentially powerful All-Stars Racing in Equinics 2016. This is one residency you will hear mentioned when Sim wise guys start talking about potential medalists as far as the team competition for bronze, silver and gold in this year’s Equinics. Personally, I always feel like a wise guy when I say I think Hispano Parlante is dangerous in any race they enter. However, if Desert Dog can get All-Stars Racing off to a big start in the Grade 1 Pet Sematary, it may serve notice to the Sim that the All-Stars are to be taken seriously. Payton Red obviously must be taken seriously in here as the only winner of a graded race. That took place last out when he ran on strongly from third to win going away in the Grade 3 Railaway on June 26 in Ireland. The victory should set him up perfectly for a big run in the Equinics. It was at Saturday’s distance of six furlongs, and gives the horse plenty of rest. It’s shrewd planning by a sharp, fairly new Sim trainer who showed his acumen when he claimed Payton Red’s broodmare for only $15,000 in January. By Zabeel, TOXIC NONSENSE paid immediate dividends for the trainer we like to call “The Captain.” She’s given a graded winner in her first foal! I believe I have heard DD say in chat that this was his first graded winner. He’s got two more horses, a 2yo and a 3yo, that are graded-placed. We have to believe Payton Red is the first of many for Desert Dog. He’ll always have fond remembrances for this colt as his first graded winner, and he can only look back on the horse with even more meaning if he can also become his first Grade 1 winner on Saturday. Payton Red is overlayed at 23-1, and will break from post No. 15.

“Sheena Is a Punk Rocker” Everyone around the Ramones thought “Sheena Is a Punk Rocker” was finally going to be their breakthrough hit. “I played it for Seymour Stein,” said Joey. “He flipped out and said, ‘We gotta record this song now.’ It was like back in the Fifties — you’d rush into the studio because you thought you had a hit, then put it right out. To me, ‘Sheena’ was the first surf/punk rock/teenage rebellion song. I combined Sheena, the Queen of the Jungle, with the primalness of punk rock.” Despite Stein’s confidence, the song stalled at No. 81. It came out at a time when the media was obsessed with The Sex Pistols, and too many people thought punk was a British phenomenon. They failed to realize those bands were just copying New York punk rock bands. Hey Robby! SUP BRO? Good luck to you, Trotter and the gang at East Coast Racing in the Grade 1 Pet Sematary with Sup Bro, an undefeated 3-3, including a victory last out in the ESR Equinics Colt Turf Prep. “We ran a 2yo racing series in each of the race categories,” Trotter explained. “The races were six weeks apart, and the winners of the final stakes races were selected. This made it possible for some of our lesser stables to have a legit shot at entry.” To be sure, the powerful 21-barn Cadet outfit could not be considered in the “lesser” category no matter what residency he represented. Robby will fly the colors of ESR in Equinics 2016. He’s confident he’ll get the rez off to a fast start in the Grade 1 Pet Sematary. “I’m actually planning his next race after the Equinics. I fully expect the gold,” said the enthusiastic Sim trainer. “I just love the way he has handled himself so professionally coming from behind in his three wins. I think the slight regression in speed figs has him a prime play on the Simugraph sheets. With a 20-horse field, he is going to get plenty of pace to run at.” Cadet should know from graded 2yo turf talent. Just last year, he trained the Grade 1-winning ORPHEUS CADET. With Sup Bro, Robby thinks he very well may have another champion. “I think he has all the talent in the world. I’m very high on him and he reminds me a lot of Orpheus up to this point,” said Cadet. In addition to Sup Bro, three more 2yos will represent ESR after winning a residency-restricted “lock” race. ESR nominated its winners, regardless of their rankings in their divisions. “It was hard to carry out because there were 2yo graded winners in ESR that were not selected, because they did not race in the final. But the rules were very clear,” Trotter said. “For most of our team, we had about six or seven members do our selections. If a member had maybe three or four entries, we would lean to another member, so that member could be represented.” In the spirit of Equinics, any trainer who wants to represent his or her residency should have the pleasure of doing so, says Pete. “I get more satisfaction that at least 95 percent of the people that nominated a horse are represented,” he said. “It has been our mantra since our participation in Equinics as ESR or the Chat Room Racers. Equinics is a fun day by Simmers to be enjoyed by all.” Not surprisingly, Sup Bro is one of three co-favorites at 9-1. He’ll break near the outside from post No. 17.

“Bonzo Goes to Bitberg” On May 5, 1985, a political firestorm erupted when President Ronald Reagan laid a wreath at a West German cemetery where 49 Nazis were buried. “What Reagan did was (messed) up,” Joey said. “Everybody told him not to go, all his people told him not to go, and he went anyway. How can you forgive the Holocaust?” Joey and Dee Dee wrote the scathing “Bonzo Goes to Bitburg” about the incident, though Johnny was none too pleased with his band bashing the Republican icon. A compromise was reached. They renamed the song “My Brain Is Hanging Upside Down (Bonzo Goes to Bitberg.)” The Ramones never had much time to waste on stage, and neither does SEPOY’S DREAM, a speedy bay son of Oasis Dream. Sepoy’s Dream became graded-placed last out when he settled for third after setting the pace to the head of the lane in the Grade 3 Coventry Stakes. He’s already validated trainer BMR006’s decision in February of this year to pull the plug on the mare of this colt. SEPOY SAINT, a 5yo bay daughter of the Australian sire Sepoy, had been a decent racer. She very nearly became stakes-placed on the dirt early in her career, but twice faded to fourth to miss that distinction. She never really did improve a whole lot off her early success. She was able to earn $230,000 in 29 starts, but was relegated to spotty success in allowance company. When she faded to fifth with a measly 87 speed figure in a turf sprint in Texas in February, BMR had seen enough. It was a good call, and one that has led to him representing the Racing HQ in Equinics 2016. Sepoy’s Dream already has outdone his mum in only three career starts. She was never stakes placed, and Sepoy’s Dream can be that and a lot more on Saturday in the Grade 1 Pet Sematary. This colt has proven graded speed, a proven affinity for the distance, and plenty of wind beneath his wings in terms of rest. That front-running effort in Berkshire will have been nearly two months hence by the time they go to post at 1:10 p.m. on Saturday. This could be the first horse to take the lead in an Equinics race this year. The 1:10 p.m. race in Vermont is a two-mile race. This race is a sprint. They’ll be to the finish in Brazil far before they finish those two miles in Vermont. Can Sepoy’s Dream be the first winner of Equinics 2016? He need only carry his speed a bit farther. He’s 18-1, and breaks from post No. 13.

“Beat on the Brat” was taken right out of Joey’s childhood in the Sixties. “I was living in Forest Hills, walking around the neighborhood,” he said. “Annoyed by all these rich ladies with their bratty kids.” He wrote down a simple song about beating them with a baseball bat, took the chord changes from the 1968 bubblegum hit “Yummy Yummy Yummy,” and a Ramones classic was born. Truly, the Ramones, Tees and the Elite Racing Club share something in mind. They both want EL ROCA D JOINT. For sure, with Dee Dee thumping the base and Johnny downstroking on his guitar, the Ramones rocked any joint they played. Now, how about this bay son of the New Zealand sire El Roca? He’s out of Tees’ 10yo brown daughter of Dubawi, STUCCO. This mare got back to form in the breeding shed last out with El Roca D Joint. She had been on a four-year dry spell as far as producing stakes horses. In the first first year Tees bred her, Stucco produced a stakes-placed horse by Dynaformer. However, an elongated cold streak followed, with a string of more affordable sires producing three straight claimers. Then came El Roca D Joint. This 2yo is poised to reverse his mama’s poor ways. He got her the first stakes win of her breeding career last out when he wired a 5.5-furlong listed test in South Africa. While the Once Wild Turf Juvenile was only a listed stake, it did go to post with a full field of 14. Big 2yo fields like that often produce hot paces, but El Roca D Joint withstood it easily, bolting to a two-length lead at the head of the stretch before cruising home to an easy victory. Can he get the lead again on Saturday? If the pace in that 14-horse listed was hot, then the pace in the 20-horse Grade 1 Equinics is going to be even hotter. This colt is undefeated and never headed. There’s only one way he’s going on Saturday. Like the Ramones, full blast! El Roca D Joint is 15-1, and breaks from post No. 12.

“Rockaway Beach” How many people who never spent a day in New York learned all about the geography of the city from Ramones songs? Rockaway Beach is deep into Queens (take the A Train to Broad Channel, and then transfer to the S to Rockaway Beach) and it’s where Dee Dee Ramone liked to spend time as a child. He wrote the song like a Beech Boys song, and it’s clearly the lightest song on the album “Rocket to Russia.” The single hit No. 66 in America. For most bands as famous as the Ramones, that would be a failure. Sadly, “Rockaway Beach” is the most successful song in their entire catalogue. They thought it was just the start of a real career as hitmakers. Little did they know it would be their peak. Surely, Selurvinek is similarly hoping that his horse QUANTITYTOQUALITY has a lot more winning to do. He’s been doing plenty of that already. Of the 20 horses going to post Saturday in the Grade 1 Pet Sematary, none have as many wins as this bay son of Dansili. He’s four-for-five, with his only defeat three back in his stakes debut. Quantitytoquality was only fifth in a 5.5-furlong listed in Louisiana on April 22. But, he made up for it next out when he layed a lot closer to the pace and took down a 6.5-furlong listed stake in Nebraska. That victory was on June 4, and Selurvinek did not want his colt coming into Equinics on a full two-month rest. He did not want a hard race, either, so he took an easy 5.5-furlong hot race on June 26 as a bit of a tightener. His low speed figure of 64 in that hot race has inflated his odds. Quantitytoquality is 17-1 despite being the winningest horse in the field. This colt draws his name from his broodmare sire. Selurvinek’s Grade 3-winning mare, LOTSA QUALITY, hit the jackpot with her first foal. Quantitytoquality is off to an awful nice start, but he’ll have to win on Saturday to catch up to STORM QUALITY, a 3yo bay daughter of Pivotal who is a Grade 1 winner. Selurvinek has to be overjoyed with the dynamite broodmare career which Lotsa Quality appears to have begun. Quantitytoquality will break from post No. 10. If he wins, his mare will have given Grade 1 winners with both of her first two foals. Quantitytoquality is 17-1 and will break from post No. 10.  He flies the colors of the Minnesota Testbarn Residency.

“The KKK Took My Baby Away” According to Ramones lore, Joey wrote this biting song after Johnny Ramone stole away his girlfriend and married her. Joey was a committed liberal and Johnny was a pretty far-right Republican. Joey supposedly equated him with the Ku Klux Klan. It’s a great story, but the song was largely written years before it appeared on 1981’s “Pleasant Dreams.” Joey’s brother, Mickey Leigh, says that Joey wrote the song about his parents disapproving of him dating a black woman. Whatever the truth, it’s an amazing song, and it deserved to be a hit. Oddly, radio programmers weren’t thrilled about playing a song with the term KKK in the title. Wouldn’t it be perfect if Pazjazz’s CHARM D’ORO were a white horse? He is not. Charm D’Oro is a bay son of Charm Spirit, who was bred in Ireland and stands in France. Pazjazz will represent the Universal Racing Club in the Grade 1 Pet Sematary with this contentious colt, who is no stranger to graded competition. Charm D’Oro has bucked heads with graded runners twice already. In his two most recent races, he faced a full field of 14 in a Grade 2 going six furlongs, and another full field in a Grade 3 same distance. So, he’s playing his game at six furlongs on Saturday. The horse was directly involved in both his graded tries, though all he got for it was the show dough two back in South Africa. Last out, Charm D’Oro broke in the middle of a four-wide pace battle. Halfway there, it was a three-way battle, but the whole field was closing in. He took the lead at the head of the stretch, but only briefly. The winner got away from him and he settled for fourth. Could he get a better trip this time and have a little bit more left for the test late in the lane? Probably not. There are even more horses in this race and the pace should be hot. He gets no breaks, but at least he’s been there, and done that. He’s been competitive at the class and distance. Charm D’Oro is 13-1 and breaks from post No. 8.

From this point forward, the number of stakes points earned by the entrants in the Grade 1 Pet Sematary begins to dwindle rapidly. While Charm D’Oro has 16 points, good for at least No. 70 in the division, no other runner in here has more than eight. There are no more runners in the Top 180 of the division.

“Judy Is a Punk” A key part of their live show from the band’s earliest days, “Judy Is a Punk” is 93 seconds of absolute minimalist brilliance. Joey wrote the song after seeing a bunch of kids hanging around an apartment building in New York. It’s about a “punk” and a “runt” who go to Berlin to join the Ice Capades and then to San Francisco to join the Symbionese Liberation Army. In homage to the 1965 Herman’s Hermits classic “I’m Henry the Eighth, I Am” Joey yells out “second verse, same as the first” before singing the second verse a second time. He was raised on simple pop songs like that, and had little use for the bloated rock songs that were all over the radio when the Ramones formed. Luckily, there will be no beating around the bush in the Grade 1 Pet Sematary. They’ll decide it in less than 75 seconds. That suits Liam, who will represent the powerful GR Simsters in Equinics 2016 with MENZIES CENTRE, a bay son of Exceed and Excel, who was born in Australia and stands in Ireland. This speedy colt ran off to a big lead last out in his listed debut, cruising along three and one half lengths to the good in the GR Simsters 2yo Challenge Series. That’s the good news. The bad news is that the five-horse field more closely resembled one of the hot-race fields that Liam so famously enjoys than a bona-fide stakes race. By means of comparison, Cadet’s Sup Bro defeated a field of 11 when he qualified to represent ESR in their equivalent qualifying race. The GR Simsters had only five runners in the race which Menzies Centre won. Opponents of the GR Simsters are not impressed. They are convinced this horse can provide but a pace presence, and will be long gone by the time the real running takes place in late stretch. Liam does not see it that way. “I bred the horse to be a 2yo runner,” he said. “The breeding is based on some of the hottest sires in Australia right now. Exceed and Excel and the dam sire Sebring. He seems a real jump-and-run type who beat some very well-bred types in his last couple of wins. Hoping he sits hard up on the pace and proves hard to catch.” The colt is named for a large, newly built hospital in Liam’s home state of Tasmania. “Menzies exists to perform internationally significant medical research leading to the healthier, longer and better lives for our Tasmanians,” says a public announcement by hospital staff. Liam is a proud Tasmanian! As a matter of fact, may we assign a new nickname for Liam, who never met a hot race he did not like? How about The Tasmanian Devil. When Liam is hot racing, we can see him spinning wildly, just like the cartoon acquaintance of Bugs Bunny. Menzies Centre is 13-1 and breaks from post No. 4.

“Pet Sematary”  Things got rough for the Ramones in the 1980s. The decade began with the commercially disappointing Phil Spector-produced “End of the Century” and ended with Dee Dee Ramone leaving the band. Shortly before he left, longtime Ramones fan Stephen King asked if they’d write a new song for the film adaptation of his best-selling horror novel “Pet Sematary.” It’s poppier and less abrasive than many of their songs, but the hook is very strong. It rose high on the Modern Rock chart, but failed to cross over to pop radio and did not crack the Hot 100. Still, it was their most successful single in years. Might it be that if your horse draws “Pet Sematary” for its theme song, it’s destined for a gold medal? If so, DA WINNER IS SJ. That’s right, SJ Meola trains this scratch-bred bay son of Gleneagles (Nureyev X Sharpen Up.) He will represent the East-West Connection with DA WINNER IS SJ, undefeated in three races, all of them at Saturday’s distance at six furlongs. So far, SJ Meola has been patient with this colt. He’s given him plenty of rest between his races as he has taken each rung in the class ladder one at a time. He’s stayed perfect as he’s risen through his first two allowance conditions, never once facing a short field. His speed figures have drawn attention with back-to-back 83s. Now, the simple question is class. EWC shows its faith in this undefeated colt on the big jump into the Grade 1 Equinics. He’s been on or near the lead in his races, but he’ll be looking to take back at least a little bit from what is expected to a be a white-hot pace in the Grade 1 Pet Sematary. There’s no way to be absolutely certain how good this colt is. He’s never been beaten. Nobody has been inside a length of him at the wire. He may have more to give,and we’ll find out just how much more on Saturday. SJ Meola has been careful with placing this talented colt so far, but the kid gloves come off on Saturday. He’ll take the big class jump and see if he’s worthy of winning an Equinics gold medal. Da Winner Is SJ is one of the three co-favorites at 9-1, and breaks from post No. 11.

“Teenage Lobotomy” It’s very tough to pick the Ramones’ single greatest album, but many fans probably would agree it’s 1977’s Rocket to Russia. The group had been touring for three solid years by this point, and they finally captured their raw live energy on a record. Oddly, many of the songs are about mental illness, including “Teenage Lobotomy,” which kicks off side two. “It’s a mini-symphony,” said Rocket to Russia engineer Ed Stasium. “It has every element of what’s great about them, in one song — the big drum intro and the ‘Lobotomy’ chant; the little background-harmony oooohs; the subject matter.” As far as picking the winner of the Grade 1 Pet Sematary, I guess you’d have to say this colt is a no-brainer! Theme song or no, DESERT GALAXY, a bay son of Oasis Dream, will have to smash a longstanding BTB hex to bring home the gold for Queensland Racecourse. His trainer happens to me my old friend Nextbonus Bill of Chicago, who has mercifully forgiven me for putting the kibosh on his horses over the years when I preview any in the BTB. There we sat in the Simulated Owner’s Box at the Simulated track at Brazil the other day, betting on Liam’s hot races and waxing nostalgic about the Old Days at the Spa of the Appalachians. A long way from home, I decided to confide in Bill. “DDT did a job on me,” I half-whispered. “Now, I am a real sickie. Guess I’ll have to break the news, that I’ve got no mind to lose. Now, I guess I’ll have to tell ’em, that I’ve got no cerebellum.” But really, how much brainpower can it take to train a Simulated horse? Even yours truly has been to the winner’s circle, and I’m a trainer about whom Bill once said “was semi-intelligent in a Cro-Magnon sort of way.” (Sorry old buddy, I could not resist. Also, the previous fictitious comments are actual lyrics to “Teenage Lobotomy.”) Like Selurvinek (trainer of QuantitytoQuality), Nextbonus has used an easy hot race as a bridge to the Equinics. Desert Galaxy ran third in a listed stake on May 28, convincing Bill that he was good enough to get a shot in Equinics. He did not want to give his horse another tough race, and he did not want to come in on more than two months of rest. So, he used a hot race as a published workout on July 7, and gave his horse a go around the Brazil track to get ready. He was maybe trying to learn a little bit about the colt as he prepped on dirt, but the whole point was to be fit for Equinics. Desert Galaxy is 19-1 and breaks from post No. 9.

“Havana Affair” A widely held conception about this song, famously covered by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, was that it was written to poke fun at the United States for its involvement in the failed “Bay of Pigs” invasion of Cuba. “PT boat on the way to Havana/I used to make a livin’ man, pickin’ the banana/Now I’m a guide for the CIA/Hooray for the USA!” go the lyrics. Written by Johnny Ramone, it appeared on the Ramones’ debut album, “Ramones.” To better fit as a tribute for the horse it’s matched with here, the song “Havana Affair” might have instead plotted a CIA coup against some unsuspecting town in Canada. Bizalls will represent The Eh Team in Equinics 2016 with the longest shot in the field. DYNACAT LV will break down on the far inside from post No. 1 at a whopping 60-1! In yet another piece of evidence that the Sim is a worldly game, this is a South African-bred colt that will represent Canada while racing in Brazil. For Pete’s sake, the horse already has traveled halfway around the world. Running six furlongs in front of 19 other 2yos should be a skip and a jump for this globetrotter. Dynacat LV has earned the utter disdain of the morning line oddsmaker in Brazil despite qualifying in front of nearly half the field. While it’s true that the horse has earned only four stakes points, that’s enough to have him ranked ahead of nine other runners. There are three more with four stakes points, but they’re all ranked behind Dynacat LV. But still, he’s by far the longest shot in the field. Apparently, the morning line oddsmaker was not impressed with his victory last out in a local-bred allowance with a very strange condition. The five-furlong turf sprint held on May 30 at the South African track was an allowance restricted to horses that had not won a race in the past year. The only way a non-maiden could have qualified for the race is if he had somehow won a race as a yearling. We do not have any yearlings in the Sim. Therefore, the funny condition essentially converted an allowance race into a maiden race. Dynacat LV, by the affordable South African sire Dynasty, pounced. He went right to the front in a field of seven and never was threatened. Impressed though the other six trainers in the race may have been, the oddsmaker in Brazil was non-plussed. “This horse is 60-1!” he declared.

“Commando” In an interview with “Your Flesh” magazine on his book, “The Heebie-Jeebies at CBGB’s: A Secret History of Jewish Punk,” author Steven Lee Beeber gives this point of view of the song. “It combines tongue-in-cheek fascism, digs at Nazis, silliness and shoutouts to New York Jews in one nice package, namely, the chorus, which lists the rules for mercenaries.” The four rules are as follows: Follow the laws of Germany, don’t talk to Communists, be nice to your mother and eat kosher salami. The Ramones made up their own set of rules, and so has Ivanymil in his training of RESULTA Y ACONTECE. Conventional wisdom says maiden horses should race in races for maidens. Of course, the special circumstances of 2yo racing can cause a trainer to embrace the unconventional. Normally, Ivanymil probably does not debut many horses in listed stakes. However, the special circumtances of 2yo racing provided Ivanymil with the incentive to do something different with Resulta Y Acontece. He felt this bay son of Darci Brahma, out of his stakes-placed mare LYCAN HUNTER, was potentially a stakes-caliber 2yo. Instead of racing him in a maiden race, he opted instead for a listed stake going 6.5 furlongs on the turf in Pennsylvania. He was right! Resulta y Acontece won in convincing fashion. He closed stoutly to win in fast time, earning an impressive speed figure of 82. That number has gotten the attention of the oddsmaker. Despite the fact that he’ll make only his second career start in the Grade 1 Pet Sematary, Ivanymil will represent DelPenn National with one of the shorter prices, 12-1. There are only four horses in the race at lower odds. Translated from Spanish to English, this horse’s name means “and it occurs.” There is a youtube video of a Spanish-speaking rap group performing a song called “Resulta Y Acontece.” It sounds nothing like a Ramones song.

“Every Time I Eat Vegetables It Makes Me Think of You” A popular perception of this song by fans of the Ramones is that Joey wrote it about a fellow patient when he was institutionalized. While Joey made it out, a female patient he befriended did not. “She had a very bad affair with some cat from Hiroshima/She turned into a head of lettuce; she eats Thorazine in her farina.” The poor thing became a vegetable! It wasn’t fair what they did to Joey’s poor gal from the institution, and not much better to Jakematt’s BARB OUT FRONT, who drew the far outside post of No. 20 in the Grade 1 Pet Sematary. I guess we now have another piece of evidence that Pastures of Green runs a square Equinics. If they were going to rig a post position draw, they surely would not put the undefeated Barb Out Front in post No. 20. This colt fits the profile of many horses seen run well in graded competition over the years. First of all, he’s trained by the hugely successful Sim veteran Jakematt, who’s been running top class horses in this game since Mike invented it. Sim trainers have been shivering in their boots over any opponent named Barb Something since we started running Simulated ponies. Second of all, Barb Out Front fits a repeated profile known to show success, which is a horse assigned a short price despite qualifying far down the line with stakes points. Barb Out Front has only four stakes points, and as such is barely ranked at all in the division, at No. 580. She’s regally bred, however, by the brilliant Irish sire Galileo. She’s only 13-1, one of the lowest prices in the race and only four points off the co-favorites, who are all 9-1. Jakematt appears to have bought the broodmare of this promising colt early this year. A previous owner claimed her, raced her three times without a tag and gave up, apparently. Jakematt scooped up SOLO CUP, a 7yo brown daughter of Street Cry. He showed immediate faith in his purchase by sending the mare to the high-priced Galileo. So far, so good. The horse has led every step of his first two races. As such, there’s no telling how good he could be. Experience tells us to look out for Barb Out Front.

“Cretin Hop” was the opening song on “Rocket to Russia,” an album released in 1977 and hailed by critics as the band’s best ever. It pays homage to their fans, and was inspired by Cretin Avanue in St. Paul, Minnesota, named after the former Bishop Joseph Cretin. When the piece was performed on stage, the band would pogo dance. If they can manage a team upset over the favored GR Simsters, you may see some pogo dancing from Gowans and his mates at Blazing Saddles. The former kings of the now-defunct 3-man contest have moved on to new Sim challenges, and none more coveted than the team gold medal in Equinics 2016. Gowans will try to aid the cause of Blazing Saddles with COWELL, a 2yo bay son of Dubawi, out of Gowans’ Grade 1-winning Oasis Dream mare, YOLO. Ben showed how much he thought of this juvenile colt when he went straight to listed stakes competition for his debut race, which he won. Cowell defeated four rivals in the Blazingly Good Juvenile Turf Stakes, which appears that it may have been a residency-restricted qualifying race along the lines of those held by ESR. Cowell made up a lot of ground in the stretch to win going away. He earned a speed figure of 80, which has certainly caught the eye of the morning line oddsmaker in Brazil. If the aforementioned Barb Out Front fits a profile for being a short price while far down the qualifying order, double down on Cowell. He’s not only a short price, he’s one of the favorites! That’s right, despite holding only four stakes points and no ranking in the Top 700 of the division, Cowell is favored to win a Grade 1 race. He’ll break from post No. 7 and, according to the oddsmaker, stands a fair chance of putting Blazing Saddles on the medal stand early in Equinics 2016.

“Now I Wanna Sniff Some Glue” consists of four lines of minimalist lyrics which are about youthful boredom and inhaling the solvent vapors contained in glue. “I hope nobody thinks we really sniff glue,” Dee Dee said. “I stopped when I was eight.” Tommy Ramone said the Ramones had enough songs with titles following the words “I Don’t Want to …”  He said “Now I Wanna Sniff Some Glue” was the first positive song on their debut album, “Ramones.”  Fastnfirm will represent the Megalopolis Racing Circuit with THUMBTACK, a bay son of the New Zealand sire Pins. In the interest of full disclosure, Pins has been a pet sire of this writer going back many years in this game. It will be hard for us not to root for Thumbtack, who was entered for a tag in his debut race. Now that he’s in the Equinics, Fastnfirm sure is glad nobody made a claim that day. The colt has proven himself to be versatile already. In only three career starts, he already owns victories on both turf and dirt. He took advantage of a soft spot last out for his dirt win. There were only five of them in a local-bred allowance, and Thumbtack drew away as the even-money favorite. Now, it’s back to the turf and a huge class jump for this versatile son of Pins. This horse is facing some massive challenges in the Grade 1 Pet Sematary. He’s jumping all the way from a local-bred, entry-level allowance to face not only open company, but open company in a Grade 1 race. To make matters worse, he’s been racing against short fields. Add it up, and Thumbtack will face more rivals in the gate in Brazil on Saturday than he has in his first three races combined (19 to 18). Considering those challenges, it’s no surprise that Thumbtack is the second-longest price on the board at 32-1. He’ll break from post No. 6.

“I Don’t Want to Go Down to the Basement” Of the 14 songs on the 1976 debut album, “The Ramones,” this song was the longest, barely surpassing two and a half minutes. The LP was greeted by rock critics with glowing reviews. Newsday’s Wayne Robbins went so far as to annoint the Ramones as “the best young rock and roll band in the known universe.” Despite high hopes, the album was not a commercial success, reaching only No. 111 on the Billboard album chart. At the band’s first major performance outside of New York, a June date in Youngstown, Ohio, approximately 10 people showed up. There will be at least that many in the winner’s circle on Saturday if DIVINE GREATNESS wins. This bay daughter of Uncle Mo is the only filly in the Grade 1 Pet Sematary. As such, she becomes the rooting interest for half of the fans at Simulated Brazil on Saturday. Fillies have won some big races against the boys in the history of the Sim, and the latest to try it is Blackace, who will represent the Northwest Racing Circuit.  Only a change in plans has resulted in this filly ending up in the 2yo turf race at Equinics. Originally, Blackace was thinking main track. It’s no wonder considering the sire, but you’ve got to be ready to adapt quickly in the Sim. To his credit, Blackace called an audible with this filly when she lost her first two races, both on dirt. He switched to turf third out at the ultra-short sprint distance of five furlongs, and watched Divine Greatness win going away to break her maiden. The filly validated that win last out when she ran a contentious third in her stakes debut. Divine Greatness pressed the pace in third, appeared to be losing position near the head of the stretch, then fought back resolutely to hang on for a game third. She faces massive challenges in the Grade 1 Pet Sematary, taking huge leaps both in terms of class and the distance of the race. She’s run good twice at five furlongs, a far different pace dynamic than Saturday’s six furlongs. Divine Greatness is 25-1 and will break from post No. 14.

“Pinhead” is the song that made the catch-phrase “Gabba Gabba Hey” famous. “Gabba gabba, we accept you, we accept you, one of us.” In Allan Arkush’s film “Rock ‘n’ Roll High School,” during a Ramones concert at The Roxy, a character in a Schlitzie mask appears on stage carrying a large sign with the phrase “Gabba Gabba Hey.” Afterward, the band felt it was necessary to the live experience. A roadie would appear on stage in a pinhead mask, hand the sign to Joey, and perform was what colloquially referred to as the “jerk dance.” Though I’ve not yet seen a rider do a “jerk dance” after a race, I have heard plenty of them called pinheads. Not that Kashbarn would resort to such measures. Representing Comedy Central, Kashbarn has a regally-bred son of Dansili here in GHOSTBUSTERS III. With this colt, Kashbarn, also known as Roxyken to his old mates at Comedy Central and the Black Type Bugler, shows he’s more than an entertainer. He knows how to play the game. He claimed LUCKY’S NEIL in January 2015, then transferred him to another barn under his control. Hoping the elongated rest might somehow awaken hidden talent in his blue-blooded claim, Kashbarn gave him a couple of allowance chances in late 2015. He still would not run. The decision to pull the plug was easy, and quite likely just what Kashbarn had in mind all along. The he-mare operation resulted in a colt that has gotten to an Equinics race. According to the morning-line oddsmaker, he’s not without a chance. Ghostbusters III is only 11-1 in here, and will break from post No. 16. He’s been assigned short prices in both his races so far, and the trend continues in The Grade 1 Pet Sematary.

The final three qualifiers for the Grade 1 Pet Sematary are where the stakes points run out. These horses own maiden victories only. But hey, in real-life racing, Saratoga fans just watched a maiden win the Jim Dandy. His name was Laoban.

“I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend” was the band’s second single from their debut album, “Ramones.” The song nailed the power pop sound so perfectly that the Bay City Rollers themselves wanted to cover it. The song is held together by girl-group-style backing vocals, courtesy of producer Craig Leon and engineer Rob Freeman. When Dee Dee was too overzealous in trying to sing the parts, Leon and Freeman took over and sang the part themselves. Despite the lack of stakes points, DON CANELON is a powerful-looking scratch-bred. This big bay colt is by King Kamehameha, with Forty Niner in the middle and Blushing Groom behind. He’s bred for high-class racing, that much is for sure. He’ll get his chance on Saturday in the Grade 1 Pet Sematary. Trained by Ariannys, Don Canelon will represent Hispano Parlante in Equinics 2016. Normally, the biggest class jump in horse racing is a horse’s first race against winners. That’s especially the case with Don Canelon, who has found himself in a very challenging spot for his first race against winners. He does have several factors working in his favor with this giant assignment. First, he’s been the distance. In fact, Don Canelon will be cutting back half a furlong off his maiden win, earned June 4 in Kentucky. In winning that race, he gained experience in defeating a large field. It was a full field of 14 in that maiden race. It’s an even fuller field of 20 in the Grade 1 Pet Sematary. Finally, he has plenty of rest in the tank, with two full months between his maiden win and the Equinics.

“Glad to See You Go” was written by Dee Dee and Joey about Dee Dee’s ex girlfriend, Connie. She was a heroin-addicted stripper who fought with Dee Dee constantly, and once stabbed him in the ass with a broken bottle. According to Arturo Vega, close friend of the band and designer of the The Ramones logo, it went down like this. Connie and Dee Dee had one last fight, after which she stormed out, cursing at him. “Glad to see you go!” Dee Dee yelled out the window. It also seems like something you might yell at a horse when he’s running as fast as you would like. If Vyz can get FINKE VARAGE to run into medal contention on Saturday, you can be his mates at MIDAS will be glad to see him go. Finke Varage went just fine in his only career race so far. Vyz debuted this brown son of Cape Cross in a 5.5-furlong maiden test on June 12 in Belgium. He wired a big field of 13 at the short price of 2-1. The morning line oddsmaker had shown respect to Finke Varage in his first career test, and it was well deserved. He was the best horse in the race that day. Vyz shows a lot of faith in this colt by nominating him for Equinics despite having raced only once. Here’s why he has so much confidence in this horse: the mare. Finke Varage is out of Vyz’s Grade 1-winning mare, OUTBACK VIRAGE II. This 6yo brown daughter of Monsun was a magnificent racehorse for Vyz. An amazing this about her was that she did not begin her career until after she had turned four. But when she finally got to run, my gosh, did she run! Outback Virage II was a tiger on the track, winning six of her first seven races on the dirt, and that was not even her preferred surface. Vyz could not have known it at the time, but Outback Virage II earned her greatest honors on the turf. When she failed to convert her dirt form to graded success in two tries off the board, Vyz switched surfaces. Boom! Another winning streak. She won four in a row, including the Grade 1 Sand Castle Turf Sprint. So, we now must completely understand the faith Vyz is showing in Finke Virage. If he’s like his million-dollar mama, he’s capable of winning a Grade 1 turf sprint. Finke Virage is 16-1 and breaks from post No. 3.

“We’re a Happy Family” is a caricature of the conditions in which 20th Century middle-class America lived. The song’s lyrics depict a dysfunctional family where the father is a lying homosexual, the mother is addicted to prescription drugs and the infant has chills. Friends with the president, friends with the pope, the family still sells dope. That’s our final Ramones song in our Top 20. Our final horse in the Grade 1 Pet Sematary is DIAMOND PAGE. 3away’s scratch-bred gray son of Dalakhani, with Danehill in the middle and Pivotal behind, will represent the British and Nordic Racing Club. Like the two others without stakes points, Diamond Page will make the huge class jump to Grade 1 off a maiden victory. Diamond Page broke his maiden on June 25 in Japan, making up a lot of ground in the stretch to get up against a field of seven going 5.5 furlongs. Of the three horses in here off maiden wins, you’d probably have to pick Finke Varage because the broodmare was a Grade 1 winner. However, there’s no way to know for sure which one might be a real runner. It might be Diamond Page, who did show a very strong kick in the stretch in his first race. Whether he can do it at Equinics going six furlongs is a huge question, but you never know. Diamond Page is 18-1 and breaks from post No. 5.

GOOD LUCK EVERYBODY!!!!