The Grade III Bouquet o’ Daisies

The feature on this weekend’s British Columbia card is the Grade III Bouquet o’ Daisies Stakes going a mile on the dirt course.  Without further dilly-dallying, the field:

1)      Cupid’s Dead (16-1):  “Help me sdmf2, help me!” the protocol droid yelled to his companion.  Sdmf2, still belligerent about being cut from EVERY scene he appeared in the Star Wars trilogy, remained in the corner and did nothing.  “Why don’t you translate something or get your jedi friend to help you?  You don’t want me around anyway.  Your action scene would just get cut.”  The other droid was blown to bits before he could respond.  Sdmf2 snorted as much as a machine could snort and pondered the chance of his snorting horse on the rail in the feature.

2)      Ollie Price (17-1):  I wonder if trainer ismith’s name is really “I Smith”, like “I Robot”, the crappy Will Smith vehicle from a couple of years back, or ismith, rhymes with isthmus, except with half a lisp.  Either way, ismith’s runner today would have half a chance if he were running half a mile shorter race.

3)      Rain Dancing (17-1):  King Philip III of France was known as Philip the Bold and was son of King Louis IX.  Unfortunately, the “Bold” part of his name was somewhat of a misnomer.  His reign was dominated by his father’s officials and policies.  It is uncertain if trainer phillipj3 has a nickname or the specifics of his relationship with his dad.

4)      Crafty Status (17-1):  After hearing “Win one for the gipper” for the fourth time since she was claimed by gipper from Wenlock, Crafty Prospector silently wonders why she couldn’t have been claimed by a trainer named Fred or Larry or Sue.  Coincidentally, she has not yet failed to win for the gipper.

5)      Bubblegum Rock (11-1):  Trainer highpoint once tried to juice his horse with pop rocks (the Original Margarita invitational two starts back), but failed when he couldn’t find a pop rock recipe for a margarita and instead went with the Exploding Strawberry Daiquiri (Strawberry schnapps, light rum, lime juice, powdered sugar, strawberries and pop rocks on top).  Next year he’s just going to throw some tequila in there and he’ll have a winner for sure.

6)      Empire Gold (6-1):  It’s a little known fact that Jason Bateman took over the Todd Howard role from Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf two.  Trainer jwolfe607 never got past the first audition for the sequel when he kept insisting that wolf was spelled with an ‘e’.  Empire Gold cares little about her trainer’s acting career troubles, she’s focused on winning today after her last race, a dominating win in the Dirtydirtydishragyou Stakes.

7)      Homecoming Dance (5-1):  Trainer baileybarn is clearly named after a horse racing legend, Baileys on the rocks in the clubhouse after the races are run.  Baileys commercial’s aren’t as sexy as those Amaretto Disaronno commercial’s with the girl licking the ice cube, but you can’t make a mudslide with amaretto, so nobody really cares.  Homecoming Dance has won over a million bucks.  That’ll buy baileybarn a lot of cocktails.

8)      Desfly’s Giant (12-1):  Desfly’s Giant, not surprisingly, never lived up to her name.  She’s not a giant at all.  She’s just an ordinary sized horse.  There was a class-action lawsuit against trainer dessie for consumer fraud, but nobody was really sure what a dessie was or where to find one, so the lawsuit was dropped.

9)      Classic (10-1):  In kindergarten, trainer sunkitten was voted most likely to succeed in getting a horse with a one word name to be an also ran in a Graded stakes race.  Those crazy kids.  That’s mean.  Classic actually might earn a check today and if able to handle the step up, could actually beat this talented field.  If Classic wins, sunkitten can go back to the small town where he came from (I hope sunkitten is a he) and taunt that little brat Lissa Parntel who thought she was so much better than everyone else back when they were six.

10)   Buck the System (7-1):  I think trainer verygooday is being very irresponsible in naming a horse Buck the System.  This kind of anarchist propaganda is what’s wrong with the world today.  Follow the system!  That’s what the system is there for.  Jeez.  Despite his trainer’s social deviancy, Buck the System is 7-1 and will be a factor today.

11)   Forest Emblem (15-1):  Trainer lenny1 has been accused at cheating at acey-deucey, three man, four-square, five card draw, the pick six, seven card stud, crazy eights, nine ball, the place pick ten, twenty one and even, yes it’s true, fifty two card pick up.  He is clearly a dirty rotten scoundrel.  Charges have not yet been filed in any of the previously listed accusations.

12)  Berzerk Gold (7-1):  In the future, the sun is either going to expand and boil the earth away or shrink and freeze the earth up like kool-aid in the freezer, I forget which.  Trainer futurestar is clearly forecasting doom for this field with his fine filly Berzerk Gold, much like the sun is forecasting doom for us denizens of earth.  At least, that’s what I think his name means.

13)  Cadillac Moon (9-2):  Trainer blackswan is nothing but a glorified duck.  At least, that’s what the Chaffee Zoo website tells me.  Black swans “in truth, are glorified geese, and geese are just big ducks.  Black swans… excuse me, black big ducks, have red bills with a white stripe down by the tip.  They even have black legs.  I’ve never seen one, but I now have seen pictures.  They’re kind of cute.  Not as cute as Cadillac Moon’s chances here, which are very cute indeed, even breaking from the outside post.  Last out dominated the field in the Grade I Orange Blossom and if able to break alertly, could be right there on the front end again today.

It looks like it’s going to be a great race.  Good luck to all the participants.