Ah, yes, it’s the long awaited Battle of the Bargain Bred Achievers.   And proud we are of all of them.  7 furlongs on the turf, in South Korea, maiden with a modest 20k price tag.  Did I mention these are 4yo’s and up?  Not exactly a lightweight…more like a featherweight.

 

What’s this all about, you ask?  Let me explain something about the Dude…

 

Way out East there’s a fellow with the stable name of Lebowski00.  He’s perhaps the laziest man in all the Archipelago…which would put him in the running for laziest worldwide, if it weren’t for Beisbol….also known as Donny. Donny who loved bargain breds.  So now I’m going to tell you a story that’s every bit as stupefying as the idea itself.  You’re not dealing with morons, here.

 

The race is composed of 10 unraced, Bargain Bred, 4yo maidens.  5 from the Beisbol side, 5 from the Lebowski00 side.  There are 4 other horses in the race, but they weren’t invited, so they don’t count.  This is the SIM, there are rules.  Am I wrong?

 

Yes, the rules.  The rules say that the breeder must abide by the tenets of the Bargain Bred Racing Series, run by Knightmare.  He’s a good man, and thorough.  But anyhoo, each breeder had to pick a sire and use him somewhere in all 5 pedigrees.  We were going to have a restricted race, but it was already the 10^th and someone had stolen my briefcase with my business papers.  And the Creedence. The cops had no leads.  This is our concern, dude.  Mike did not receive the money.

 

So here they are, 10 entrants representing the 10 pins in this bowling alley we call life.

Instead of analyzing pedigree on first time starters (BORING!), I’ll give you a little context on how the horses were named.  This, this is a worthy adversary.

 

Lebowski00 – uses Royal Applause(GB) as his foundation sire.

 

Mr.Treehorn(KY) – Jackie Treehorn, specifically, deals in publishing…but is rumored to be in the smut business. He’s got a sweet pad in Malibu, but needs to hire some better help (they’re not very good at millionaire identification).  The name literally refers to our hero’s declaration that “Mr. Treehorn treats objects like women, man”.  13-1  PP1

 

Urban Achiever(SAF) – Shoot yeah, the Achievers! They may not have the necessary means for the necessary means for a higher education, but the Big Lebowski is racially pretty cool.  Although not literally his children, the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers receive funding from the Foundation, which really has all the money.  16-1 PP2

 

I’m The Dude(WA) – So that’s what you call him!  Self-referential term offered by Jeffrey himself…don’t call him Mr. Lebowski.  El Duderino is ok, if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.  Cleverly enough, he is a Washington bred, which jives historically with the Dude’s time in the Seattle Seven.  That was him….and six other guys.  11-1 PP5

 

Walter Sobchak(CO) – The once-stated full name of the Dude’s sidekick who once dabbled in Pacifism.  Not in ‘Nam, of course.  We learn of his surname only via an answering machine message, which states that “Walter Sobchak…drew a firearm during league play.”  This contravenes a number of the SIM’s by-laws.  The race is on Saturday afternoon since he wouldn’t run on Shabbos.   10-1 PP6

 

 

Maude Lebowski(Eng) – Her stepmother is a nympho, she has a friend with a cleft bunghole, her work has been commended for its feminine anatomicality, and she wants Jeffrey to see the doctor.  Clearly she has a lot of issues.  If she wins the race, she’ll collect a great sum of bones, or clams, or whatever you call them.  15-1 PP13

 

And now on to Beisbol – he selected Lavirco(GER) as his foundation sire

 

Pigs In Blanket(FR) – The overwhelming favorite choice of Nihilists at the Pancake House, this refers to “Pigs In a Blanket”, which they ordered in lieu of Lingonberry Pancakes.  Apparently losing your toe when you thought you would get a million dollars makes you lean towards the Swedish delicacy.  Superjock Mike Ockert breaks from PP4 and is 20-1.

 

Asian American(JPN) – The guy who peed on the rug?  You can’t just go out and give him a bill!  The Dude, in his distress, referred to him as the Chinaman, but clearly that is NOT the preferred nomenclature.  Asian American, please.  22-1 PP8

 

Lottawhathaveyous(KY) – In the course of solving the mystery of Bunny Lebowski (she kidnapped herself), the Dude had to process a lot of different strands in his head.  Keeping his mind limber was important to keep his thinking from becoming uptight.  The case had a lot of facets – “…lotta ins, lotta outs, lotta what-have-yous.”  And all the Dude ever wanted was his rug back.  23-1 PP9

 

Rugpeers(FR) –  The two gentlemen who “soiled” the Dude’s rug were certainly a couple of goons with questionable sleuthing skills, but were not suspected of the kidnapping or the acquisition of the severed pinky toe.  “Rugpeers did not do this!” was the conclusion.  Ever thus to deadbeats, Lebowski.  32-1 PP12

 

Burkhalter(FR)–  Much to the dismay of Walter, the League Office posted the schedule for the next round robin, and it was not to his liking.  As you know, Walter honors 5,000 years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax, and therefore does not roll on Shabbos.  Still harboring ethnic resentment (he’s living in the past), Mr. Burkhalter was loudly slurred (off-screen) and notified that he can UN-post it.  He had been told a thousand times.  Which is ample.  18-1 PP14

 

It’s clear that there is an unspoken message here – Beisbol was screwed with the post positions (4,8,9,12,14 vs. 1,2,5,6,13 for Lebowski00).  I’ve never been more sure of anything in my entire life.  Stay tuned for more BoBBA races – after the, uh, whathaveyou…