Fox, NBC Team Up For ‘Idol’ Judges At the Races
Denver, CO – (AP) – For Fox viewers tired of American Idol’s corny, lip-synched video sequences that make those ninety-second musical montages from the old Monkee’s episodes seem like the work of a visionary genius, the other ‘stars’ of the show took over for a long portion of Wednesday’s result show. For NBC viewers tired of horse racing telecasts that relied on the comic wit, genius analytical ability, and on camera presence of Hank Goldberg for hours on end, it was a rare opportunity to be conjoined with mainstream American viewership. Though I’m sure folks tuning in to watch the most famous horse race were truly excited to learn about the career plans of nine random trillionaire athletes that all needed to use a ‘street shout-out’ to remember that they were going to bet on Big Brown, the horse racing fan wants to hear about Calvin Borel, not Calvin Klein. So, the masterminds behind creative moments of brilliance such as “My Big, Fat, Ugly Fiancée” and “Wings” assembled the greatest combination of mismatched flavor since the guy with the jar of peanut butter ran into the dude eating the chocolate bar. American Idol judges Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, and yes, Simon Cowell met up with ‘Idol’ host Ryan Seacrest for an afternoon of at the races at Denver Downs, not-so-ironically located in Denver, Colorado. While the four contestants prepared for an afternoon that began with a ‘team’ rendition of the National Anthem and would be followed by five hours of clumsily choreographed videography while enjoying ‘a day at the races’, the celebrated judges used their talents to entertain fans and devout handicappers. Substituting for track announcer Greg “Bellow” Wry, Ryan Seacrest hosted the track’s daily handicapping show, a fifteen minute preview of the day’s races featuring Wry’s “expert” selections. This episode, however, Wry’s insight was relegated to those eager to fork over four bucks for the daily copy of “Bellow’s Bombs: Saturday’s Winners”. Instead, the three ‘Idol’ judges sat before a live crowd outside of the paddock area composed primarily of shrilly teenagers that had never seen a horse race and carefully critiqued the merits of each entrant in Saturday’s featured Wisely Without Jed Handicap. What else would a panel of the three most notorious handicappers do at the races? While the trio roamed off-topic from time to time during the brief appearance, the concerted effort to appeal to racing fans while remaining true to their American Idol identity was a welcome strategy for most viewers. “I couldn’t imagine why they entered one of these horses in the race when I read the form.”, explained local racing fan and Denver Downs patron Billy Bones. “I was hoping Simon would give them hell and he delivered.” The following is a transcript of the televised broadcast of Denver’s Nuggets, the handicapping show that preempts the live racing broadcast from Denver Downs. * * * * * [Ryan] : “Welcome racing fans, welcome Idol fans. Welcome fans of making Simon do something that makes him look stupid.”
[Simon] : “Ryan, why… Ryan, why are you so sure that I am not perfectly comfortable in this role as horse racing handicapper? I happen to be a huge fan of horse racing.”
[Ryan] : “I actually believe you Simon. I mean, when you make rude comments to a horse, it can’t talk back.”
(pause for delayed clapping and half-hearted laughter as audience wonders why the ‘applause’ sign is lit.)
[Randy] : “Yeah but they kick, yo.”
(pause for delayed clapping and half-hearted laughter as audience wonders why the ‘applause’ sign is lit.)
[Ryan] : “Okay judges, or should I say, handicappers, let’s look at the big race this weekend. Randy, this is a long race, a mile and five-eighths. It has been raining and the track could be muddy; did any of these things factor into your opinion of the one horse, Deputy Mon?”
[Randy] : “You know what dog? I’m not worried about the distance, this horse is in his comfort zone. The bad track? You know what? He’s trying something new and that’s cool with me; he seems to like the turf courses a little bit, so it’s not like, you know, he needs to be on a dry, dirt track.”
[Ryan] : “Paula, are you worried about the track condition?”
[Paula] : “I’m not…ummm… worried… about anything… or nor do I not… think that Deputy Mon, he can do it all when… he believes in himself and that ray of supersonic sunshine flows through his aura.”
[Simon] : “Deputy Mon, Deputy Mon. Okay. It’s sort of like… going to Denny’s for breakfast. I don’t ask for a whole lot; most of the time you perform well enough to satisfy my needs. Sometimes the French Slam is little better than usual, sometimes a little worse. But you’ll never confuse it with fine dining.”
[Ryan] : “Did you just compare the one horse to breakfast?”
[Simon] : “No, what I’m saying is… never mind, I can’t explain about a horse to a jackass.”
(audience ‘oooooohs’ believably.)
[Ryan] : “Okay, okay. Randy, what about the two, Sittinwaitinwishin?”
[Randy] : “For me, this one just didn’t do it, yo. He’s got some speed, but he’s not the fastest. He doesn’t really finish very well. I don’t know, dog, he’s definitely not in form and even his best race is just… alright… you know. I don’t know; Paula?”
[Paula] : “The thing that… I love about you is… you never give up, you… stay true to who you are. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that… you can’t… win or that the competition is too tough. Keep fighting.”
[Ryan] : “So Paula, you like Sittinwaitinwishin?”
[Paula] : “Ryan, I like all of the horses. To have made it… this far.. It speaks… giant strides for all the talent that you do have and the passion and… belief in yourself. I’m proud of you.”
[Simon] : “Here’s the bottom line. You will need an act of God himself in order for you to have the slimmest chance of even getting close in here. Sorry.”
(cue Idol ’transition’ music)
[Ryan] : “So Simon…”
[Simon] : “So Ryan…”
[Ryan] : “Can I borrow twenty bucks? It sounds like Sittinwaitinwishin is a cinch.”
[Simon] : “I’d say that a fool and his money are soon parted, but that would be disparaging to all the fools.”
[Ryan] : “Well, you would know.”
(audience correctly suspects that it is time to laugh.)
[Ryan]
: “Okay, on to number three, Duet, one of the favorites. Randy, he’s won his last four races, why won’t he win his fifth in a row?”[Randy] : “So check it out – week after week – time and time again, this colt is the real deal. He loves the distance, he’s the fastest from the gate. He’s in the zone, he’s the man, dog! Yeeaaah!”
(audience begins to woof in approval upon reference to ‘dog’.)
[Paula] :
(stands, bows) “I just love to see… you… that’s all I have to say.”[Simon] : “I think Randy hit it on the head. The last four or five performances you have come out here and commanded everyone’s attention, proved that you belonged, and backed it up by repeating one great performance after another. I mean, you aren’t doing anything spectacular, but, what you are doing is being done… spectacularly well. Nice job.”
(audience melts with Simon’s words of praise, screaming orgasmically without justification.)
[Ryan] : “Well… let’s move along now to another longshot, number four. He’s a son of High Chaparral and he’s a Capricorn – he’s Super Chap.”
[Randy] : “You know, this is a tough one for me, because, on the one hand, he looks the part. Got the nice physique, the regal stature and look, I mean, there is that star look. But when it gets right down to it, yo, it’s just… okay. You know what I mean… all that glitters, it ain’t always gold, dog.”
(audience senses the tone of Randy’s critique despite having no idea what he said and promptly boos.)
[Paula] : “I know what Randy is saying because you are beautiful.”
(audience screeches femininely in concurrence with Paula.)
[Paula] : “I think that really… you do a very… a very fine job. It may not always be the best… job… overall, but that’s not always what is important in life. Keep the faith.”
[Simon] : “Are you the best? No. Are you the worst? No. You are what you are and that… is average. Look, don’t get me wrong – on any given night, you could be better than a lot of the competition or maybe all of them. But are you actually the most talented? I would say… no.”
(audience reluctantly boos.)
[Ryan] : “Paula, do you think that it’s fair when Simon says that he lacks talent?”
[Simon] : “Ryan… listen to what I say, would you? I never said that he lacked talent. I simply said that.. I tried to say that in order to win, the competition needs to slip to his level on any given day. He is not the most talented – that I stand by, he simply can’t raise his game enough to beat better horses.”
(audience murmurs loudly, clearly indifferent to the importance of this clarification.)
[Paula] : “Simon… has… his opinion and he’s able to.. say what he thinks. We just disagree.”
[Ryan] : “Maybe you and Simon need to kiss and make-up.”
(audience shrieks its approval, Simon blushes, and Paula stands.)
[Simon] : “Pauler, I miss your tender touch.”
(Paula leans towards Simon and takes a betting ticket from his shirt pocket, placing it in her brassiere.)
[Paula] : “He may have to sign for this one Ryan.”
(audience gasps, Paula squints to get a better view of the teleprompter.)
[Paula] : “We’ll see if the urse… I mean, I. R. S. sends him a stimulus check.”
(audience whistles and cat-calls, Paula sits and sips her beverage, trying to make sense of her dialogue.)
[Ryan] : “Up next: it’s the veteran, seven-year-old Geared Down, number five in the gate. Randy, he’s made a lot of money, he’s won a bunch of races. What does he need to do to win on Saturday?”
[Randy] : “Ryan, he has run bad races before and he’s come back, dug in and bounced back with big races. His last two races are so bad, yo, you have to wonder if he can possibly find that comfort zone and step it up enough to show us what he can do.”
[Ryan] : “Paula, can he ’step it up’ or is he, as Randy suggested, just a little past his prime?”
[Paula] : “Ryan, the thing that I really love about Geared Down is he… is just… afraid to give in and say, that’s it… I need to take it easy now. He just keeps coming back and for that… I am just grateful to him.”
(audience assumes that was heartfelt and worthy of respectful applause.)
[Simon] : “Do you remember A Nightmare on Elm Street?”
[Randy] : “Yo, I loved that crazy dude… ohm, what’s his name… Freddy Krueger, that dog was wild with the crazy knives on his hands and the boiler room… yeeeahhhh….”
(audience goes insane at Randy’s moment of recognition, screaming and woofing like cosmetic testers.)
[Simon] : “Well Randy… Tell me, the first few movies were pretty good, right? And then, it got all kind of drab and boring when they started making Nightmare on Elm Street number six and eight. Sure, maybe number five is okay and number nine wasn’t as bad as number seven, but at this point… does anyone really expect to see anything new that isn’t going to just be at least a little below average?”
(audience looks at Randy, waiting for his reply to gauge the required reaction.)
[Paula] : “Wait, I don’t get it…”
[Simon] : “I don’t imagine that you would. That’s why I posed the question to Randy.”
(
audience ooooohhhss at the controversial remark.)[Randy] : (
chuckles sheepishly) “Yo, yo…” (more chuckles) “So.. Yo…” (more chuckles) “I know what your saying about Freddy Krueger, dog, but I don’t know, yo…” (tapering chuckles)[Ryan] : “Remember audience members, you too can get the Simon Cowell decoder ring with just two UPC symbols…”
(Ryan withdraws microphone from mouth, wiping away a laugh. Audience takes its cue; laughs.)
[Ryan] : “Anyway, back in America, we have a sixth horse in the race, Motu Ragu. Randy, some Motu Ragu for you too dude?”
(giggling from the audience is heard, prompting Randy to guffaw exactly once.)
[Randy] : “So check it out… This week is going to be a big challenge for Motu Ragu. He’s been playing it safe for weeks now, stayin’ inside his little thing he does. So check it out, check it out… We all know this dog can run but this week, for me, I need to see him step it up and take it to the next level.”
[Paula] : “Well Randy really summed… it… up well I think. You don’t need to prove to us that… you do what you do… very… well. But, at this stage of competition, you need to prove… that… you can do… that well, too.”
[Simon] : “What Pauler is trying to say is that…”
[Paula] : (
angrily) “Don’t tell me what I’m trying to say… I know…”[Simon] : “Well I’m sorry Pauler, what it sounds to me like you are trying to say is that it’s quite like he’s a .217 hitter in triple A ball with a .301 on base percentage and an .894 fielding percentage and now at age 46 he finally gets a call to the major leagues. I doubt he makes the All-Star team, you know?”
(Simon shrugs mightily, opens eyes extremely wide)
[Simon] : “Sorry.”
(cue Idol transition music.)
[Mel Allen] : “How aaah-bout that?!?!”
[Peter Gammons] : “Don’t look at me.”
[Ryan] : “How many more horses are there in this race?”
[Paula] : “It’s not just about the horses in… this race, Ryan. It’s… about… all the horses, everywhere.”
[Ryan] : “Randy, whatever horse comes after Mojo Raggo or whatever the last one was, what do you think?”
[Randy] : “Yo dog, the seven horse, dog, Angels Fall, you know, at first I was like, well this horse is just okay and stuff. But yo, when I seen the horses this one been runnin’ with, dude, this colt could really work it out, do his thing and make it his own. You know, only three wins and not really used to running this far, but if he does like this distance… He could win…the… whole… thing BABY, yeeeaahhhh, baby, that’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout.”
(audience members tear off their clothing in a beast like riot of support for Randy’s poetic words.)
[Paula] : “I thought you… ran a real good… race today. I’m proud of you.” (
smiles. Squeezes arms together in front of herself to promote cleavage growth) “Good job.” (winks.)[Randy] : “Paula – he…” (
whispering into microphone) “…hasn’t run yet.”[Simon] : “Pauler… this is before the race.”
[Paula] : “Wait… what… Oh, I read… about… it was NASCAR that he ran in… for… instead Labrador.”
[Simon] : “What she meant to say… and don’t give me any crap about not explaining what you’re trying to say if you can’t even read the bloody teleprompter…He’s got the talent, he seems to be learning… does he have a few question marks? Absolutely. But can he win the race? Absolutely.”
(audience begins to applaud wildly with approval, but is stopped short at the sight of Paula vomiting profusely. Upon completion, Paula refuses efforts to provide first aid, declaring her commitment to her job, her friends, family, pets, and fans.)
[Ryan] : “That’s why we love you Paula and will remain part of our family, forever. Thank you.”
(Simon kisses her on her vomit encrusted left cheek and the audience begins to coo lovingly, but is stopped short at the sight of Paula falling unconscious from her seat. Unable to refuse first-aid, Paula’s limp, vomit-coated body is removed from the set.)
[Ryan] : “Well Simon…”
[Simon] : “Yes Ryan…”
[Ryan] :
(smiling coyly) “At least she stayed on script that time… booo yeeaahhh!!!”[Simon] : “Bingo!”
(laughs)[Randy] :
(high fives Simon, reserves secret handshake for Ryan) “Let’s hear it mad props for the man Sea-doggy-dog!! Woof woof woof.”[Ryan] : “No really, really…”
(laughing) “Randy… the favorite, Theatrical Prayer… what do you think, can they beat him?”[Randy] : “Without a doubt. Look, this is a nice colt, he’s made a bunch of money and he’s run big races. But, dude, he gets way far out of it and tries to catch everyone late and the vast majority of the time, he doesn’t even get close to doing it. So yo, for me, he’s okay, but he’s not like… the bomb.. or nothing’.”
[Simon] : “The bomb? He’s not even a bloody billy club. A weapon of mass destruction had better do a better job than this horse’s habit of annihilating less than half of the targeted competition. I mean, please, what the hell kind of analogy is that anyway? You don’t think that’s going a little far Randy?”
[Randy] : “Dude… what I said was that he’s not the bomb…dude…”
[Ryan] : “Yeah, Simon, pay attention.”
(audience is thrilled with the admonishment, cheers proudly.)
[Simon] :
(scowls.) “I stand corrected.”(Simon shrugs mightily, opens eyes extremely wide)
[Simon] : “Sorry.”
(cue Idol transition music.)
[Mel Allen] : “How aaah-bout that?!?!”
[Ryan] : “Randy…”
[Randy] :
(smiles longingly at Ryan) : “Ryan…”[Ryan] : “Otto Niner. He does have speed. He’s always right there. The question that most have – can he go this far?”
[Randy] : “You know what? This horse is a perfect example of why it is so hard to win the whole thing; every time you turn around, the competition just gets deeper and deeper… I got mad good love for Otto Niner, dog, beware the Otto!”
(Randy laughs sheepishly acknowledging this latest stupidity; audience follows suit.)
[Ryan] : “But can he go this far? Is it just going to be too tough for him against these horses?”
[Randy] : “Look… I think he can go this far and the thing that I… Love is that he can go to the front. He can, like, wait patiently and try to run them down. He has that versatility – he acts like he’ll do anything and put his heart into it… So yeah, dog, I think he can go this far.”
(audience begins to applaud gleefully.)
[Ryan] : “Simon, is Randy painting an overly rosey picture?”
[Simon] : “Actually, Ryan… I’m going to… agree… with…”
[Ryan] : “There’s only one person left to agree with.”
[Simon] : “…Randy!”
(the stunned audience goes absolutely insane, tipping over police cars, lighting themselves on fire.)
(police arrive, reposition cars upright, alert fire department. Fire department arrives, extinguishes fires.)
[Ryan] : “Simon, I have a surprise for you.”
(Simon folds arms in front of his chest, grins suspiciously)
(Paula trots in from off-stage, throwing herself into Simon’s arms , theme from “The Bodyguard” plays.)
(audience goes absolutely insane, tipping over police cars, lighting themselves on fire.)
[Randy] : “Yo! This place is HOT!”
(Ryan and Randy perform the secret handshake as Paula sits. Audience mostly dead, jailed.)
[Paula]
: “I know that… my… medical concerns are of… concern, but I’ll just keep… fighting, for you, the fans.”(Paula stands, smiles, waves. One audience member pleas with Paula to stop the burning.)
[Ryan] : “Paula, we know that you risked your own health; perhaps, even, I shudder to say, your life, to be here for the last horse, the ten horse. Why?”
[Paula] : “Because… Taharka is a special horse… for me… I was in Kansas on February 23 and saw… Taharka… win the stakes race. I was visiting… Kansas… to help the people that had… been… affected by the hurricane that little… Dorothy had… told me in her letter. Her dog Toto… and her aunt had… been… uprooted and…”
(Paula loses consciousness again. Audience screams its approval.)
[Randy] : “I like that this horse has been, you know, strategically… You like that word, Simon… strategically?”
(chuckles proudly.)[Simon] : “Coming from you, I like anything composed of two or more syllables. It’s refreshing.”
[Randy] : “Yeeeeaaaahhhh Dog!!! That’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout!!!”
(I know you already guessed the audience woofed, but I still have to do my job.)
[Randy] : “Like a great General or a Commandant or something, this guy finds all the right moves for the horse. He goes a little farther, tries a little tougher, but it’s all done so… strategically… Yeeeaahhhh, strategically! He gets the right trip! He’s ready for the distance! He’s ready for these horses in this race!!! Yeaaahhhh!! He’s the man!! Booo-yeeaahhhh, boyyy!”
(audience yawns.)
[Simon] : “Well Randy… I mean, yes, he’s a nice horse, and yes, it is a good, well-thought out campaign. But, we’re not talking about a mastermind like the great Lieutenant John ‘Hannibal’ Smith or anything. That would be an outrageous analogy…”
(here we go again.)
[Simon] : “It’s like… a pudding pop… it’s much easier to just choose to be a flavor and maybe just pudding. But it takes a lot more to be pudding and pick a flavor and then have to also be a pop. You see what I’m saying?”
[Hank Goldberg] : “I actually have no idea what you are talking about… murmur… murmur… but, I do like a… ummm… horse in here…turn the page here… just a second…”
(remaining, uncharred, undetained audience, eleven horse racing fans, go wild with appreciation, tipping over police cars, lighting Ryan, Randy, Simon…)