Donny B.’s First Annual SIM Turkey Awards!!!

Gobble gobble!

Break out the Cranberry Sauce for a Special Thanksgiving Treat!

It’s that time of year in North America where families get together (whether they like it or not), share funny stories that seem to evolve from year to year, and avoid mention of various relatives’ follicle migration (receding for some, popping up in unwanted places for others). After a lopsided football match, they’ll gather around a makeshift mega-table (milk crates, TV-trays, furniture boxes and overturned laundry baskets) constructed seemingly out of Norman Rockwell’s worst nightmare, to carve into a slow-roasted, pleasantly plumpened, mostly-flightless and prayerfully juicy pheasant.

Some of you will inevitably sneak away to check on your SIM entries (don’t spill gravy on the keyboard!) and enter jockey instructions for those virtual pinheads we all know and love. Others of you, especially those in the UK and Oceana, just won’t care (what is it, 36º C in Melbourne?) And yet another faction will refuse all mention of the T-word and instead partake of a Tour-de-Drive-Thru restaurants a la George Foreman, before he had the nifty namesake Grill and five equally nifty and namesake children. Don’t believe me?

So in order to better connect with those in the SIM community who do not partake of our intriguing holiday, or perhaps might order a Veggie Lovers’ pizza on that special day, I’ve decided to bring all the Turkey goodness to you by initiating

Donny B.’s First Annual SIM Turkey Awards!!!

First off, let me be forthcoming: the opinions expressed here are solely my own, and cannot be attributed to SimulatedSports.com, Mike Wallace, or any mentally stable person. Secondly, all information relayed here is to be used for ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. Lastly, anyone who contests the absolute factual content of the lessons being propagated here should write their own holiday BTB article as a rebuttal. I came up with the idea first, so live with it!

The first of the frozen, de-feathered fowls goes to ARTIE SCHILLER in the “Most Disappointing First-Year Sire” category. We had big hopes for this guy, what with his impeccable race record, the depth of SIM turf racing and a pedigree full of successful SIM sires: El Prado(IRE), seed of Sadler’s Wells thus bearing the immortal Northern Dancer Y-chromosome…along with Majestic Light (he’s no slouch…tail-male to Raise A Native). And right on cue, credit high-rollers and BP scrounging grinders rushed to the breeding shed to pump out 63 little Artie’s that have raced to date…with DamSires such as Storm Cat, Gone West, Fusaichi Pegasus, Dixieland Band, Kingmambo, etc.

And those are only some of the foals that are unplaced!

Yes, Artie had a party (quite a few of them) and apparently, no talent came. Yes, the GR Simsters ‘house horse’ Arcangelo looks like a good one, but even the modest Aussie stallion BLACKFRIARS (who?) has as many Graded Stakes Winners, and better percentages than A.S. Sixteen of those 63 blue-blooded foals have made it to the winners’ circle so far, for a paltry 25.4% winning clip. His ‘silver bullet’ GSW, along with listed stakes horse Artie’s Prospect, affords him a measly 3.2% stakes winners to foals ratio. Fellow frosh sire PRAYING FOR CASH (by that not so classic sire-of-sires SONGANDAPRAYER), for about one kajillionth of the ticker price, is yielding better results.

Only one of these pampered beasts have ventured into claiming company so far, and he was nosed out for 2^nd by a horse sporting a pedigree that looks more like someone crossed the “Bargain Sires” with “The Skidz” list.

So much for “Breed the best to the best, and hope for the best.” Better hope for a miracle maturation instead!

Gobbler-on-a-stick #2 goes to second year “sire” (if you can call him that) LEROIDESANIMAUX. Now it may not have been a stretch to think that a son of CANDY STRIPES and an AHOONORA mare might not be any great shakes as a SIM stallion, but last year 61 little Leroi’s were born, 40 of ‘em got their pictures taken, and NONE of them took home any hardware to date. That’s a big goose egg in the stakes column. Willing to wait a while, are you? He’s added a whopping five 2 year old winners this year, and the 3 yr olds look like they’ve peaked already (which is to say, more of a flatline). Not exactly the ‘stuff’ of champions coming out of this one-time turf terror. The dud-ish stud’s name translates to “King of the Animals”, but it appears he is no Lion when it comes to the boudoir.

Fake humans are worthy of recognition too, and my hands-down choice for Turkey Number Trey is that world-famous jockey from the Dubai circuit named K. Ledwith. Now I know there may be a real “K. Ledwith”, and the trainer known as Ledwith seems like an otherwise swell guy, but this simulated version with the 30.4% wins per mounts (that’s REAL good, peoples) seems to be a bit shady.

Must have been so dark in the shade on Breeders Bowl day, ‘cause this do-no-wrong jock took a nap on the usually unflappable Ermington Pegusus (no, that’s not a typo….yes, he’s Superman) and finished a well beaten 7th. Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. The horse hits the board in every start near the distance since the Florida Derby 18 starts back, and we’re to believe he’s on the up-and-up while 13 lengths back at the top of the stretch. What is this, DIY Silky Sullivan Day? I’ve got my own bone to pick with “the lazy genius” over his ride on my colt Liverspeights.

As you can see, he was so exhausted from his 28 length defeat at 9/2 odds that he was able to run back in 4 weeks no worse for wear. What, is there a snack bar at the 3/8 pole that I don’t know about? Is this the Randy Moss (Oakland Raiders – “I take plays off” version) of the jockey pool? The next time I use this guy, it’s going to be as an anchor while boating on Lake Michigan. Guaranteed to hold you in place.

What would an awards presentation in a horseracing game be without some awards for horses? That’s a rhetorical question…I can see your lips moving anyway…nevermind.

Empiricidal has a blue-blooded pedigree, but the only thing he blew away on the track was thousand’s of dollars of uncashed mutuel tickets. He’s by EMPIRE MAKER x DANZIG x SEEKING THE GOLD, which is probably why he went off at 3/5 in a Maiden race even after getting drilled like enamel in his debut. The toof hurth sometimes. He was an unlucky loser by a head…to a horse who went on to lose an allowance race – Alw*15. Honestly, I did not know a horse could be valued so low. I have CPU pants that are worth more than *15, and I’ll probably need them since I’ve soiled a goodly pair watching this turkey “perform”. The only Empire this guy is lethal to is the one inside my head.

Off The Turf gets a Turkey because he actually accomplished something, in that he has a record that will surely never be broken. Tied maybe. What can you say about his race, other than he “didn’t show up that day”? I think it’s safe to say this one will move up on a dirt track. Holy frijoles, I certainly hope so…ya can’t go any slower than stop, my old man used to say.

Not really, but he should have. Also, there is “reverse”….nevermind.

Last and definitely least, we have to award the Tofurcken (that’s a tofu Turducken, not a Swedish breathing exercise) to a living, breathing trainer. No greater honor has been bestowed…in the SIM…bearing the name of a tasty animal. With stuffing (some people call it Dressing, and they would be heretics.) Rumor has it that a Chat Room exchange about the prospects of the fabulous Solar Song winning an unprecedented three straight Breeder’s Bowl Classics. The trainer-in-question hastily remarked that what with the aging factor, wear and tear, super-duper retired mare breeding, and intense competition, there was NO WAY a 6yo homebred was going to win three Big Ones in a row. So confident was he, it was declared that despite Squirrel’s skill and Solar’s strength, something would have to go wrong with the SIM for the three-peat to take place. And that trainer would voluntarily retire from the SIM.

He should have looked at the PP’s and realized that Solar Song (with a little help from larcenous K. Ledwith?) took down his 2nd BBC in his 39th start…has over $13 mil in the bank…and has a lifetime best speed figure that looks like a jockey’s weight in pounds (as opposed to the jockey’s IQ numbers his horses usually run). Squirrel has promised a cautious campaign, designed to give him one finely-tuned chance at infamy…

Gulp.

And the award goes to…