Bigger Secrets of the Big Stables
We’ve just been treated to an in-depth series of interviews by Pazjazz, who lined up the biggest names in the SIM to find out how they manage their massive stables. Unfortunately I missed the deadline cutoff for submission because for some reason, Pazjazz didn’t seem to get any of the messages, e-mails, faxes, and collect phone calls I made trying to reach him. It’s quite possible that what information I have for you was too good to be disseminated to the general public, and Pazjazz thought he could keep it for himself. So for your benefit, I’ve decided to publish it (Indymedia style) and let YOU be the judge!
Mr. Jazz had asked the other stables to answer a volley of questions, which were really complicated and confusing because I wasn’t familiar with some of the terminology (winning? strategy? Stakes winners?) but I’ll do my best to let you know how one of the big dogs in the SIM gets it done. Yes, I’m talking about Ulee Kunkel, my Pomeranian / Mastiff cross who is the official mascot and shedrow foreman for Dingleberry Farms. He declined comment for this article (he is publicity-shy / doesn’t type well) but enjoys bone-shaped soy products and head scratches.
So it all started for me back in 1984 when yours truly and 7 other players signed up to play the first incarnation of Mike’s wonderful game. Of course, this was before the brilliant idea to put digitized horses in computers was conjured up, and Al Gore had not yet invented the Internet. Mike issued each of us a bag of multi-colored glass marbles that we raced with the help of Gravity every Saturday afternoon. Ah, childhood. (This may possibly be a commingled murky recollection of my youth, since my long-term memory is a little spotty since that 1994 epoxy-in-the-bag “accident”.)
Some would say I am small potatoes, especially for an old-timer, because there are only 8 stables listed in my empire. But that’s not counting the one hidden stable (just to annoy Fabman) and the other 27 “I / I” stables (Invisible or Imaginary). My imaginary stables are awesome…I just choose not to list their accomplishments in the signature of my message board missives like many trainers do. Oh Lord, it’s hard to be humble…
I have never been much of a ‘tools’ guy as I prefer to let the accolades come au natural…I don’t want to have my record tarnished by accusations that I used some Super Software to juice my horses or find the secret code that prevents other trainers from noticing that there’s a 4 horse field in a Grade II stake with 3 Clydesdales in it. My most valuable tool is the special liniments of Lagers and Ales I use to alleviate the stinging agony of defeat on Saturday mornings at 11am (that’s Chicago time), and the ball-point click pen that doubles as a SIM – crop which I use to encourage my horses home in the last ¼ mile or so. I will never again use Bic brand pens after an incident at the France racetrack in 2005 where I lost my grip on the slimy thing at the eighth pole, and of course my steed lost the photo by a nose.
I am usually reluctant to give out trade secrets to anybody in the SIM, as experience and success such as mine has come at a heavy price and is generally considered as priceless. In lieu of full disclosure, I will walk through my week to give a sense of the routine I employ, and hopefully this will serve as a primer or inspiration to new players, or older players who want to be a stud like me. I am advertising my fee as $2,500 live foal, but that is negotiable depending upon the quality of the mare.
The SIM week for me begins on Saturday evening when the Claims list goes up. I am usually sobered up by then after 4 hours of whining about my horrible losses and the accompanying beers that make it slightly more tolerable. I scan through the list to see which of my former 5000 claimers will become Graded Stakes Winners for someone else in six months, and reminisce about others I put in the auction who have gone on to wonderful careers for people who obviously are extremely lucky and did not improve on my horses because of their “skill” or my “lack of training ability”. It’s all about luck in this game; don’t kid yourself with all that other nonsense!
Sometime on Sunday I look at the entries for the week, but not before assessing each and every runner still remaining in my stables. Attention to detail is the hallmark of a champion, so I look at all of the statistics and try to find some kind of representative pattern, symbolism, or cosmic coincidence that might tip me on the horse’s future. I truly believe that everything in the SIM happens for a reason, so if a horse runs 4th then 6th then 8th you can be sure Mike is guiding his path for a 10th place finish soon. I breed over this horse immediately or enter him into one of those tougher stakes races where there might only be 7 or 8 entrants. The same works in reverse…you don’t want to waste a winning effort in a race where you’re only going to get a few dollars on your bets. It may take awhile, but I plan on building a nest egg of $100,000 in each of my stables in case I find that special horse in the auction.
On Tuesday all my horses rest, which is to say that they are not trained for any certain week. One of the big secrets of the SIM is how the horses actually stay fit between today and the week you are pointing for, so to prevent injury I change my riding options on all my horses to “just a work” and the maximum week value possible. On Wednesday morning I switch them back to the target week they will race, unless it is the current week. Those horses are set to .98 and train for next week, which is to get them thinking they are not racing this week. On Thursday they are set to “all out” for a SIMulated breeze, and then Friday switched back to resting mode for the big day on Saturday. I know it sounds complicated but this is the price we pay for being the best of the best. Some people say “there is no one way to play this game” but obviously there is only one “right” way. And now you know it.
On Friday morning I select all my jockeys. Usually it doesn’t pay off to do this any earlier since you have no control over which jockey will ride your horse, and even sometimes the agents overrule what you’ve agreed upon beforehand. This leaves ample time for the actual jockey instructions, which I put in sometime on Saturday right before watching the races. I don’t like to fill my riders’ heads with too much info so far in advance of the race – think of it as whispering some advice into their ears as they step onto the racetrack 10 minutes to post time.
Lots of people have mentioned that breeding is their favorite activity, and I have to say that I really enjoy it, too. As I’ve gotten older, it seems like I don’t feel the need to breed as frequently as I did as a teenager, but when I do, I know EXACTLY what I want and who I will utilize. Sometimes I will even do it by myself.
Breeding horses in the SIM is really enjoyable also. I find that one of the most important criteria that are overlooked in picking sires is fertility. Often these older sires (in real life) are less than potent, and will cover a slew of mares to get only a few in foal. Then there are the Lures and Cigars of the world, who just fire blanks and are promptly removed from service. I spend 3-5 hours a week researching live foal to cover ratios, trying to maximize the chance of a successful SIM mating. Although I have not bred many stakes winners, I am extremely proud of the fact that my attempted breedings-to-foals received success rate is almost 100%. Time well spent, if you ask me.
It is also very important to pick a good name for your new racing babies, as this totally has an effect on their talent level. Horses with stupid names or misspelled words will not be as attractive to the CPU oddsmaker, making your horse a perennial longshot and decreasing your chances of winning. The SIM also has favorite words which I feel are ‘blessed’, such as “THAT” and “LT.” and sometimes golf terminology. I hate golf but sometimes you make sacrifices in order to protect the ones you love – or get a better horse.
The last thing I do that sets me apart from the lower echelons is my weekly rankings, similar to what Mike & Larry do with their Top Ten list. I feel it is important to take inventory of your stock and assess the pecking order so the horses know who to take cues from. The easiest way to do this, I have found, is to make a miniature likeness of the horse so that they are easily manipulated and can be placed into a pecking order on my living room floor. I used to make them out of papier mache and handpaint them, using the physical characteristics of the sire, dam-sire, and dam’s dam sire as a sort of blueprint, but this got to be a bit time consuming. Now I just use a 4 x 6 index card and cut them into the shape of a thoroughbred. Lately I have experimented with stabling unproven maidens next to some experienced, multiple winners to try to get some of that “heart” to rub off on them – kind of a mentoring program. If this doesn’t work I try all possible arrangements of the horses based on race record, pedigree, and word association. A little known fact about Mike is that he is an actuary and a Feng-Shui enthusiast, so I am sure that having your numbers aligned esthetically will improve performance and overall happiness and good luck.
I hope that I haven’t ruined the game for good by ‘spilling the beans’ but I have withheld a few key components of my formula so that not everyone’s stables will end up stacked like mine. Obviously the forthcoming rewrite will affect this a bit, but I promise to write in again with a few tips once I’ve figured it all out. It has been an immense pleasure writing this article – and if any of you see or hear from Pazjazz, please let him know that I need the vases from the flower delivery so that I can get my deposit back, and yes, I will be adhering to the tenets of the court-issued restraining order.