The Claiming Crown
Once upon a time, there was a Starter Allowance race. But this wasn’t just a typical Starter Allowance race, it was also a Stakes Race. And since this race was the Stakesiest of all the Starter Allowance races that day, it was called “The Crown.” Some call it the Stakesiest, but those people have been ostracized and are no longer allowed near sharp objects.
The Stakesiest race this year (and all the other Stakesy Starter Allowance races) was being run in Arizona. In July. At noon. Hydration will be important for everyone today, and we know what that means, don’t we boys and girls? Someone is going to drink too much beer… cough…Roys… Cough… thinking that it counts as a liquid, and end up sick behind the port-a-potties again. *We* know that beer isn’t a liquid, don’t we? Of course we do. It’s pleasure.
Well this, the Stakesiest of all the Stakesy Starter Allowance races is a mile and an eighth on the dirt course. That’s nine furlongs for those of you with an abacus at home and are paying attention. I’d tell you what it is in meters, but we all know the metric system is dumb and should just make those sillies that use things like meters and grams figure things out our way, don’t we boys and girls. The dirt is fast today, of course, since we’re in 118 degree weather without a cloud in sight for the next three months. Again, the Celsius folks are just going to have to be on their own, because our way is the *right* way. The other way is goofy and silly and confusing with all those foreign sounding words like kilo and centi and Lenni. I once tried to measure a Lennimeter, but it broke my protractor and called me fat. I hate the metric system. And you should too.
Since this is a special race, all the best former claimers in the land will gather together and race in it to determine who is the best. Well, somebody should have told Mattygask, Greenappl8, Lukita2, and Peacefam5 this was a special race. If this story had bears, the bears would be eating good today, because the horses that these fine folks train couldn’t outrun a hibernating bear, let alone the rest of the field. Fortunately, this story doesn’t have hungry bears that will eat you if you’re bad, which is good news for Slipperfits (pp1, 53-1), Spirit Grinder (pp2, 67-1), River Dragon (pp8, 47-1), and First Listing (pp12, 76-1). They won’t have to be chased by anything. Instead, most likely, they’ll be chasing the other horses in the race. Far, far behind them. Back where it’s safe, where there are no bears.
The rest of the horses in this story will be running up front like bears really ARE chasing them, except it won’t be bears, it will just be four slow horses who are looking for a plow or a fence or something to lean on. The number three horse is named Nasty Intention, which is a mean name for a horse, and his intention will be to run as fast as he can and make sure that nobody else can catch him. His odds are 11-1 and that means if you bet two dollars, you’ll get back most likely nothing because he’s kind of old and he’s ok but probably not good enough to beat these. Trainer Pantigana does like his chances, and that’s saying something because Pantigana has quite a few stables that have about a billion races each and experience counts according to my old experience counter.
Sharp breaks from post position four and he’s a meanie because he likes to play make believe with all the slow horses and pretend that he’s slow, but then when they get to the stretch he laughs at them all and runs away from them. He’s a dirty rotten faker, but he might win the race, so trainer Matt2912 is going to have some explaining to do to his mother when he comes home with a trophy and has to tell the story about his fakey horse.
El Senor Ted esta el numero cinco. And that’s enough of that Spanish! We’re in Arizona, not New Mexico! Mr. Ted would be the hero of this story if this story were about a Stakesy Claiming race going seven furlongs on the grass, but that’s not what the story is about at all! Who is this Aurora guy and why is he in our story with this grass horse? At 11-1, you’ll get rich if you bet a lot of money on him and he wins, but most likely you’ll just end up poor and back home with the bears.
Stormaway is the horse in post position six, and he’s very consistent. And you know what consistency gets you? Me either. We should try it some day! Unfortunately, Stormaway has been very consistent running a mile or a mile and a sixteenth. Do you remember how long this story is? That’s right. Longer than a mile and a sixteenth. Good job boys and girls! And what happened the last time Stormaway ran longer than a mile and a sixteenth? That’s right, he didn’t do as good as he consistently does all the other times! Another lesson! Our friend Fabman could tell trainer Salis2912 this, too: Change is BAD. And 4-1 at a distance that doesn’t seem to fit? That’s BADDER.
Bahzzene is trained by Quitter. That’s a silly name for a person. But Bahzzene actually might win the race, and if he does, you should go home and tell you parents, “Mommy and daddy, I saw a Quitter win the stakesiest of all the starter allowances and I want to be just like him! I’m going to be a quitter too!” Make sure you hide all your money you made betting on Bahzzene at 5-1 or daddy might go get drunk behind the port-a-potties with Roys.
Blackswan4 paid $25,000 just two weeks ago to buy Charlie N Burst (pp8 8-1)to have a chance to be in this wonderful story! Blackswan4 is silly. Actually, not THAT silly. CNB (that’s what people who don’t want to type all those letters call him) actually might win this race. He’s won at this distance, he’s on a two race winning streak, and black swans are known for their ability to fight off fierce angry bears.
Trotter200 (not to be confused with Trotter2000 which helps give you BMs in case you ate too much cheese or something) paid $5,000 a month ago for Albertine, and imagine his surprise when Albertine (pp10, 13-1) was fast! It’s too bad this isn’t a Stakesy non winners of three lifetime starter allowance race, but I don’t think they make those.
Dolphin Dance might just make this a happy story for e2912. As a matter of fact, this story really is all about this 2912 fellow. He’s kind of all over the exacta, ain’t he. Just ran well at this distance, he’s by El Prado and hasn’t even tried longer yet, golly, this is probably going to be a very happy story for Mr. 2912!
Reigning Fire (pp13, 8-1) is trained by Blackswan8, so it looks like we’re set in our defense against bears! In a strange little twist, this story might be too SHORT for this fellow. But that’s ok, because I think our friend Black Swan is going to do alright for himself with Reigning Fire, even if he might not have quite enough speed to win at this distance.
And finally, our story comes to a close, as we look at Sandown’s Majestic Prospect (pp14, 13-1). He’s probably going to try to fake being slow like some other horses and then pretend to be fast, but he’s just not that fast and will most likely end up staying in his pretending to be slow. If you know what I mean.
And that’s The Crown, the Stakesiest of all Starter Allowances! The moral of the story is, if you aren’t a fierce bear-fighting swan or don’t have the number 2912 in your name, you probably should have found an easier story! Those guys are tough!
The End.