What’s in a name?

What’s in a name? EVERYTHING!

Disclaimer: The following article contains potentially harmful substances, including but not limited to items such as sarcasm, irony, subterfuge, pseudo-intellectualism, crudeness, false arrogance, pretentiousness, and questionable ideas presented as fact. Any successful attempts at humor are purely coincidental. Parental Guidance Suggested. Check your sensibilities at the door.

So it’s Bluegrass Derby time again. Break out the beads, the binocular-shaped-flasks filled with 20/20, and the infield patrons’ Call to Post (WOOOOOOOOOO!). No, that IS their call to post, as in “Ah just saw Lenny an’ Given and they chugged an Amstel Laht with me WOOOOOOOO!”. Can you feel the excitement? We’ll, maybe what you’re feeling is what we in the medical arts call “dried emesis”, but no matter, get yer drink on and head to Kentucky ‘cause we’ve got quite the spectacle for you. And rumor has it, there’s even some horse racing involved somewhere in this convergence of humanity’s finest. WOOOOOOOOO!

Well shucks, the actual race itself has been analyzed to death, what with your speed figures and your track biases, pace handicapping, the Kingab Sheets and the Knightmare Biometric Analysis (I hear Knightmare can analyze individual strands of DNA and tell you if your horse can win an Allowance N2X or not)…there’s nothing more I could say to help the serious handicapper pick a winner in the big race.

But let’s not kid ourselves.

On Derby Day, the racetrack is teeming with what I like to call “Neophyte One-Timers”. Serious horseplayers may refer to them as “Boozed-up Suckers with Dumb Money”. You know the type. They come to the racetrack once or twice a year (maybe on Breeder’s Bowl day, or whenever General Manager Mia Wallace has one of those tacky “Little Brother Giveaway” promotions). They drink copious amounts of “beverages” better used as hair-growth tonics or industrial solvents. Have you ever tried a Mint Julep? It tastes something like what you’d imagine Gin would be like if it were made from Magoo2912’s sweat socks after being imbibed, filtered, and excreted by one of those omnivorous backside goats. And NOT in a good way. Once fully toasty, they move in amorphous blobs of people-flesh with smaller mini-dupes following their every move or dragging them in random directions (Children? At the racetrack? Who will teach them all to smoke $3 cigars, curse like a Vice-President, and clear their throats like a Tuvan folk singer?). They get in line 5 minutes before post time, and try to place bets on horses either using some cutesy birthday sequence, the best-dressed jockey, or “the pretty grey one”. Seriously, they should just print in the program in Arial Black font “THIS IS THE PRETTY GREY HORSE. BET ON THIS HORSE, BUY A $7 HOT DOG AND SIT YOUR SATURN-OUTLOOK DRIVING, SIPPY-CUP TOTING, NO-CLUED DUMB- DOWN!”

(note to self: I hope to heaven that Mike doesn’t have a Saturn Outlook)

So what does this have to do with the fact that Tbgifted was banned from the racing office for trying to use Kaif as steelhead bait? Nothing… but the real handicappers are licking their chops at the advent of all that dumb money in the mutuel pools. And when it comes to overstuffed, 20-horse fields like the Bluegrass Derby, exactly what are the most important criteria for our Suburban Sportsman’s $2 Win wager? Why, it’s the name of the horse, of course. You know the type. All us “serious” people can study silly things like “numbers” and “sadistics”, but a REAL horse gambler person KNOWS that what is really important is having a cool sounding name. And some Lady Luck. Maybe a good number on the little blanket thingy the jockey sits on when they go around the track. But trust me, it’s mostly the name.

So of course I felt it my civic duty, as the SIM’s resident expert on stupid human behavior (observed or experienced), to give you the reader what you want (what you really really want) – a detailed analysis of BLUEGRASS DERBY HORSE NAMES.
We can’t all be Pazjazz or Trotter, now, can we? (LordPye’s identity-crisis escapades notwithstanding.)

#1 is INSKY WINSKY SPIDA. If you’re a serious punter planning on making a score on this horse, forget it. Every diaper-toting Oprah-lover in the crowd is gonna have little Timmy’s orthodontia fund money on this horse because they all singularly (but exclusively) identify with Mr. Insky. “Ah LUV that name! I sayng that sahwng to my kids all the tahm!”. You’ll 5/2 if you’re lucky, and that’s without actually looking at the horse’s record. He also loses points for creative spelling. “Itsy Bitsy” is annoying enough, when you think about it, so just making stuff up adds insult to industry. Yeah, yeah, “Stravinsky”, I get it, but Joe AmericanIdolWatcher won’t. I hate this horse.

#2 is the lovely and succinct MR.EKO. It’s kinda cool that there’s no space between the “Mister” and the “Echo”. But did somebody tell the breeder that you don’t get a breeding discount for being stingy with the letters? (Knightmare, back me up here?) You just know you’re gonna hear somebody say “ I like that #2 horse, MREKO”. Mreko sounds the first name of a Serbian politician, or one of the preliminary games to the Showcase Showdown on the Eastern European version of The Price Is Right. Plus you have to deal with 7 year olds (and scatological 35 year old BTB writers) incessantly giggling about “betting on number two”. I hate this horse.

#3 goes by the name of GAHDAMJO. OK, I admit, I don’t hate this name. But nobody is going to figure it out, and that will drive me crazy…I mean..there was a whole thread on the Racing Forum about it (not that any of you trolls ever post anything there…yeah, I’m talking to you). Little Susie Pigtails is going to ask Mom for the leftover March of Dimes money (also known as Emergency Quarters) to place a bet on GAHDAMJO, who she thinks is a character from Harry Potter: Curse of the Sweaty Pereneum, or possibly the title of an unreleased episode of Yu-Gi-Oh. I hate Yu-Gi-Oh.

#4 ATAUN keeps it short and sweet. But it lends itself to the easy pun, like “I like this horse ATAUN” or “I am gonna win ATAUN of money” and more likely “Handicapping this horse is just like my wife, they both weigh ATAUN”. And everybody knows that wife jokes are all the rage. Yes, honey? No, I haven’t seen your Suzanne Sommers’ Stomach Stapler today…(I hate this horse).

#5 is AWESOME FORCE. Good luck! Every 13 year old in the world would hammer this guy at the windows only slightly less than a horse named TOTALLY RADICAL DUDE. And let’s not forget the latent Star Wars geek in all of society. You’d be surprised how many kids named Obi-Wan and Luke are out there. Just ask the track historian, Chewbacca Balata. Personally, when I think of AWESOME FORCE, I am reminded of the powerful natural phenomena that are unleashed after a visit to that natural wonder of the world, Taco Bell. I hate this horse, but not as much as the guy who skimps on the Fire sauce at Taco Bell.

#6 TAXI DRIVER is a hard name to knock. I mean, who’d have the courage? Are you talkin’ ta me? Right? But in today’s world, TAXI DRIVER has an entirely different connotation. It’s not cool anymore. Every wood-paneled Brady Bunch-mobile and Swedish import Latte-driven automobile has a “Mom’s Taxi” bumper sticker or window sign conspicuously placed so that the driver is unable to notice you being cut off in the mirror’s blind spot (as well as obscuring the resultant upraised finger). And they ALL think it’s HILARIOUS. Oh no you don’t. I hate this horse.

#7 MORPH THE CAT is my choice for the underlay of the day. The horse may be the second coming of I SEEK U, or one of the Washington General-esque opponents sent out to take on DICE DANCER, but it wouldn’t matter one bit, ‘casue every kid breeder has a cat or two and they all have a name that can be morphed into something sounding vaguely like MORPH. “Awuhr cat’s name is MIFFY!” “MUFFY!” “MORT!” “MAVRICK”! You can’t escape them. This horse will generate a negative show pool, and that’s a pile too deep for even IRISHARSE to navigate. I hate this horse, too.

#8 ACHAEMENES. Yeah OK. I looked this one up and it is a rare form of a contagious disease spread by the spores of a fungus that grows only in the Eustachian tubes of prairie dogs. Which is…pretty weird. Most people are going to mispronounce or misinterpret this thing to fit their preconceived notions, like a delicious pastry they ate at Zorba’s Athenarium or maybe something they saw while watching the History channel and eating “oysters”. I hate this horse…and now I’ve lost my appetite, too.

#9 CREEPY MESA. I kind of like this name! That doesn’t help if I want to bet it though, since it is an obvious pander to the Goosebumps! Crowd who loves a good scare and a laugh. You want funny / scary? Fabman, TheBigShow, and Beisbol walk into a bar. SHIVERS! Not so creepy now are ya, Creepy Mesa? I’d like this horse better maybe if he were named “INTIMIDATING TABLE”.

#10 PASSING STONE. Now this guy bucks the trend in that no self-respecting tourist in LL Bean and Reebok’s is gonna be attracted to the painful event referenced by this guy. But don’t forget about the other 94% of the racetrack population who’s entire existence often revolves around the decent towards (or avoidance of) absurd bodily dysfunctions like this one. Could be a blue-hair special, but personally I think this horse should be coupled in name-betting with (or immediately followed by) GAHDAMJO. Yes, I hate this horse.

#11 WEEHAWKEN. Hmmm. Seems pretty innocent, eh? Oh no you don’t. Didn’t you read the whole article? Didn’t you comprehend what was written in the paragraph about the phlegm-busting folk singers? No chance this guy goes off at a price. Seriously, WEEHAWKEN is just a description of what we doin’ right before we spittin’. And we do this constantly while wearing white loafers and plaid pants. Harsh, maybe, but all too true. And I still hate this horse.

#12 LEGENDARY PEGASUS sounds harmless enough, but now you’ve drawn the sci-fi fantasy / little girls with Freudian issues conglomeration. No, wait, I’m confusing Pegasus with Unicorns. Still, it reminds me of My Little Pony, and I HATED that stuff (PG version) as a kid. HATED it. They’d always interrupt my favorite cartoon or re-run of The Munsters with these ridiculously colored plastic preening horses that DIDN’T EVEN RUN or post bullet workouts or get caught 5 wide on a speed-favoring track. What good is that? I REALLY hate this horse!

#13 KING OF ALL MEDIA is an obvious Howard Stern reference, which is cool, OK, but every frat boy and Valvoline Quick-Stop attendant who ever lived is going to think this is a sign from God or Baba Booie himself to sell his Western Civilization book or pawn his Wii to bet on luck #13. Granted, that’s not a lot of money (you only get about $17.50 for a “Used” book you paid $110 for 3 weeks ago), but there’s enough of these guys around to make a dent in the mutuel payouts. Not to mention superstitions…obviously, any horse that a college kid bets on is going to make a great effort just to lose at the last moment, causing you to spiral into a life of credit card debt, binge drinking, ESPNitis and incessant quoting of the TV show “Family Guy”. And nobody wants to see that. I hate this horse.

#14 HENIANLAUNCH. I personally thought this was a hilarious name having something to do with a medieval catapult constructed for the vaulting of rear-ends (or maybe imported beers) into rival camps…like I said, hilarious. But then I actually cracked open the Black Type Bugler (sorry Roys, I’ll glue it back together) and realized that the name is an amalgam of the sires names Hennesey, Ogygian, and Relaunch. BORING! Nevertheless if an expert such as I were fooled, just think what the $5 a green-bottle brew-flavored water swilling urban professional is going to think – “I’ve got $20 that says Go Heine!”. Forget that stuff…Pabst Blue Ribbon! I like the alternate HENIANLAUNCH, this one stinks.

#15 DEGOLDENSTORM. Here’s another where I was fooled into thinking it was cooler or more nefarious than intended. Turns out it’s another name combo for Dehere and Seeking the Gold…I thought maybe it was a euphemism for some kinky endeavor possibly performed after drinking lots of Heine’s. Now THAT’S a horse I would bet on. This guy doesn’t get dollar one from me (greenback, Susan B., golden Sacajewea, or otherwise). I hate the horse but more importantly I want no part of DEGOLDENSTORM.

#16 GLOBAL AFFAIR is a name that you can’t really draw a bead on. It’s not catchy. It’s not controversial. It’s not too easy to superimpose meaningless pop-culture references on, and it doesn’t appeal to children, housewives, deadbeat dads or retirees. There’s absolutely no reason I can think of that anyone would ever bet on this horse because of his name. It’s actually…bland. Which makes it the absolute, undeniable, stone-cold, mortal lock of the day. Remember where you heard it folks, ‘cause I called it here and I don’t even know if the horse has 3 good legs or if the trainer has a clue. I love this horse! (But I hate the name…)

#17 LUCKY’S CAPITAL is a name that you could go any number of directions with…it kind of is the Tabula Rosa of horse names. You got LUCK in there, which every $2 straight trifecta betting moron in the house thinks is his ticket to the good life…CAPITAL which could mean the county seat or the wad of cash that everyone thinks they’re entitled to. And since everyone always thinks they’re going to win, this horse is guaranteed to lose. But he’ll still be 3/5 come Middle Jewel Stakes time. I hate this horse.

#18 SCHOOLFOHARDKNOCKS is just too darn catchy. Who doesn’t think they’ve had a rough go of it up to this point? Especially that guy who brought $120 and 17 pages of notes from his co-workers on which $2 Quinella boxes and superfecta partwheels keying that loveable 99-1 shot for 2nd and 4th only…of course he lost it quicker than a chat room conversation with bammie or 99 when the track janitor (inside information!) gave him a tip on a horse he heard about on the backside (from the track barber’s niece’s lawnmower repairman). Now he books the bets and hopes and prays that Margie Van Silverwookenbottom doesn’t get lucky on her 1-2-3-4 bet in every single race. THOSE are some hard knocks, my friend. I hate when that happens… and this horse.

#19 PSYCHOTIC GOLD deserves another WOOOOOOOOOO! because this in fact is the party people’s horse. I’ve never been to the infield, but I’d imagine that any reference to an altered state (whether self-medicated or otherwise) is a definite attraction to the patrons there who may or may nor actually SEE a horse on raceday. And like, think about it man…what if the GOLD were PSYCHOTIC? That’s totally crazy! Whoa! I hate this horse!

#20 last but not least is GRAMID. Now I don’t claim to have the first inkling as to what GRAMID is supposed to mean but it reminds me of a cutesy name for your parents’ mother. Nana, Maw-maw, Granny, Gooma and now Gramid. This horse is going to be starting 20th so by the time he sets foot on the track in a post-parade that is longer than the line for the porta-potties, all those $2 bettors will have selected some other horse with a stupid name leaving GRAMID ripe for the picking. Just as some languages read right-to-left, I suppose there are some weirdoes who read the form bottom-to-top and might take a flyer on this guy. But GRAMID is stupid name and I hate it first or last!

I hope you enjoyed my primer (and were not offended!) and have a clearer vision of how the Bluegrass Derby will play out this Saturday. You can read all those other articles, too, about the Derby Locks and the stalkers setting it up for the deep closers blah blah blah where’s my beer?

The totally out-of-context picks:

GLOBAL AFFAIR
CREEPY MESA
GAHDAMJO

I take full responsibility for everything written in this article, but none for its factual content. Happy Derby Day!