Orphan Racing presents Magoo’s Christmas Carole.

Ladies, Gentlemen and all you other people. Orphan Racing welcomes you to the race that stops the sim for 3, 4 or even 5 minutes, Magoo’s Christmas Carole. The race for the worst bred horses we can find, where the object is to not win, but run last. The winner will get a breed from a 1000 credit sire at the start of the new season. Sounds good doesn’t it? Breed a horse so bad that you can take home a Frankel, a Justify or how about a Tapit?

We are in Victoria on a fine summer’s day with a capacity crowd of 100,000 people all cramming in to get a glimpse of horses with 3 legs, 2 heads and no tails. As well as Jockey’s with no arms, in what is sure to be one of the slowest races of the year. All horses are having there 1^st start and will be out to run or should I say walk the 16 Furlongs on Turf.

No 1 Slow Pride will be ridden by J Cox and is trained by SJMEOLA is a Light Grey Colt out 2 Grade 3 winner Calculator. The Dam Sire is the Italian/American sire Isopach who himself won 6 graded races including the Group 1 Premio Emilio Turati in 1981. Coming in at DDS is Folk’s Pride a 3 time race winner. With a DI of 9 and a CD of 1.3 it looks like this boy is bred to sprint, at 15/1 the bookies think this boy is a massive chance to fall over his abnormally large head and finish at the back of the field.

No 2 Karamatics, is named after some named Karen, who can’t count. The horse has so many colours of the rainbow in it’s pedigree that it should have been bred in San Fransisco. It is to be Riden by F Moon and is trained by yours truly. This 3yo Dark Grey Filly is by R H F Harlequin a horse that some how managed to sire this horse from the grave, given he passed away in 2019. At Dam Sire is Extreme Scene, who just happens to be a half brother Of R H F Harlequin and is another horse that never raced. I have gone with Risen Star as the DDS which could be a risk given he did win the Preakness and Belmont as well as being 3^rd in te Kentucky derby, but I’m hoping that because Risen Star is also the Grandam of R H F Harlequin, making the horse have a 2×3 and 3×3 inbreeding’s, insuring the horse was born with 2 heads.

No 3 Imafooktard, is named after his trainer Johnno who is a Fook Tard (not sure how the name made it through the registry). This horse is sired by Japanese performer Sun Grass who won 6 from 59 between 2013 and 2019, he has yet to produce a winner in the sim, his Dam sire Il Villano won over half a mil, winning 5 from 18 starts, he is currently standing in Gettysberg PA for the modest fee of $1500, and rounding off the breeding is unraced colt Halitosis, Not much is known about this son of Cold Reception, other than he does have a hint of Secretariat in his pedigree. This fook tard, has a real sprint pedigree so for johnno’s sake, I Hope he gets a stitch a long way from home.

Crawf68 gives us no 4 Wet Week, un ugly looking filly is by 3-time stakes winner Trickmeister a son of bad citizen who has produced a 50% win rate in the sim for 2024, he produces horses of all types Dirt, Turf, Sprint, Route, so it will be interesting to see what he produces with 1 time winner Wolf touch, and DDS Wren Card who never made it to the races, CC Johnson is in the saddle Odds makers give her a 10/1 shot of winning the race, but I think this one may be over the odds an if I was a betting man, I would definitely have a little cash to be top 3, in this case at the wrong end, given all the trainers want to run last.

Residency Royalty Chips4u2c brings us no 5 My Wooden Spoon, a wooden spoon in Aussie talk is the prize for coming last, why would it be this name? the wooden spoon was use to smack you on the bottom as a child, back in the old days when parents used to do that sort of thing. Well this horse for Chips is by stakes winning American sire Chipshot (go figure). He has been mixed 2 time winner Bargello who was sent to Irelands lush Turf after starting his career on the Dirt in the US. Unfortunately, the last time we heard form him he was standing as a sire in Puerto Rico. From what I’m looking at in the yard this horse has been in the stables for a long time as he is fatter than an elephant on a diet of donuts. The trainer seems to think it is guaranteed to run a maximum of 20 SP.

Lindsy ‘Karen’ Park is the trainer of the Brown Filly no  The Fatter Kid, she has also been in the paddock for some time and was thought to have a bun in the oven, but no she is just a big Mama of a horse. She is by Sire Montelu, who won 264 Million Pesos in a 40 start career including 3^rd in the grade 1 Clásico J.V. Gonzalez in Argentina. At DS Karen, has used unraced Son of Kenmare in Vent De Neige, with Spirtful as DDS, he was a successful horse winning 9 of 25 including running 2^nd in the grade 1 futurity, he was last seen at stud in New Mexico. Odds makers have made this the long shot of the field at 25/1 which makes him the fav to win the biggest prize, for the notorious champion of garbage breedings.

No 7 Heinz Fiddy Eight is by the great but unlucky British sire Cable Bay, who was a grade 2 winner and ran top 3 in 8 more Graded races. But all over the sprint trips. His trainer Kiddman, decided to use the son of Storm Cat Ashkal as the Dam sire. He only ever races just once, after costing a massive $400,000 at he Keenland sale (ouch). To round out his breeding he has use sweedish horse Wind Whistle, who managed to win 4 races from 9 starts. He was last seen in Denmark of all places where he sired 11 horses of which only 3 raced for 1 win. This horse has mixed blood from all over the world, and Kiddman who named this horse after tomato sauce will see his charge run like a dead horse (slang for sauce).

Stall 8 has the even money Favorite the Corc trained Xmas Spastic, another whose name may have snuck passed the racing board. Sapz as he is affectionately know as around the stables is by Kiwi sire Saville row, who is a 3 time grade 1 winner over 8 to 10 furlongs. The Dam sire Traffic Guard earned $693,000 in 36 career starts running 2^nd in the Irish champion stakes, he ended up in stud in South Africa. At DDS is Dane Shadow, he was a group 3 winner in Australia and also competed at the top level, I’m not sure Kiddman understands that he was supposed to breed a horse so bad it will run backwards, this one is definitely going forwards, if you own a house back it to win and you will have 2 houses.

Finally rounding out the field is number 9 Megurie’s slow poke Slowness, This horse could be the one laughing out loud, with A Snappa in the saddle. Meguire has decided to go with Argentinian Superstar (sarcasm) Anjiz Lake, who did win 14 races and over 796,000 Pesos. At Dam sire we have A In Sociology who was the 1994 Champion Turf New York horse, which doesn’t bode to well for this contest. Rounding out the breeding at DDS is 2 time Kentucky bred Ahica who was a winner of 2 from his 16 starts, not much is known about him. I’m slightly concerned for this one as he looks to be too well bred to be at the back of this field.

Well that is it for this field of no hoppers, I would like to wish all of you a Merry Christmas, and a happy new year.

For those of you who are interested in joining the Orphan community, send a message to orphanracing@gmail.com Now is the time to join as we have some great contest coming up with lots of prizes and credits to be given away over the course of the year.