{"id":5950,"date":"2008-05-09T16:28:28","date_gmt":"2008-05-09T16:28:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blacktypebugler.com\/?p=5950"},"modified":"-0001-11-30T00:00:00","modified_gmt":"-0001-11-30T00:00:00","slug":"oldbtb_1","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/btb.ehorseracing.com\/?p=5950","title":{"rendered":"Fox, NBC Team Up For \u2018Idol\u2019 Judges At the Races"},"content":{"rendered":"

Denver, CO – (AP) – For Fox viewers tired of American Idol\u2019s corny, lip-synched video sequences that make those ninety-second musical montages from the old Monkee\u2019s episodes seem like the work of a visionary genius, the other \u2018stars\u2019 of the show took over for a long portion of Wednesday\u2019s result show.<\/P>

For NBC viewers tired of horse racing telecasts that relied on the comic wit, genius analytical ability, and on camera presence of Hank Goldberg for hours on end, it was a rare opportunity to be conjoined with mainstream American viewership.<\/P>

Though I\u2019m sure folks tuning in to watch the most famous horse race were truly excited to learn about the career plans of nine random trillionaire athletes that all needed\u00a0to use a \u2018street shout-out\u2019 to remember that they were going to bet on Big Brown, the horse racing fan wants to hear about Calvin Borel, not Calvin Klein.<\/P>

So, the masterminds behind creative moments of brilliance such as \u201cMy Big, Fat, Ugly Fianc\u00e9e\u201d and \u201cWings\u201d assembled the greatest combination of mismatched flavor since the guy with the jar of peanut butter ran into the dude eating the chocolate bar. <\/P>

American Idol judges Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, and yes, Simon Cowell met up with \u2018Idol\u2019 host Ryan Seacrest for an afternoon of at the races at Denver Downs, not-so-ironically located in Denver, Colorado. While the four contestants prepared for an afternoon that began with a \u2018team\u2019 rendition of the National Anthem and would be followed by five hours of clumsily choreographed videography while enjoying \u2018a day at the races\u2019, the celebrated judges used their talents to entertain fans and devout handicappers.<\/P>

Substituting for track announcer Greg \u201cBellow\u201d Wry, Ryan Seacrest hosted the track\u2019s daily handicapping show, a fifteen minute preview of the day\u2019s races featuring Wry\u2019s \u201cexpert\u201d selections. This episode, however, Wry\u2019s insight was relegated to those eager to fork over four bucks for the daily copy of \u201cBellow\u2019s Bombs: Saturday\u2019s Winners\u201d.<\/P>

Instead, the three \u2018Idol\u2019 judges sat before a live crowd outside of the paddock area composed primarily of shrilly teenagers that had never seen a horse race and carefully critiqued the merits of each entrant in Saturday\u2019s featured Wisely Without Jed Handicap. What else would a panel of the three most notorious handicappers do at the races?<\/P>

While the trio roamed off-topic from time to time during the brief appearance, the concerted effort to appeal to racing fans while remaining true to their American Idol identity was a welcome strategy for most viewers.<\/P>

\u201cI couldn\u2019t imagine why they entered one of these horses in the race when I read the form.\u201d, explained local racing fan and Denver Downs patron Billy Bones. \u201cI was hoping Simon would give them hell and he delivered.\u201d<\/P>

The following is a transcript of the televised broadcast of Denver\u2019s Nuggets, the handicapping show that preempts the live racing broadcast from Denver Downs.<\/P>

* * * * *<\/P>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cWelcome racing fans, welcome Idol fans. Welcome fans of making Simon do something that makes him look stupid.\u201d<\/P>

<\/FONT>(pause for loud, excessive cheers of support from predictable crowd.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Simon] <\/B>: \u201cRyan, why\u2026 Ryan, why are you so sure that I am not perfectly comfortable in this role as horse racing handicapper? I happen to be a huge fan of horse racing.\u201d<\/P>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cI actually believe you Simon. I mean, when you make rude comments to a horse, it can\u2019t talk back.\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(pause for delayed clapping and half-hearted laughter as audience wonders why the \u2018applause\u2019 sign is lit.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Randy] <\/B>: \u201cYeah but they kick, yo.\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(pause for delayed clapping and half-hearted laughter as audience wonders why the \u2018applause\u2019 sign is lit.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cOkay judges, or should I say, handicappers, let\u2019s look at the big race this weekend. Randy, this is a long race, a mile and five-eighths. It has been raining and the track could be muddy; did any of these things factor into your opinion of the one horse, Deputy Mon?\u201d<\/P>

[Randy] <\/B>: \u201cYou know what dog? I\u2019m not worried about the distance, this horse is in his comfort zone. The bad track? You know what? He\u2019s trying something new and that\u2019s cool with me; he seems to like the turf courses a little bit, so it\u2019s not like, you know, he needs to be on a dry, dirt track.\u201d<\/P>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cPaula, are you worried about the track condition?\u201d<\/P>

[Paula] <\/B>: \u201cI\u2019m not\u2026ummm\u2026 worried\u2026 about anything\u2026 or nor do I not\u2026 think that Deputy Mon, he can do it all when\u2026 he believes in himself and that ray of supersonic sunshine flows through his aura.\u201d<\/P>

[Simon] <\/B>: \u201cDeputy Mon, Deputy Mon. Okay. It\u2019s sort of like\u2026 going to Denny\u2019s for breakfast. I don\u2019t ask for a whole lot; most of the time you perform well enough to satisfy my needs. Sometimes the French Slam is little better than usual, sometimes a little worse. But you\u2019ll never confuse it with fine dining.\u201d<\/P>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cDid you just compare the one horse to breakfast?\u201d<\/P>

[Simon] <\/B>: \u201cNo, what I\u2019m saying is\u2026 never mind, I can\u2019t explain about a horse to a jackass.\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(audience \u2018oooooohs\u2019 believably.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cOkay, okay. Randy, what about the two, Sittinwaitinwishin?\u201d<\/P>

[Randy] <\/B>: \u201cFor me, this one just didn\u2019t do it, yo. He\u2019s got some speed, but he\u2019s not the fastest. He doesn\u2019t really finish very well. I don\u2019t know, dog, he\u2019s definitely not in form and even his best race is just\u2026 alright\u2026 you know. I don\u2019t know; Paula?\u201d<\/P>

[Paula] <\/B>: \u201cThe thing that\u2026 I love about you is\u2026 you never give up, you\u2026 stay true to who you are. Don\u2019t ever let anyone tell you that\u2026 you can\u2019t\u2026 win or that the competition is too tough. Keep fighting.\u201d<\/P>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cSo Paula, you like Sittinwaitinwishin?\u201d<\/P>

[Paula] <\/B>: \u201cRyan, I like all of the horses. To have made it\u2026 this far.. It speaks\u2026 giant strides for all the talent that you do have and the passion and\u2026 belief in yourself. I\u2019m proud of you.\u201d<\/P>

[Simon] <\/B>: \u201cHere\u2019s the bottom line. You will need an act of God himself in order for you to have the slimmest chance of even getting close in here. Sorry.\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(cue Idol \u2019transition\u2019 music)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cSo Simon\u2026\u201d<\/P>

[Simon] <\/B>: \u201cSo Ryan\u2026\u201d<\/P>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cCan I borrow twenty bucks? It sounds like Sittinwaitinwishin is a cinch.\u201d<\/P>

[Simon] <\/B>: \u201cI\u2019d say that a fool and his money are soon parted, but that would be disparaging to all the fools.\u201d<\/P>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cWell, you would know.\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(audience correctly suspects that it is time to laugh.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cOkay, on to number three, Duet, one of the favorites. Randy, he\u2019s won his last four races, why won\u2019t he win his fifth in a row?\u201d<\/P>

[Randy] <\/B>: \u201cSo check it out – week after week – time and time again, this colt is the real deal. He loves the distance, he\u2019s the fastest from the gate. He\u2019s in the zone, he\u2019s the man, dog! Yeeaaah!\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(audience begins to woof in approval upon reference to \u2018dog\u2019.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Paula] <\/B>: <\/FONT>(stands, bows<\/FONT>) \u201cI just love to see\u2026 you\u2026 that\u2019s all I have to say.\u201d<\/P>

[Simon] <\/B>: \u201cI think Randy hit it on the head. The last four or five performances you have come out here and commanded everyone\u2019s attention, proved that you belonged, and backed it up by repeating one great performance after another. I mean, you aren\u2019t doing anything spectacular, but, what you are doing is being done\u2026 spectacularly well. Nice job.\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(audience melts with Simon\u2019s words of praise, screaming orgasmically without justification.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cWell\u2026 let\u2019s move along now to another longshot, number four. He\u2019s a son of High Chaparral and he\u2019s a Capricorn – he\u2019s Super Chap.\u201d<\/P>

[Randy] <\/B>: \u201cYou know, this is a tough one for me, because, on the one hand, he looks the part. Got the nice physique, the regal stature and look, I mean, there is that star look. But when it gets right down to it, yo, it\u2019s just\u2026 okay. You know what I mean\u2026 all that glitters, it ain\u2019t always gold, dog.\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(audience senses the tone of Randy\u2019s critique despite having no idea what he said and promptly boos.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Paula] <\/B>: \u201cI know what Randy is saying because you are beautiful.\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(audience screeches femininely in concurrence with Paula.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Paula] <\/B>: \u201cI think that really\u2026 you do a very\u2026 a very fine job. It may not always be the best\u2026 job\u2026 overall, but that\u2019s not always what is important in life. Keep the faith.\u201d<\/P>

[Simon] <\/B>: \u201cAre you the best? No. Are you the worst? No. You are what you are and that\u2026 is average. Look, don\u2019t get me wrong – on any given night, you could be better than a lot of the competition or maybe all of them. But are you actually the most talented? I would say\u2026 no.\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(audience reluctantly boos.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cPaula, do you think that it\u2019s fair when Simon says that he lacks talent?\u201d<\/P>

[Simon] <\/B>: \u201cRyan\u2026 listen to what I say, would you? I never said that he lacked talent. I simply said that.. I tried to say that in order to win, the competition needs to slip to his level on any given day. He is not the most talented – that I stand by, he simply can\u2019t raise his game enough to beat better horses.\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(audience murmurs loudly, clearly indifferent to the importance of this clarification.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Paula] <\/B>: \u201cSimon\u2026 has\u2026 his opinion and he\u2019s able to.. say what he thinks. We just disagree.\u201d<\/P>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cMaybe you and Simon need to kiss and make-up.\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(audience shrieks its approval, Simon blushes, and Paula stands.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Simon] <\/B>: \u201cPauler, I miss your tender touch.\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(Paula leans towards Simon and takes a betting ticket from his shirt pocket, placing it in her brassiere.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Paula] <\/B>: \u201cHe may have to sign for this one Ryan.\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(audience gasps, Paula squints to get a better view of the teleprompter.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Paula] <\/B>: \u201cWe\u2019ll see if the urse\u2026 I mean, I. R. S. sends him a stimulus check.\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(audience whistles and cat-calls, Paula sits and sips her beverage, trying to make sense of her dialogue.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cUp next: it\u2019s the veteran, seven-year-old Geared Down, number five in the gate. Randy, he\u2019s made a lot of money, he\u2019s won a bunch of races. What does he need to do to win on Saturday?\u201d<\/P>

[Randy] <\/B>: \u201cRyan, he has run bad races before and he\u2019s come back, dug in and bounced back with big races. His last two races are so bad, yo, you have to wonder if he can possibly find that comfort zone and step it up enough to show us what he can do.\u201d<\/P>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cPaula, can he \u2019step it up\u2019 or is he, as Randy suggested, just a little past his prime?\u201d<\/P>

[Paula] <\/B>: \u201cRyan, the thing that I really love about Geared Down is he\u2026 is just\u2026 afraid to give in and say, that\u2019s it\u2026 I need to take it easy now. He just keeps coming back and for that\u2026 I am just grateful to him.\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(audience assumes that was heartfelt and worthy of respectful applause.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Simon] <\/B>: \u201cDo you remember A Nightmare on Elm Street?\u201d<\/P>

[Randy] <\/B>: \u201cYo, I loved that crazy dude\u2026 ohm, what\u2019s his name\u2026 Freddy Krueger, that dog was wild with the crazy knives on his hands and the boiler room\u2026 yeeeahhhh\u2026.\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(audience goes insane at Randy\u2019s moment of recognition, screaming and woofing like cosmetic testers.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Simon] <\/B>: \u201cWell Randy\u2026 Tell me, the first few movies were pretty good, right? And then, it got all kind of drab and boring when they started making Nightmare on Elm Street number six and eight. Sure, maybe number five is okay and number nine wasn\u2019t as bad as number seven, but at this point\u2026 does anyone really expect to see anything new that isn\u2019t going to just be at least a little below average?\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(audience looks at Randy, waiting for his reply to gauge the required reaction.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Paula] <\/B>: \u201cWait, I don\u2019t get it\u2026\u201d<\/P>

[Simon] <\/B>: \u201cI don\u2019t imagine that you would. That\u2019s why I posed the question to Randy.\u201d<\/P>

(<\/FONT>audience ooooohhhss at the controversial remark<\/FONT>.)<\/P>

[Randy] <\/B>: (<\/FONT>chuckles sheepishly<\/FONT>) \u201cYo, yo\u2026\u201d (<\/FONT>more chuckles<\/FONT>) \u201cSo.. Yo\u2026\u201d (<\/FONT>more chuckles<\/FONT>) \u201cI know what your saying about Freddy Krueger, dog, but I don\u2019t know, yo\u2026\u201d (<\/FONT>tapering chuckles<\/FONT>)<\/P>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cRemember audience members, you too can get the Simon Cowell decoder ring with just two UPC symbols\u2026\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(Ryan withdraws microphone from mouth, wiping away a laugh. Audience takes its cue; laughs.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cAnyway, back in America, we have a sixth horse in the race, Motu Ragu. Randy, some Motu Ragu for you too dude?\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(giggling from the audience is heard, prompting Randy to guffaw exactly once.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Randy] <\/B>: \u201cSo check it out\u2026 This week is going to be a big challenge for Motu Ragu. He\u2019s been playing it safe for weeks now, stayin\u2019 inside his little thing he does. So check it out, check it out\u2026 We all know this dog can run but this week, for me, I need to see him step it up and take it to the next level.\u201d<\/P>

[Paula] <\/B>: \u201cWell Randy really summed\u2026 it\u2026 up well I think. You don\u2019t need to prove to us that\u2026 you do what you do\u2026 very\u2026 well. But, at this stage of competition, you need to prove\u2026 that\u2026 you can do\u2026 that well, too.\u201d<\/P>

[Simon] <\/B>: \u201cWhat Pauler is trying to say is that\u2026\u201d<\/P>

[Paula] <\/B>: (<\/FONT>angrily<\/FONT>) \u201cDon\u2019t tell me what I\u2019m trying to say\u2026 I know\u2026\u201d<\/P>

[Simon] <\/B>: \u201cWell I\u2019m sorry Pauler, what it sounds to me like you are trying to say is that it\u2019s quite like he\u2019s a .217 hitter in triple A ball with a .301 on base percentage and an .894 fielding percentage and now at age 46 he finally gets a call to the major leagues. I doubt he makes the All-Star team, you know?\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(Simon shrugs mightily, opens eyes extremely wide)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Simon] <\/B>: \u201cSorry.\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(cue Idol transition music.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Mel Allen] <\/B>: \u201cHow aaah-bout that?!?!\u201d<\/P>

[Peter Gammons] <\/B>: \u201cDon\u2019t look at me.\u201d<\/P>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cHow many more horses are there in this race?\u201d<\/P>

[Paula] <\/B>: \u201cIt\u2019s not just about the horses in\u2026 this race, Ryan. It\u2019s\u2026 about\u2026 all the horses, everywhere.\u201d<\/P>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cRandy, whatever horse comes after Mojo Raggo or whatever the last one was, what do you think?\u201d<\/P>

[Randy] <\/B>: \u201cYo dog, the seven horse, dog, Angels Fall, you know, at first I was like, well this horse is just okay and stuff. But yo, when I seen the horses this one been runnin\u2019 with, dude, this colt could really work it out, do his thing and make it his own. You know, only three wins and not really used to running this far, but if he does like this distance\u2026 He could win\u2026the\u2026 whole\u2026 thing BABY, yeeeaahhhh, baby, that\u2019s what I\u2019m talkin\u2019 \u2018bout.\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(audience members tear off their clothing in a beast like riot of support for Randy\u2019s poetic words.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Paula] <\/B>: \u201cI thought you\u2026 ran a real good\u2026 race today. I\u2019m proud of you.\u201d (<\/FONT>smiles. Squeezes arms together in front of herself to promote cleavage growth<\/FONT>) \u201cGood job.\u201d (<\/FONT>winks<\/FONT>.)<\/P>

[Randy] <\/B>: \u201cPaula – he\u2026\u201d (<\/FONT>whispering into microphone<\/FONT>) \u201c\u2026hasn\u2019t run yet.\u201d<\/P>

[Simon] <\/B>: \u201cPauler\u2026 this is before the race.\u201d<\/P>

[Paula] <\/B>: \u201cWait\u2026 what\u2026 Oh, I read\u2026 about\u2026 it was NASCAR that he ran in\u2026 for\u2026 instead Labrador.\u201d<\/P>

[Simon] <\/B>: \u201cWhat she meant to say\u2026 and don\u2019t give me any crap about not explaining what you\u2019re trying to say if you can\u2019t even read the bloody teleprompter\u2026He\u2019s got the talent, he seems to be learning\u2026 does he have a few question marks? Absolutely. But can he win the race? Absolutely.\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(audience begins to applaud wildly with approval, but is stopped short at the sight of Paula vomiting profusely. Upon completion, Paula refuses efforts to provide first aid, declaring her commitment to her job, her friends, family, pets, and fans.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cThat\u2019s why we love you Paula and will remain part of our family, forever. Thank you.\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(Simon kisses her on her vomit encrusted left cheek and the audience begins to coo lovingly, but is stopped short at the sight of Paula falling unconscious from her seat. Unable to refuse first-aid, Paula\u2019s limp, vomit-coated body is removed from the set.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cWell Simon\u2026\u201d<\/P>

[Simon] <\/B>: \u201cYes Ryan\u2026\u201d<\/P>

[Ryan] <\/B>: <\/FONT>(smiling coyly) <\/FONT>\u201cAt least she stayed on script that time\u2026 booo yeeaahhh!!!\u201d<\/P>

[Simon] <\/B>: \u201cBingo!\u201d <\/FONT>(laughs)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Randy] <\/B>: <\/FONT>(high fives Simon, reserves secret handshake for Ryan) <\/FONT>\u201cLet\u2019s hear it mad props for the man Sea-doggy-dog!! Woof woof woof.\u201d<\/P>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cNo really, really\u2026\u201d <\/FONT>(laughing) <\/FONT>\u201cRandy\u2026 the favorite, Theatrical Prayer\u2026 what do you think, can they beat him?\u201d<\/P>

[Randy] <\/B>: \u201cWithout a doubt. Look, this is a nice colt, he\u2019s made a bunch of money and he\u2019s run big races. But, dude, he gets way far out of it and tries to catch everyone late and the vast majority of the time, he doesn\u2019t even get close to doing it. So yo, for me, he\u2019s okay, but he\u2019s not like\u2026 the bomb.. or nothing\u2019.\u201d<\/P>

[Simon] <\/B>: \u201cThe bomb? He\u2019s not even a bloody billy club. A weapon of mass destruction had better do a better job than this horse\u2019s habit of annihilating less than half of the targeted competition. I mean, please, what the hell kind of analogy is that anyway? You don\u2019t think that\u2019s going a little far Randy?\u201d<\/P>

[Randy] <\/B>: \u201cDude\u2026 what I said was that he\u2019s not the bomb\u2026dude\u2026\u201d<\/P>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cYeah, Simon, pay attention.\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(audience is thrilled with the admonishment, cheers proudly.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Simon] <\/B>: <\/FONT>(scowls.) <\/FONT>\u201cI stand corrected.\u201d <\/P><\/FONT>

(Simon shrugs mightily, opens eyes extremely wide)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Simon] <\/B>: \u201cSorry.\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(cue Idol transition music.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Mel Allen] <\/B>: \u201cHow aaah-bout that?!?!\u201d<\/P>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cRandy\u2026\u201d<\/P>

[Randy] <\/B>: <\/FONT>(smiles longingly at Ryan) <\/FONT>: \u201cRyan\u2026\u201d<\/P>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cOtto Niner. He does have speed. He\u2019s always right there. The question that most have – can he go this far?\u201d<\/P>

[Randy] <\/B>: \u201cYou know what? This horse is a perfect example of why it is so hard to win the whole thing; every time you turn around, the competition just gets deeper and deeper\u2026 I got mad good love for Otto Niner, dog, beware the Otto!\u201d <\/P><\/FONT>

(Randy laughs sheepishly acknowledging this latest stupidity; audience follows suit.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cBut can he go this far? Is it just going to be too tough for him against these horses?\u201d<\/P>

[Randy] <\/B>: \u201cLook\u2026 I think he can go this far and the thing that I\u2026 Love is that he can go to the front. He can, like, wait patiently and try to run them down. He has that versatility – he acts like he\u2019ll do anything and put his heart into it\u2026 So yeah, dog, I think he can go this far.\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(audience begins to applaud gleefully.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cSimon, is Randy painting an overly rosey picture?\u201d<\/P>

[Simon] <\/B>: \u201cActually, Ryan\u2026 I\u2019m going to\u2026 agree\u2026 with\u2026\u201d<\/P>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cThere\u2019s only one person left to agree with.\u201d<\/P>

[Simon] <\/B>: \u201c\u2026Randy!\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(the stunned audience goes absolutely insane, tipping over police cars, lighting themselves on fire.)<\/P><\/FONT><\/FONT>

(police arrive, reposition cars upright, alert fire department. Fire department arrives, extinguishes fires.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cSimon, I have a surprise for you.\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(Simon folds arms in front of his chest, grins suspiciously)<\/P><\/FONT><\/FONT>

(Paula trots in from off-stage, throwing herself into Simon\u2019s arms , theme from \u201cThe Bodyguard\u201d plays.)<\/P><\/FONT><\/FONT>

(audience goes absolutely insane, tipping over police cars, lighting themselves on fire.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Randy] <\/B>: \u201cYo! This place is HOT!\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(Ryan and Randy perform the secret handshake as Paula sits. Audience mostly dead, jailed.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Paula] <\/B>: \u201cI know that\u2026 my\u2026 medical concerns are of\u2026 concern, but I\u2019ll just keep\u2026 fighting, for you, the fans.\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(Paula stands, smiles, waves. One audience member pleas with Paula to stop the burning.) <\/P><\/FONT>

[Ryan] <\/B>: \u201cPaula, we know that you risked your own health; perhaps, even, I shudder to say, your life, to be here for the last horse, the ten horse. Why?\u201d<\/P>

[Paula] <\/B>: \u201cBecause\u2026 Taharka is a special horse\u2026 for me\u2026 I was in Kansas on February 23 and saw\u2026 Taharka\u2026 win the stakes race. I was visiting\u2026 Kansas\u2026 to help the people that had\u2026 been\u2026 affected by the hurricane that little\u2026 Dorothy had\u2026 told me in her letter. Her dog Toto\u2026 and her aunt had\u2026 been\u2026 uprooted and\u2026\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(Paula loses consciousness again. Audience screams its approval.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Randy] <\/B>: \u201cI like that this horse has been, you know, strategically\u2026 You like that word, Simon\u2026 strategically?\u201d <\/FONT>(chuckles proudly.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Simon] <\/B>: \u201cComing from you, I like anything composed of two or more syllables. It\u2019s refreshing.\u201d<\/P>

[Randy] <\/B>: \u201cYeeeeaaaahhhh Dog!!! That\u2019s what I\u2019m talkin\u2019 \u2018bout!!!\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(I know you already guessed the audience woofed, but I still have to do my job.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Randy] <\/B>: \u201cLike a great General or a Commandant or something, this guy finds all the right moves for the horse. He goes a little farther, tries a little tougher, but it\u2019s all done so\u2026 strategically\u2026 Yeeeaahhhh, strategically! He gets the right trip! He\u2019s ready for the distance! He\u2019s ready for these horses in this race!!! Yeaaahhhh!! He\u2019s the man!! Booo-yeeaahhhh, boyyy!\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(audience yawns.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Simon] <\/B>: \u201cWell Randy\u2026 I mean, yes, he\u2019s a nice horse, and yes, it is a good, well-thought out campaign. But, we\u2019re not talking about a mastermind like the great Lieutenant John \u2018Hannibal\u2019 Smith or anything. That would be an outrageous analogy\u2026\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(here we go again.)<\/P><\/FONT>

[Simon] <\/B>: \u201cIt\u2019s like\u2026 a pudding pop\u2026 it\u2019s much easier to just choose to be a flavor and maybe just pudding. But it takes a lot more to be pudding and pick a flavor and then have to also be a pop. You see what I\u2019m saying?\u201d<\/P>

[Hank Goldberg] <\/B>: \u201cI actually have no idea what you are talking about\u2026 murmur\u2026 murmur\u2026 but, I do like a\u2026 ummm\u2026 horse in here\u2026turn the page here\u2026 just a second\u2026\u201d<\/P><\/FONT>

(remaining, uncharred, undetained\u00a0audience, eleven horse racing fans,\u00a0go wild with appreciation, tipping over police cars, lighting Ryan, Randy, Simon\u2026)<\/FONT><\/P><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Archuleta Snags Record Pick Six With $2 Ticket<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":200,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"colormag_page_container_layout":"default_layout","colormag_page_sidebar_layout":"default_layout","footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5950","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-previews"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/btb.ehorseracing.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5950","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/btb.ehorseracing.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/btb.ehorseracing.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/btb.ehorseracing.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/200"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/btb.ehorseracing.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5950"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/btb.ehorseracing.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5950\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/btb.ehorseracing.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5950"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/btb.ehorseracing.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5950"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/btb.ehorseracing.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5950"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}