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\u00a0<\/P>Gobble gobble!<\/P>
Break out the Cranberry Sauce for a Special Thanksgiving Treat!<\/P>
It\u2019s that time of year in North America where families get together (whether they like it or not), share funny stories that seem to evolve from year to year, and avoid mention of various relatives\u2019 follicle migration (receding for some, popping up in unwanted places for others). After a lopsided football match, they\u2019ll gather around a makeshift mega-table (milk crates, TV-trays, furniture boxes and overturned laundry baskets) constructed seemingly out of Norman Rockwell\u2019s worst nightmare, to carve into a slow-roasted, pleasantly plumpened, mostly-flightless and prayerfully juicy pheasant.<\/P>
\u00a0<\/P>
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Some of you will inevitably sneak away to check on your SIM entries (don\u2019t spill gravy on the keyboard!) and enter jockey instructions for those virtual pinheads we all know and love. Others of you, especially those in the UK and Oceana, just won\u2019t care (what is it, 36\u00ba C in Melbourne?) And yet another faction will refuse all mention of the T-word and instead partake of a Tour-de-Drive-Thru restaurants a la George Foreman, before he had the nifty namesake Grill and five equally nifty and namesake children. Don\u2019t believe me? <\/P>http:\/\/www.answers.com\/topic\/george-foreman<\/B><\/A> So in order to better connect with those in the SIM community who do not partake of our intriguing holiday, or perhaps might order a Veggie Lovers\u2019 pizza on that special day, I\u2019ve decided to bring all the Turkey goodness to you by initiating <\/P> Donny B.\u2019s First Annual <\/FONT>SIM Turkey<\/FONT> Awards!!!<\/P><\/FONT> First off, let me be forthcoming: the opinions expressed here are solely my own, and cannot be attributed to SimulatedSports.com, Mike Wallace, or any mentally stable person. Secondly, all information relayed here is to be used for ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. Lastly, anyone who contests the absolute factual content of the lessons being propagated here should write their own holiday BTB article as a rebuttal. I came up with the idea first, so live with it!<\/P> The first of the frozen, de-feathered fowls goes to ARTIE SCHILLER<\/FONT> in the “Most Disappointing First-Year Sire” category. We had big hopes for this guy, what with his impeccable race record, the depth of SIM turf racing and a pedigree full of successful SIM sires: El Prado(IRE),<\/B> seed of Sadler\u2019s Wells<\/B> thus bearing the immortal Northern Dancer <\/B>Y-chromosome\u2026along with Majestic Light<\/B> (he\u2019s no slouch\u2026tail-male to Raise A Native<\/B>). And right on cue, credit high-rollers and BP scrounging grinders rushed to the breeding shed to pump out 63 little Artie\u2019s that have raced to date\u2026with DamSires such as Storm Cat<\/B>, Gone West<\/B>, Fusaichi Pegasus<\/B>, Dixieland Band<\/B>, Kingmambo<\/B>, etc. <\/P> And those are only some of the foals that are unplaced!<\/P> Yes, Artie had a party (quite a few of them) and apparently, no talent came. Yes, the GR Simsters \u2018house horse\u2019 Arcangelo<\/B> looks like a good one, but even the modest Aussie stallion BLACKFRIARS<\/B> (who?) has as many Graded Stakes Winners, and better percentages than A.S. Sixteen of those 63 blue-blooded foals have made it to the winners\u2019 circle so far, for a paltry 25.4% winning clip. His \u2018silver bullet\u2019 GSW, along with listed stakes horse Artie\u2019s Prospect, <\/B>affords him a measly 3.2% stakes winners to foals ratio. Fellow frosh sire PRAYING FOR CASH<\/B> (by that not so classic sire-of-sires SONGANDAPRAYER<\/B>), for about one kajillionth of the ticker price, is yielding better results. <\/P> Only one of these pampered beasts have ventured into claiming company so far, and he was nosed out for 2nd<\/SUP> by a horse sporting a pedigree that looks more like someone crossed the “Bargain Sires” with “The Skidz” list.<\/P> RANSOM O\u2019 WAR x DIXIELAND GLO x FLAGMAN AHEAD<\/P><\/FONT> So much for “Breed the best to the best, and hope for the best.” Better hope for a miracle maturation instead!<\/P> \u00a0<\/P> Gobbler-on-a-stick #2 goes to second year “sire” (if you can call him that) LEROIDESANIMAUX. <\/B>Now it may not have been a stretch to think that a son of CANDY STRIPES<\/B> and an AHOONORA<\/B> mare might not be any great shakes as a SIM stallion, but last year 61 little Leroi\u2019s were born, 40 of \u2018em got their pictures taken, and NONE of them took home any hardware to date. That\u2019s a big goose egg in the stakes column. Willing to wait a while, are you? He\u2019s added a whopping five 2 year old winners this year, and the 3 yr olds look like they\u2019ve peaked already (which is to say, more of a flatline). Not exactly the \u2018stuff\u2019 of champions coming out of this one-time turf terror. The dud-ish stud\u2019s name translates to “King of the Animals”, but it appears he is no Lion when it comes to the boudoir.<\/P> Fake humans are worthy of recognition too, and my hands-down choice for Turkey Number Trey is that world-famous jockey from the Dubai circuit named K. Ledwith.<\/FONT> Now I know there may be a real “K. Ledwith”, and the trainer known as Ledwith seems like an otherwise swell guy, but this simulated version with the 30.4% wins per mounts (that\u2019s REAL good, peoples) seems to be a bit shady.<\/P> Must have been so dark in the shade on Breeders Bowl day, \u2018cause this do-no-wrong jock took a nap on the usually unflappable Ermington Pegusus (no, that\u2019s not a typo\u2026.yes, he\u2019s Superman) and finished a well beaten 7th. Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. The horse hits the board in every start near the distance since the Florida Derby 18 starts back, and we\u2019re to believe he\u2019s on the up-and-up while 13 lengths back at the top of the stretch. What is this, DIY Silky Sullivan Day? I\u2019ve got my own bone to pick with “the lazy genius” over his ride on my colt Liverspeights<\/B><\/A>. As you can see, he was so exhausted from his 28 length defeat at 9\/2 odds that he was able to run back in 4 weeks no worse for wear. What, is there a snack bar at the 3\/8 pole that I don\u2019t know about? Is this the Randy Moss (Oakland Raiders \u2013 “I take plays off” version) of the jockey pool? The next time I use this guy, it\u2019s going to be as an anchor while boating on Lake Michigan. Guaranteed to hold you in place.<\/P> What would an awards presentation in a horseracing game be without some awards for horses? That\u2019s a rhetorical question\u2026I can see your lips moving anyway\u2026nevermind.<\/P> Empiricidal<\/B><\/A> has a blue-blooded pedigree, but the only thing he blew away on the track was thousand\u2019s of dollars of uncashed mutuel tickets. He\u2019s by EMPIRE MAKER x DANZIG x SEEKING THE GOLD<\/B>, which is probably why he went off at 3\/5 in a Maiden race even after getting drilled like enamel in his debut. The toof hurth sometimes. He was an unlucky loser by a head\u2026to a horse who went on to lose an allowance race \u2013 Alw*15. Honestly, I did not know a horse could be valued so low. I have CPU pants that are worth more than *15, and I\u2019ll probably need them since I\u2019ve soiled a goodly pair watching this turkey “perform”. The only Empire this guy is lethal to is the one inside my head.<\/P> Off The Turf<\/B><\/A> gets a Turkey because he actually accomplished something, in that he has a record that will surely never be broken. Tied maybe. What can you say about his race, other than he “didn\u2019t show up that day”? I think it\u2019s safe to say this one will move up on a dirt track. Holy frijoles, I certainly hope so\u2026ya can\u2019t go any slower than stop, my old man used to say. <\/P> Not really, but he should have. Also, there is “reverse”\u2026.nevermind.<\/P> Last and definitely least, we have to award the Tofurcken (that\u2019s a tofu Turducken, not a Swedish breathing exercise) to a living, breathing trainer. No greater honor has been bestowed\u2026in the SIM\u2026bearing the name of a tasty animal. With stuffing (some people call it Dressing, and they would be heretics.) Rumor has it that a Chat Room exchange about the prospects of the fabulous Solar Song<\/B><\/A> winning an unprecedented three straight Breeder\u2019s Bowl Classics. The trainer-in-question hastily remarked that what with the aging factor, wear and tear, super-duper retired mare breeding, and intense competition, there was NO WAY a 6yo homebred was going to win three Big Ones in a row. So confident was he, it was declared that despite Squirrel<\/I>\u2019s skill and Solar\u2019s strength, something would have to go wrong with the SIM for the three-peat to take place. And that trainer would voluntarily retire from the SIM. <\/P> He should have looked at the PP\u2019s and realized that Solar Song (with a little help from larcenous K. Ledwith?) took down his 2nd BBC in his 39th start\u2026has over $13 mil in the bank\u2026and has a lifetime best speed figure that looks like a jockey\u2019s weight in pounds (as opposed to the jockey\u2019s IQ numbers his horses usually run). Squirrel<\/B><\/I> has promised a cautious campaign, designed to give him one finely-tuned chance at infamy\u2026<\/P> Gulp.<\/P> And the award goes to\u2026<\/P> Article Written by Beisbol<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"colormag_page_container_layout":"default_layout","colormag_page_sidebar_layout":"default_layout","footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5138","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-general"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/btb.ehorseracing.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5138","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/btb.ehorseracing.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/btb.ehorseracing.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/btb.ehorseracing.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/btb.ehorseracing.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5138"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/btb.ehorseracing.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5138\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/btb.ehorseracing.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5138"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/btb.ehorseracing.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5138"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/btb.ehorseracing.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5138"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}![\"Donnie](\"http:\/\/www.geocities.com\/snowchief@prodigy.net\/graphics\/turkey_2.jpg\")
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