What\u2019s in a name? EVERYTHING!<\/p>\n
Disclaimer: The following article contains potentially harmful substances, including but not limited to items such as sarcasm, irony, subterfuge, pseudo-intellectualism, crudeness, false arrogance, pretentiousness, and questionable ideas presented as fact. Any successful attempts at humor are purely coincidental. Parental Guidance Suggested. Check your sensibilities at the door.<\/p>\n
So it\u2019s Bluegrass Derby time again. Break out the beads, the binocular-shaped-flasks filled with 20\/20, and the infield patrons\u2019 Call to Post (WOOOOOOOOOO!). No, that IS their call to post, as in \u201cAh just saw Lenny an\u2019 Given and they chugged an Amstel Laht with me WOOOOOOOO!\u201d. Can you feel the excitement? We\u2019ll, maybe what you\u2019re feeling is what we in the medical arts call \u201cdried emesis\u201d, but no matter, get yer drink on and head to Kentucky \u2018cause we\u2019ve got quite the spectacle for you. And rumor has it, there\u2019s even some horse racing involved somewhere in this convergence of humanity\u2019s finest. WOOOOOOOOO!<\/p>\n
Well shucks, the actual race itself has been analyzed to death, what with your speed figures and your track biases, pace handicapping, the Kingab Sheets and the Knightmare Biometric Analysis (I hear Knightmare can analyze individual strands of DNA and tell you if your horse can win an Allowance N2X or not)\u2026there\u2019s nothing more I could say to help the serious handicapper pick a winner in the big race.<\/p>\n
But let\u2019s not kid ourselves.<\/p>\n
On Derby Day, the racetrack is teeming with what I like to call \u201cNeophyte One-Timers\u201d. Serious horseplayers may refer to them as \u201cBoozed-up Suckers with Dumb Money\u201d. You know the type. They come to the racetrack once or twice a year (maybe on Breeder\u2019s Bowl day, or whenever General Manager Mia Wallace has one of those tacky \u201cLittle Brother Giveaway\u201d promotions). They drink copious amounts of \u201cbeverages\u201d better used as hair-growth tonics or industrial solvents. Have you ever tried a Mint Julep? It tastes something like what you\u2019d imagine Gin would be like if it were made from Magoo2912\u2019s sweat socks after being imbibed, filtered, and excreted by one of those omnivorous backside goats. And NOT in a good way. Once fully toasty, they move in amorphous blobs of people-flesh with smaller mini-dupes following their every move or dragging them in random directions (Children? At the racetrack? Who will teach them all to smoke $3 cigars, curse like a Vice-President, and clear their throats like a Tuvan folk singer?). They get in line 5 minutes before post time, and try to place bets on horses either using some cutesy birthday sequence, the best-dressed jockey, or \u201cthe pretty grey one\u201d. Seriously, they should just print in the program in Arial Black font \u201cTHIS IS THE PRETTY GREY HORSE. BET ON THIS HORSE, BUY A $7 HOT DOG AND SIT YOUR SATURN-OUTLOOK DRIVING, SIPPY-CUP TOTING, NO-CLUED DUMB- DOWN!\u201d<\/p>\n
(note to self: I hope to heaven that Mike doesn\u2019t have a Saturn Outlook)<\/p>\n
So what does this have to do with the fact that Tbgifted was banned from the racing office for trying to use Kaif as steelhead bait? Nothing\u2026 but the real handicappers are licking their chops at the advent of all that dumb money in the mutuel pools. And when it comes to overstuffed, 20-horse fields like the Bluegrass Derby, exactly what are the most important criteria for our Suburban Sportsman\u2019s $2 Win wager? Why, it\u2019s the name of the horse, of course. You know the type. All us \u201cserious\u201d people can study silly things like \u201cnumbers\u201d and \u201csadistics\u201d, but a REAL horse gambler person KNOWS that what is really important is having a cool sounding name. And some Lady Luck. Maybe a good number on the little blanket thingy the jockey sits on when they go around the track. But trust me, it\u2019s mostly the name.<\/p>\n
So of course I felt it my civic duty, as the SIM\u2019s resident expert on stupid human behavior (observed or experienced), to give you the reader what you want (what you really really want) \u2013 a detailed analysis of BLUEGRASS DERBY HORSE NAMES.
We can\u2019t all be Pazjazz or Trotter, now, can we? (LordPye\u2019s identity-crisis escapades notwithstanding.)<\/p>\n
#1 is INSKY WINSKY SPIDA. If you\u2019re a serious punter planning on making a score on this horse, forget it. Every diaper-toting Oprah-lover in the crowd is gonna have little Timmy\u2019s orthodontia fund money on this horse because they all singularly (but exclusively) identify with Mr. Insky. \u201cAh LUV that name! I sayng that sahwng to my kids all the tahm!\u201d. You\u2019ll 5\/2 if you\u2019re lucky, and that\u2019s without actually looking at the horse\u2019s record. He also loses points for creative spelling. \u201cItsy Bitsy\u201d is annoying enough, when you think about it, so just making stuff up adds insult to industry. Yeah, yeah, \u201cStravinsky\u201d, I get it, but Joe AmericanIdolWatcher won\u2019t. I hate this horse.<\/p>\n
#2 is the lovely and succinct MR.EKO. It\u2019s kinda cool that there\u2019s no space between the \u201cMister\u201d and the \u201cEcho\u201d. But did somebody tell the breeder that you don\u2019t get a breeding discount for being stingy with the letters? (Knightmare, back me up here?) You just know you\u2019re gonna hear somebody say \u201c I like that #2 horse, MREKO\u201d. Mreko sounds the first name of a Serbian politician, or one of the preliminary games to the Showcase Showdown on the Eastern European version of The Price Is Right. Plus you have to deal with 7 year olds (and scatological 35 year old BTB writers) incessantly giggling about \u201cbetting on number two\u201d. I hate this horse.<\/p>\n
#3 goes by the name of GAHDAMJO. OK, I admit, I don\u2019t hate this name. But nobody is going to figure it out, and that will drive me crazy\u2026I mean..there was a whole thread on the Racing Forum about it (not that any of you trolls ever post anything there\u2026yeah, I\u2019m talking to you). Little Susie Pigtails is going to ask Mom for the leftover March of Dimes money (also known as Emergency Quarters) to place a bet on GAHDAMJO, who she thinks is a character from Harry Potter: Curse of the Sweaty Pereneum, or possibly the title of an unreleased episode of Yu-Gi-Oh. I hate Yu-Gi-Oh.<\/p>\n
#4 ATAUN keeps it short and sweet. But it lends itself to the easy pun, like \u201cI like this horse ATAUN\u201d or \u201cI am gonna win ATAUN of money\u201d and more likely \u201cHandicapping this horse is just like my wife, they both weigh ATAUN\u201d. And everybody knows that wife jokes are all the rage. Yes, honey? No, I haven\u2019t seen your Suzanne Sommers\u2019 Stomach Stapler today\u2026(I hate this horse).<\/p>\n
#5 is AWESOME FORCE. Good luck! Every 13 year old in the world would hammer this guy at the windows only slightly less than a horse named TOTALLY RADICAL DUDE. And let\u2019s not forget the latent Star Wars geek in all of society. You\u2019d be surprised how many kids named Obi-Wan and Luke are out there. Just ask the track historian, Chewbacca Balata. Personally, when I think of AWESOME FORCE, I am reminded of the powerful natural phenomena that are unleashed after a visit to that natural wonder of the world, Taco Bell. I hate this horse, but not as much as the guy who skimps on the Fire sauce at Taco Bell.<\/p>\n
#6 TAXI DRIVER is a hard name to knock. I mean, who\u2019d have the courage? Are you talkin\u2019 ta me? Right? But in today\u2019s world, TAXI DRIVER has an entirely different connotation. It\u2019s not cool anymore. Every wood-paneled Brady Bunch-mobile and Swedish import Latte-driven automobile has a \u201cMom\u2019s Taxi\u201d bumper sticker or window sign conspicuously placed so that the driver is unable to notice you being cut off in the mirror\u2019s blind spot (as well as obscuring the resultant upraised finger). And they ALL think it\u2019s HILARIOUS. Oh no you don\u2019t. I hate this horse.<\/p>\n
#7 MORPH THE CAT is my choice for the underlay of the day. The horse may be the second coming of I SEEK U, or one of the Washington General-esque opponents sent out to take on DICE DANCER, but it wouldn\u2019t matter one bit, \u2018casue every kid breeder has a cat or two and they all have a name that can be morphed into something sounding vaguely like MORPH. \u201cAwuhr cat\u2019s name is MIFFY!\u201d \u201cMUFFY!\u201d \u201cMORT!\u201d \u201cMAVRICK\u201d! You can\u2019t escape them. This horse will generate a negative show pool, and that\u2019s a pile too deep for even IRISHARSE to navigate. I hate this horse, too.<\/p>\n
#8 ACHAEMENES. Yeah OK. I looked this one up and it is a rare form of a contagious disease spread by the spores of a fungus that grows only in the Eustachian tubes of prairie dogs. Which is\u2026pretty weird. Most people are going to mispronounce or misinterpret this thing to fit their preconceived notions, like a delicious pastry they ate at Zorba\u2019s Athenarium or maybe something they saw while watching the History channel and eating \u201coysters\u201d. I hate this horse\u2026and now I’ve lost my appetite, too.<\/p>\n
#9 CREEPY MESA. I kind of like this name! That doesn\u2019t help if I want to bet it though, since it is an obvious pander to the Goosebumps! Crowd who loves a good scare and a laugh. You want funny \/ scary? Fabman, TheBigShow, and Beisbol walk into a bar. SHIVERS! Not so creepy now are ya, Creepy Mesa? I\u2019d like this horse better maybe if he were named \u201cINTIMIDATING TABLE\u201d. <\/p>\n
#10 PASSING STONE. Now this guy bucks the trend in that no self-respecting tourist in LL Bean and Reebok\u2019s is gonna be attracted to the painful event referenced by this guy. But don\u2019t forget about the other 94% of the racetrack population who\u2019s entire existence often revolves around the decent towards (or avoidance of) absurd bodily dysfunctions like this one. Could be a blue-hair special, but personally I think this horse should be coupled in name-betting with (or immediately followed by) GAHDAMJO. Yes, I hate this horse.<\/p>\n
#11 WEEHAWKEN. Hmmm. Seems pretty innocent, eh? Oh no you don\u2019t. Didn\u2019t you read the whole article? Didn\u2019t you comprehend what was written in the paragraph about the phlegm-busting folk singers? No chance this guy goes off at a price. Seriously, WEEHAWKEN is just a description of what we doin\u2019 right before we spittin\u2019. And we do this constantly while wearing white loafers and plaid pants. Harsh, maybe, but all too true. And I still hate this horse.<\/p>\n
#12 LEGENDARY PEGASUS sounds harmless enough, but now you\u2019ve drawn the sci-fi fantasy \/ little girls with Freudian issues conglomeration. No, wait, I\u2019m confusing Pegasus with Unicorns. Still, it reminds me of My Little Pony, and I HATED that stuff (PG version) as a kid. HATED it. They\u2019d always interrupt my favorite cartoon or re-run of The Munsters with these ridiculously colored plastic preening horses that DIDN\u2019T EVEN RUN or post bullet workouts or get caught 5 wide on a speed-favoring track. What good is that? I REALLY hate this horse!<\/p>\n
#13 KING OF ALL MEDIA is an obvious Howard Stern reference, which is cool, OK, but every frat boy and Valvoline Quick-Stop attendant who ever lived is going to think this is a sign from God or Baba Booie himself to sell his Western Civilization book or pawn his Wii to bet on luck #13. Granted, that\u2019s not a lot of money (you only get about $17.50 for a \u201cUsed\u201d book you paid $110 for 3 weeks ago), but there\u2019s enough of these guys around to make a dent in the mutuel payouts. Not to mention superstitions\u2026obviously, any horse that a college kid bets on is going to make a great effort just to lose at the last moment, causing you to spiral into a life of credit card debt, binge drinking, ESPNitis and incessant quoting of the TV show \u201cFamily Guy\u201d. And nobody wants to see that. I hate this horse.<\/p>\n
#14 HENIANLAUNCH. I personally thought this was a hilarious name having something to do with a medieval catapult constructed for the vaulting of rear-ends (or maybe imported beers) into rival camps\u2026like I said, hilarious. But then I actually cracked open the Black Type Bugler (sorry Roys, I\u2019ll glue it back together) and realized that the name is an amalgam of the sires names Hennesey, Ogygian, and Relaunch. BORING! Nevertheless if an expert such as I were fooled, just think what the $5 a green-bottle brew-flavored water swilling urban professional is going to think \u2013 \u201cI\u2019ve got $20 that says Go Heine!\u201d. Forget that stuff…Pabst Blue Ribbon! I like the alternate HENIANLAUNCH, this one stinks.<\/p>\n
#15 DEGOLDENSTORM. Here\u2019s another where I was fooled into thinking it was cooler or more nefarious than intended. Turns out it\u2019s another name combo for Dehere and Seeking the Gold\u2026I thought maybe it was a euphemism for some kinky endeavor possibly performed after drinking lots of Heine\u2019s. Now THAT\u2019S a horse I would bet on. This guy doesn\u2019t get dollar one from me (greenback, Susan B., golden Sacajewea, or otherwise). I hate the horse but more importantly I want no part of DEGOLDENSTORM.<\/p>\n
#16 GLOBAL AFFAIR is a name that you can\u2019t really draw a bead on. It\u2019s not catchy. It\u2019s not controversial. It\u2019s not too easy to superimpose meaningless pop-culture references on, and it doesn\u2019t appeal to children, housewives, deadbeat dads or retirees. There\u2019s absolutely no reason I can think of that anyone would ever bet on this horse because of his name. It\u2019s actually\u2026bland. Which makes it the absolute, undeniable, stone-cold, mortal lock of the day. Remember where you heard it folks, \u2018cause I called it here and I don\u2019t even know if the horse has 3 good legs or if the trainer has a clue. I love this horse! (But I hate the name\u2026)<\/p>\n
#17 LUCKY\u2019S CAPITAL is a name that you could go any number of directions with\u2026it kind of is the Tabula Rosa of horse names. You got LUCK in there, which every $2 straight trifecta betting moron in the house thinks is his ticket to the good life\u2026CAPITAL which could mean the county seat or the wad of cash that everyone thinks they\u2019re entitled to. And since everyone always thinks they\u2019re going to win, this horse is guaranteed to lose. But he\u2019ll still be 3\/5 come Middle Jewel Stakes time. I hate this horse.<\/p>\n
#18 SCHOOLFOHARDKNOCKS is just too darn catchy. Who doesn\u2019t think they\u2019ve had a rough go of it up to this point? Especially that guy who brought $120 and 17 pages of notes from his co-workers on which $2 Quinella boxes and superfecta partwheels keying that loveable 99-1 shot for 2nd and 4th only\u2026of course he lost it quicker than a chat room conversation with bammie or 99 when the track janitor (inside information!) gave him a tip on a horse he heard about on the backside (from the track barber\u2019s niece\u2019s lawnmower repairman). Now he books the bets and hopes and prays that Margie Van Silverwookenbottom doesn\u2019t get lucky on her 1-2-3-4 bet in every single race. THOSE are some hard knocks, my friend. I hate when that happens\u2026 and this horse.<\/p>\n
#19 PSYCHOTIC GOLD deserves another WOOOOOOOOOO! because this in fact is the party people\u2019s horse. I\u2019ve never been to the infield, but I\u2019d imagine that any reference to an altered state (whether self-medicated or otherwise) is a definite attraction to the patrons there who may or may nor actually SEE a horse on raceday. And like, think about it man\u2026what if the GOLD were PSYCHOTIC? That\u2019s totally crazy! Whoa! I hate this horse!<\/p>\n
#20 last but not least is GRAMID. Now I don\u2019t claim to have the first inkling as to what GRAMID is supposed to mean but it reminds me of a cutesy name for your parents\u2019 mother. Nana, Maw-maw, Granny, Gooma and now Gramid. This horse is going to be starting 20th so by the time he sets foot on the track in a post-parade that is longer than the line for the porta-potties, all those $2 bettors will have selected some other horse with a stupid name leaving GRAMID ripe for the picking. Just as some languages read right-to-left, I suppose there are some weirdoes who read the form bottom-to-top and might take a flyer on this guy. But GRAMID is stupid name and I hate it first or last!<\/p>\n
I hope you enjoyed my primer (and were not offended!) and have a clearer vision of how the Bluegrass Derby will play out this Saturday. You can read all those other articles, too, about the Derby Locks and the stalkers setting it up for the deep closers blah blah blah where\u2019s my beer?<\/p>\n
The totally out-of-context picks:<\/p>\n
GLOBAL AFFAIR
CREEPY MESA
GAHDAMJO<\/p>\n
I take full responsibility for everything written in this article, but none for its factual content. Happy Derby Day! <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The Inside Scoop on what REALLY matters in the BLUEGRASS DERBY<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":130,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"colormag_page_container_layout":"default_layout","colormag_page_sidebar_layout":"default_layout","footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4101","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-previews"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/btb.ehorseracing.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4101","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/btb.ehorseracing.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/btb.ehorseracing.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/btb.ehorseracing.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/130"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/btb.ehorseracing.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4101"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/btb.ehorseracing.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4101\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/btb.ehorseracing.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4101"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/btb.ehorseracing.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4101"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/btb.ehorseracing.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4101"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}